A
female
age
,
*rying to be strong!
writes:apologies first as this is a bit of a long one! I have been married for 20 years this year and on the 2nd January my husband informed me he was not happy and had not been so for the last year and wanted to leave. The background to this is 6 months ago he had an affair with a married work colleague which he ended after 2 months once he had told me. I threw him out of the house but he returned after 48 hours asking to come back and to give our marriage another go. It is fair to say our marriage had become stale, boring and routine with little sex and my attitude was not the best as I would often come home from a stressful job (I am the main wage earner) not in the best of moods. I thought we had spent the last 6 months rekindling our relationship, he never gave me cause to think he wasn't happy, romantic breaks, little gifts and we made time for ourselves to talk and have fun. I tried not to over do the hurt wife act and give him a bad time over the affair as I felt partly responsible,I really felt we had moved forward for the better, he would tell me he loved me every night and send loving texts. The bottom dropped out of my world the day after my birthday when as part of a chance conversation he said he had spent the last 6 months trying to get back his feelings for me as they once were but it wasn't working and he felt bad as he knew I had put in a lot of effort into making our relationship change for the better. He left the same day to live with his batchelor brother 3 miles away but has been in contact at least 3-4 days a week since, mainly about jobs around the house money and seperating bank accounts (my instigation). My initial reaction was one of anger and bitterness but I have since changed my attitude to one of friendliness and have allowed him to call to the house and do odd jobs, see the cat, have his tea etc. My mother says I am making fool of myself and I should let him nowhere near as he is having his cake and eating it so to speak, he still takes our 15year old daughter to school every day so contact is maintained with her. I would desperately love him to come back but only for me, not the money, comfortable house etc. I am giving him the impression I am moving on although in my own head I feel I am not, to others and him I appear strong not needy and weak. I know for certain there is no one else involved. He is fast approaching 50 and I have noticed that since his affair he does seem more occupied with his looks weight etc than at anytime in our marriage and did ask him if he felt he was depressed but he said not. Any advice welcome.
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female
reader, trying to be strong! +, writes (21 January 2008):
trying to be strong! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am so sorry to hear this, I know exactly what you are going through, it must be harder especially after 7 years of feeling all was fine. It has been 3 weeks for me since he left although I see him a few times a week, I no longer feel I need to see him. We have talked about what happened only yesterday and he still cannot give me any answers and could not say he was happier or even relieved at having left, he said only time would tell he still felt up and down and maybe he was chasing rainbows! I can recomend making yourself as busy as poss, have a new hair do or catch up on those jobs you have promised you would do for ages, if you work, make sure you go (even if you don't feel like it) and tell your closest colleagues what has happened, it is better to be busy and it will help your day pass quicker, you workmates can give you plenty of sympathy and support if not the right advice. The knot in your throat will eventually disappear and you will begin to eat and sleep and find you don't think of him quite so often. I too have the impression my husband is going through some sort of middle age crisis much like yours but I think not to pin your hopes that he may return. If you are in contact ask to meet him in a neutral place, that way you are less likely to flip your lid or breakdown, try to write down all your questions although he may not be able to answer them at this point. I know I felt the worst thing was not being able to have the answers as to why it happened but at least I asked. It is very early days just now and you need to look after yourself, let me know how you get on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): here i am replying to you at 4am.today my husband of twenty years just announced out of the blue he did not love me anymore.like you he had a short affair about 7 years ago but came back and things seemed good,like you us time,weekends away.i allowed all my feelings to return if anything i loved him more.he has been depressed for last few weeks and has become distant from me,he says there is no one else, i just can not understand this.i am 46 and right now can not imagine my life without him. i cannot eat or sleep.help
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A
female
reader, trying to be strong! +, writes (16 January 2008):
trying to be strong! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your advice, I will pick my time and lay my cards on the table and see what happens, I have nothing to lose I suppose.
regards
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A
female
reader, trying to be strong! +, writes (16 January 2008):
trying to be strong! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPerhaps you are right, although I write weak and needy as I am rather read up on advice at the monemt which is constantly saying not to appear "weak and needy" to the partner who has left! thanks for pointing this out perhaps this is a factor.
regards
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 January 2008):
 Just tell him that you want him back and start all over again and leave the ball at his feet. If he wants , he will move back with you. If not just wait another time to ask him again.
You got to speak to a man directly what you want. They cannot see or understand hints.
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A
female
reader, ButterflyKisses  +, writes (16 January 2008):
This is obviously a complex situation and I don't mean to sound too simplistic when I respond.
Could your independency be creating feelings of incompetency or inadequacy in your husband? Perhaps your success as a career-oriented woman, or the impressions that you are giving (i.e. "I am giving him the impression I am moving on although in my own head I feel I am not, to others and him I appear strong not needy and weak".) make him feel like an accessory to your life and not a neccessity.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
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