A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a partner of 4+ years. We are 1,200 miles apart. I plan to join her in 6 months. She has vociferously prioritized loyalty and trustworthiness. I have been 100% loyal since we parted 5 months ago. Well, she went out with some girlfriends last Friday evening to a dance venue. She lied about that saying they went to a coffee house. Then, 4 days later she told me that after departed her girlfriends, she decided to stop at a hotel bar for a glass of wine because she didn't want to go home yet. She states a guy approached her and they began conversing. In time, he put his hand on her thigh and then proceeded to invite her to his room. She said no. She went to the bathroom and upon exit, he was waiting for her and he kissed her. After initially saying it was just a peck, she admitted it was a mutual kiss. She says she then left. She then texted that she "woke up" and avoided a potential dangerous liaison. To me, that is admitting she was actively thinking of hooking up. I appreciate she halted it (if she really did) and now she is saying I am over-reacting. It is my belief, that if she is such a champion of loyalty and trust, she has clearly betrayed it. We have totally agreed that if we wanted to see others we would be honest and share ahead of time. I am trying to determine if I should give her a pass. One other thing - six years ago she was in another LDR and performed oral sex on a friend. She calls it a mistake she direly regrets. Advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2018): BTW, if you knew about the other LDR-situation; and you decided to take her on as a girlfriend anyway. Don't blame her for your own insecurities!
It's easy to get a little self-righteous under the circumstances; but you had some idea of the risks from the very start. If that didn't stop you before now; then you'll have to bite the bullet and hope for the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2018): I'm not making an excuse here, but when you're in an LDR you're under a lot of pressure. She was out for a night of drinking, and she shouldn't have separated from the pack.
Truth is, she didn't have to tell you what happened at all. Although trust is somewhat compromised; there isn't sufficient-evidence to feel she has done anything. The suspicion is there; and she makes matters worse by changing the story.
I suggest you try to work through this one; because she did come clean, but you can only suspect she's holding-back the details.
If she was drunk, the details may be a little cloudy; and she isn't intentionally lying to you. She may have had a blackout. If she can't handle her liquor, she has no business off-alone while intoxicated. She's vulnerable to just what she ran into! You can't just blame it on the alcohol; you also have to blame bad-judgement.
Try and work through this one. Let it sit on her conscience a little; and if there's anything more to tell, then deal with it when you know more.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (29 March 2018):
I think you would be doing both of you a favor if you stay right where you are. You’re probably not getting the whole truth here. The thing is why did she feel she had to lie about going dancing with friends? And the wine in the hotel bar story does not pass the smell test.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 March 2018):
 Who goes to a hotel bar alone to have a drink (unless you are STAYING at that hotel) Come on. Hotel bars are notorious pick up places for NSA "connections" or some ego-rub in the guise of some flirtation.
I don't know the age of you/your GF - I'm guess older ( at least 40?) because I don't see many under 20's, to first of all, go to a hotel bar for a drink after a night out with the girlfriends. And honestly... I don't see any women OVER 40, NEEDING a drink AFTER a night out with the girlfriends. It (to me) doesn't add up.
The MOMENT this guy at the bar put his HAND on her and invited her up to his room, she should have gone HOME. She knew what was up. Come on. Again, I'm going by a mature women's actions not some naive young women.
As much as this story went from a LIE - coffeehouse, to 4 days later... a dance venue and then later onto her stopping at a hotel for a drink... then chatting with a guy... etc. etc.... It's a little hard to TRUST that she DIDN'T go to his room. And why tell you at all about the hotel drink and the dude? Because she wanted to be transparent? Well, if THAT was her goal - she could have told you about the dance venue from the get go and not LIE about it.
What she did 6 years ago is in the past and while it MIGHT show a pattern of her not REALLY being exclusive, you also KNEW this info a longtime ago and could have acted then, so bringing out old mud to throw her way is... well, is really uncalled for.
My "worry" would be that she CHOOSES LDRs so that she can have a BF AND a "single-life" as well. So how would that work if you are all of a sudden living in the same place or living together?
The issue with LDRs is that TRUST can be hard to maintain. All it takes is ONE lie and well, it leaves the other person scratching their heads and wondering how many other lies (white lies or not) have been uttered.
Should you give her a pass? That is entirely up to you.
But I DO think that giving up a place and job (where you live now) for this woman might prove to be... "complicated". If you DO plan to move near her, HAVE a place of your own and don't do it without having a job.
Maybe I'm just jaded here.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 March 2018):
 Diagnosis:
She has toxic friends, and should avoid alcohol.
Advice:
Don't move until the friends and the alcohol are out of her life.
Warning:
You probably haven't got the whole truth yet.
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