A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband recently bought a gift for a female coworker. I found text messages of him asking other people what this female coworker likes. When I saw the gift, I asked him, oh who is this for and he ignored my question and started talking about other things. I later saw messages of the female coworker thanking him for this gift. The part that was weird for me was when he responded, I hope to get you something better next time. I guess it means I have to get to know you better. This female is also married as well. Is my husband being shady here? Keep in mind, I know about these coworkers and he has told me stories about them.
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female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (30 March 2018):
 "I hope to give you something better next time" is definitely over-friendly and is clearly not part of some kind of workplace gift pool- it's singling her out and on her personal phone.
I agree it's not a good idea to go in guns blazing as it just gives him an excuse to call you over-dramatic and gaslight you.. guilty people are VERY defensive.. they're touchy because of the adrenaline of feeling caught out. My last ex was like this, I know
The point is that this is not something he can wiggle out of without giving you an explanation- it's too fishy. Ask him again and if you're not convinced, move out for a while and tell him you'll speak to him when he wants to be honest.
If it's innocent where's the need to hide stuff?? if he refuses to even answer or changes the subject I'm sorry, I would start expecting the worst.
Good luck
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 March 2018):
 Why was he buying her a gift for? What was the occasion/reason?
If he was asking other co-workers it wasn't something he kept secret.
As for the statement, "I hope to get you something better next time"... That is odd, honestly.
And it's odd that he didn't want to tell you who it was for or why.
If he had nothing to hide, why hide it?
But is he shady for buying her a gift? It all depends on context, doesn't it? Maybe he got a promotion due to her help, maybe SHE got a promotion, had a baby, moved into a new place, had a "round" birthday, is getting married, etc. etc. All of which can be TOTALLY acceptable in giving a gift.
Where I DO think he is coming off as shady is how he is excluding you. Hiding it from you. The fact that you OBVIOUSLY felt snooping on his phone to find it out speaks volumes of how bad the communication in your marriage is.
So what else is going on in your marriage?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2018): Sorry to say that but he is either having an emotional affair or hoping to start one with this lady. Easy to happen in work invironments.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2018): Yes, your husband is being shady. Yes, he's not loving toward you and is lying. Yes, how dare he do this to his wife!
Do not put up with this absolute dis-respect of yourself.
Woman.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 March 2018):
 A few things definitely stand out. One, why is he asking others what she likes? Then the fact that he avoided your question and then his response that he hoped to get her something better next time. He's definitely more than friendly. How did you see this messages and does he know that you've seen them? You should most certainly ask him and he owes you a lot of answers.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (29 March 2018):
 I'd be bringing this subject up again, certainly. If it's all innocent, then there wouldn't be any reason for your husband to not give you details: What is the reason for the gift? A birthday gift, whatever the reason, why not talk about it? If he is uncomfortable talking about it, ask why!
Take care xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2018): The evidence is inconclusive, but why are they messaging each other on their personal-phones?
He changed the subject. Address the matter again. Ask him why he feels it necessary to by another woman a gift?
If it was a gift-pool started at work; everyone puts their money together to buy a gift. One-on-one gifts makes him look pretty guilty.
Nothing is conclusive at this point. It's highly suspicious. One thing I'd make perfectly clear. YOU FIND IT HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE! You don't care for the messaging between them either.
Inform him firmly but calmly that you don't like it; and feel extremely uncomfortable about it. Especially when he dismissed you the first time you asked him about it!
When you approach someone for answers based on a suspicion; try not to be accusatory. Ask a direct-question; and calmly wait for the answer. If you're angry or pick a fight; you give them a reason to retreat using your anger as an excuse.
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