A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a ldr with a man 30 from a different country and have been for 8 months. The beginning was amazing as always. He was full of compliments and we never argued. We finally met months down the line and had a great time although we had a few squabbles. Recently though I got tired of hearing about how his ex had cheated on him and how much it messed him up and when I was drunk I was quite blunt about it saying if you're still not over it maybe you shouldn't be in another relationship as it was two years ago. Since he's been more distant and says he doesn't want to open up to me as much. He did Overshare. He said he's lost feelings for me but still wants to try and make it work. But I feel less of a priority. He's busy with work and doing other things as he just moved house and it's making me paranoid. I asked him if he's trying to be distant he said no he's tired and busy. Then tonight he didn't answer for a while and I asked if he had fallen asleep just because he worked hard and he said he wanted to okay video games. It's been hours without a word. Part of me wonders if he's found someone else online then I think I'm being paranoid. But then I have moments where I wonder if we'll ever have what we had in the beginning. He was besotted by me. As was I with him. Now the I love yous and compliments from him are starting to wain. It sounds silly but less love hearts and less conversation. Less fun. I wonder if now he's playing games as he has said there's nothing wrong but I know in my stomach and by the reality that things are not the same. I want to know if he's keeping me just for the sake of not hurting my feelings and I've made this clear to him. I also wonder if maybe I'm too insecure to handle this relationship. The distance both physically and emotionally. I've brought it up and said I don't think I can't handle it and he says to think of what we have. But everyday I'm consumed by thinking there's something not right. I'm not sure what to do.
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female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (27 August 2021):
 At this stage in a relationship it should be classed as the honeymoon period. Get out now whike you can. Theres too many obstacles in your way.
Go with your gut reaction, you feel somethings not right so it probably isnt.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 August 2021):
 I think the reality is setting in.
What you have is NOT a realtionship per se. You two text, call, and video call. While tech is great for keeping in touch, it's not so great for keeping a real relationship going.
I think you did the right thing in letting him know that if his ex is still SO very much on his mind, he isn't over her and thus NOt really ready for a new relationship. No one wants to be "second best" or a "break up therapist". It might also be that he really doesn't have much to talk to you about. OTHER than "woe is me, my ex was a bitch". How much do you two actually SHARE in common?
What he wanted from you was sympathy and a pity party for one. Instead, he got told that you really don't WANT to hear about his ex (WHO DOES!!?!) and that he should focus on the here and now, not the past. He just got miffed. The rose-colored glasses slipped of you both. You saw that he was USING you as an "online therapist" and listening post and you objected (which I think was fair enough no one wants 3 people in a relationship, one of them being an EX!) And he realized that YOU had limits and boundaries and don't CARE about his ex.
What you have (no offense) is NOT love. It WAS infatuation. The excitement of meeting someone new who SEEMED like a good fit. Over time you have both found that perhaps the other person is just NOT as good of a fit as you first thought. THAT is reality.
If you two also have never met in person, it brings in the "element" of only getting glimpses of the other person. And the written word (in text/email) can easier be misunderstood. If you two live in different countries there might also be some cultural differences that are NOW popping up.
Saying "I love you" and giving compliments IS easy. They ARE just words. While HE (and you) might have meant them it might also have been said a little bit because you both hoped that this "fantasy" could be a reality one day. No one has a butterflies and rainbows 24/7/365 relationship. There will be times people ANNOY each other. Disagree with each other.
I think after 8 months YOU might want to think about WHAT you have and what you WANT.
Is it doable for either of you to get a job near the other? So you can (at some point) at least LIVE in the same town and country? Or is it just not all that realistic?
What is the point of having a "relationship" where he is pulling away emotionally and you are never physically near each other either? Glorified pen-pals? Normally at 8 months in, people have a notion of the other person is someone they can see themselves with or not. With an LDR, you can't really know because you only get "snippets" of who he is. You don't get to see him interact with others in person.
I had a friend who did online dating and had an LDR - when they met each other (I think after 6 months) he was such a DICK to waitresses and people around him, in stores at the airport - just a REAL piece of work. She thankfully had decided to stay in a hotel and on the 3rd day there (and yep still acting like a dick) she flew out at 4 am to see a friend in a different state. Called him and broke up AFTER she landed safely there and he was abusive on the phone call. She thought he was the nicest guy UNTIL they met in RL.
So yeah, meeting in person is important. But, not sure there is much of a point for you two to meet if it fizzled out this fast.
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