A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We're American expats in the Netherlands, been here since April 2012.Life has been good, although we've had clashes over friendships; my fiance tries/tried to stay within an expat bubble of Americans, Canadians, Australians and British people and struggles with locals, whereas I'm happy to meet with locals and do have friends who are local. Not major clashes where we're screaming at each other but low-key clashes.Not in a sexual/jealousy kind of way, but one wants to and the other doesn't; or rather it's a case of he doesn't quite know how to get on with locals, outside of the people in his office (which he only went to a handful of times pre-pandemic).My husband did, at least until COVID came, have a lengthy commute; a 60-mile drive for work, he was never office-bound.He can't work from home, his job involved him moving around for work and he had to travel to sites, inspecting and maintaining things, IT infrastructure.... impossible to do over Zoom.We moved here as his employer had set up in July 2011, before being fully established by March 2012.He's also feeling a bit upset that the local McDonald's may be closing for good (COVID may be the reason it's closing, not sure), it's an expat hangout.He can't work yet as his employer hasn't said when he can return to travelling and work, and there's still some restrictions on, a semi-lockdown of sorts.I think my fiance's depressed because he can't do as much of the things he likes and he hates wearing masks; he hopes it'll end soon for good.He likes going to restaurants and the spontaneity etc. and I agree with him, it is depressing currently.We probably can't go back home to visit his sisters (who I get on with REALLY well!) or my parents, not sure on that, despite us being US citizens from birth, as European residents are banned in the US currently.To cope, my fiance's been bulk-buying potato chips and candy bars and pizzas and eating loads of them, as a coping strategy; I'm worried about his health.One day I caught him eating six bags of M and M's!He actually admitted as such he only did this because he can't do the job he loves and he likes food.He used to enjoy fitness, now can't get any pleasure from it.I wonder if he has a depression of sorts, and he has told me he wants help but doesn't know where to get it from.His only real friend here, John, a Canadian expat, lives 50 miles away, and we don't see him and his fiancee that often (both Canadians residing here); John used to come here just for the McDonald's and to meet my fiance a lot. A big drive, but shows how good friends they were pre-pandemic.My fiance hasn't completely shown signs of depression like not looking after his hygiene etc. - he's very good on that front.Our sex life is affected; he wants sex but then physically can't bring himself to actually do it, ends up going for food and drink instead or Amazon Prime.I really love my fiance and want the best.We do have friends, but obviously family can't be there to support us.I don't know how to deal with this, it's the first major crisis we've had; we've not had the usual jealousy over friends etc. as conflict, or major financial conflicts (on the same page, largely) and he wants to get out of it but doesn't know how.I'd really like your advice.
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female
reader, Tinacandida  +, writes (27 August 2021):
 Your husband could be suffering from home sickness, maybe feeling out of sorts and in a wilderness kind of state, away from the normality he was used to. I personally habpve had tgat feeling if being home sick in the past it came about a month after i was far away from home. Also i befriended a lady from Bagdad who came to the Uk and struggled with life here. What i did to help her was looked on the computer and learned some of the traditions and culture and the kind of food that she liked and we became good friends from me engaging in that. If you have made friends with some of the locals maybe you could try a small gathering at your home and see if you can get your husband to engage a bit more so that he feels more inclusive.
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