A
male
age
41-50,
*edandredder
writes:Dear all, I hope that by canvasing the globe for opinions I might find consensus and a clear path ahead.3 months after I got married last year my wife tells me that she's cheated on me since we got married. Her reasons were the things were a bit mundane, not that I'd done anything wrong. I'm devastated and after a week of her carrying on as if nothing happened I decide to move out. We've been separated for a few months now, and things have been fairly civil, but we now need to decide if we're going to try again or get divorced. I would like to try again, but I feel there should be some sort of apology and effort on my wifes part to build bridges, whereas she doesn't think an apology is warranted and wants to be all buddies straight away. I don't want to make her beg or anything, I just feel a single, sincere apology would be the best way fo her to start regaining my trust. Am I going about this all wrong and is there another way for her to regain my trust? She says she loves me, but I don't see the evidence of it. I asked her if she wanted to build a future with me as her husband, but she says she won't know until we can be all buddies again. Would it be better to move on?I'd really appreaciate any advice/opinions that can get me/us out of our current limbo state. Thanks Red
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cheated on me, divorce, move on Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): Well Red, I'll tell you what. I've been around a lot of women but you didn't really give enough information for me to understand her motives.
1. She feels so bad she can't bring herself to admit it. There would have to be more than mundane reasons for this to happen. Low self esteem etc.
2. She's just a cheater and she'll never say she's sorry.
I'd guess it's 2 since it's just SO early in your marriage.
I'd honestly go back to her and let her sleep with whoever she wanted, but that's me. Jealousy is just insecurity. If you're totally supportive and love her no matter what eventually things will sort out. Either it will become your lifestyle and you'll enjoy the stories of her adventures too, or she'll get it worked out and quit. It will probably take years either way. Just lay back and enjoy the ride though.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009): Buddy,
Time to move on, she has no remorse.
That leaves the door opne for future affairs.
Its over and you are in good shape.
Already separated.
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A
female
reader, loving arms +, writes (27 March 2009):
I think a 'sorry' really isn't the issue here. What is needed though is some real honesty from her as to what she feels is missing from your relationship. You cannot carry on as before because this led her to stray from her commitment to you.
If she is not willing to really talk openly and honestly, I feel you have no choice other than to end your marriage.
Good luck. I like that you see you have something worth saving. I only hope she has the sense to see how lucky she's been in getting the chance to try again.
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A
male
reader, Redandredder +, writes (27 March 2009):
Redandredder is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to those who've replied so far, they've been really helpful, especially as they're from female readers so avoiding the Mars/Venus thing. If you're thinking of replying, please do, even if you disagree with me - I want as many opinions as possible.Some more info and responses to replies so far.I must admit that our physical relationship had deteriorated, and my attempts to spice things up were met with little or no enthusiasm, but still no excuse for cheating. I may have relinquished the upper hand by moving out, but I needed some time and space to get my head together, especially as my wife seemed to be carrying on as if nothing had happened. And why is she worth all this effort currently? Well, to use a Star Wars analogy "I can feel the good in her, I don't think she's turned fully to the dark side, and I have to try to turn her back". There are clearly issues that she has that she could/did/wouldn't discuss with me, and what sort of a husband would I be if if didn't at least try to be there for her when she may neeed me. I don't want to throw several years away if it was a silly regretable mistake. She's not a complete bitch or I wouldn't have married her in the first place. However, I'm not a doormat and if she doesn't change her attitude soon, then, as people here seem to agree, I'm going to have to kick her into touch (not literally of course, though God knows I'm tempted!) Keep those replies coming, please. Red
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): yes, i am afraid your marriaage is doomed..by whom....your cheating wife that's who.
she will not change her ways because she does not see that she has done anything wrong. she will destroy your life and your faith in marriage is you stay with her. her total lack of remorse is just devastating.
i know you want to try but you deserve so much better.and yes you will find your true love with someone else. please run as fast as you can away from this person. your future happiness is at stake so please invest in someone else who is worthy of you. sadly that person is not your cheating wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): It looks like you want this to work more than your wife. Think well and weigh your options against each other. If you had choses to forgive her without separating in the first place, you may have had an upper hand in the relationship. Now, it looks like you are trying harder and your wife will take you for granted. Coz it already looks like she is not bothered about it. Think well and decide. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (24 March 2009):
 She's gotta go, bucko.
She hasn't apologized. She couldn't make it 3 months into being married without cheating. It seems to me that you're giving her WAYYYY too much power in this situation - you say you don't want to make her beg, but brother, she's not even asking for forgiveness. Explain to me how this woman is worth all this effort you're giving her. Why waste your time??? If you take her back, she'll only see it as weakness on your part and she'll just continue to abuse your commitment vows.
You seem like a quality guy - you need to find a woman up to your par. This lady definitely isn't. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): oh my, she hasn't even apologized!?!
if she really cared about you and loved you she would be doing all she can to regain your trust!!!
well i would, at least!
tell her how you feel and that if she wants to have another go at it, then she needs to change her attitude.
if she doesn't change, i would just leave.
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