A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my guy for some years now but I sometimes get the feeling he has started loosing interest in me. Whenever I ask him he always deny it. He's the first guy I've slept with and I really love him so much.He came to spend some time with me at my place. We had a lovely time but there was this girl who was constantly calling him and asking him when he would return back. I confronted him and we had an argument. He assured me there was nothing going on between him and that girl.He even made me to pick the girl's call once just to prove to me there was nothing going on.I believed him and I apologized because I don't want to loose him.He further told me if he had something to do with the girl he would have even blocked the girl from calling him when he came around.I visited him last month and curiously I took his phone. I noticed he has deleted all his chat with the girl and even blocked the girl and some couple of female numbers. I felt he did that because I was around but what bothered me is that if he claimed there's nothing going on between him and that girl then why did he block and delete their chat?When I confronted him about why he deleted his chat with the girl he told me his memory was full. It sounded weird but I didn't want to argue with him so I ignored it. On Val's day I was expecting him to celebrate me on his WhatsApp status and make me feel special but he didn't. Previous years he used to do it so what changed now??When I confronted him,he just told me he has no reason for what he did.i felt really hurt but I decided to ignore it but deep down I've been thinking about this. Is he seeing someone else??Or is he indirectly telling me he wants to break up?? Please help me. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2021): "He's the first guy I've slept with and I really love him so much."
In the eight years that I've been with DC, nothing is tougher than getting past the above disclaimer. Once it is declared "...but I love him!"...it is quite uncertain whether any advice will be taken seriously. That disclaimer pretty much indicates any suggestion to let him go is not to be considered. "Just tell me how to keep him in spite of how badly he treats me!" Most OP's will just keep waiting until some responds telling them to hang in there and just talk to him and he'll come-around. That premises on the improbable notion of thinking you can, or have any right, to "change him."
Holding on to the emotional concept of his being the "first" of everything usually depicts the imaginary state of "being in love with being in love." Derived more from fantasy than reality. He's placed up on a pedestal he doesn't deserve. If you can't actually catch him in the act of talking to these females and hearing her voice on the other end, still gives him benefit of the doubt? Look at the evidence and think!
Here's where I usually ask the OP to go back and read their post to themselves ALOUD! This suggestion is an exercise in dealing with painful reality, and intended as a means of penetrating one's confused thoughts and feelings. When we're emotionally-distraught over romance, our feelings tend to place us deep in denial; so we don't have to face blame, or the truth. We don't have to be accountable for our reckless mistakes and self-inflicted suffering. We're avoiding viewing the object of our affection for who they really are!
It's one thing when you are going through hell and back to save a marriage. A commitment bonded through the exchange of vows. A commitment made of the magnitude of marriage warrants a very intensive, exhaustive, and determined attempt to find answers and solutions to solve all and any of the serious problems that plague the marriage. Especially, to preserve a family!
All to the contrary, allowing a girlfriend or a boyfriend to drag you through unholy hell, consistently discovering the most incriminating evidence they're cheating, and enduring their abuse does not justify remaining and putting-up with it...because you think you love them.
How much do they (or can they) love you back, to do those rotten kinds of things to you??? Again, and again, and again!!! Saying they're sorry does not substantiate giving them an endless supply of forgiveness!
All you get in reciprocation for this unshakeable-love is finding numbers and messages from other females. To add insult to injury, and stooping even lower than low by insulting your intelligence; he lies straight to your face.
Seriously, girlfriend?!! Really?!!
When there is no trust, there is no love. You can exchange the four-letter word over and over, and as much as you like to say and hear it; but it don't mean squat when you are pouring your love over somebody you can't even trust. Liars lack a conscience. Telling the truth is a casual option. Lying is their way of telling you how much they disrespect you, how gullible, and deficit they think you are in intelligence. They will continue lying and doing what they're doing; because they feel they've got the upperhand by controlling you by your loyalty and feelings for them. All because..."I really love him so much." Why exactly? Why are you here? Does your gut strongly tell you he's seeing someone else? Does the evidence confirm it?
I hope you're getting a reasonable return for your investment. I hope your precious heart can endure what you're allowing him to put it through. You already know what you've got to do, but you came here hoping for a miracle answer that will make everything right. Are you also ready to swallow bitter medicine? Consider each and every response; and then make your own decision, sweetheart.
If you were asking if you should do everything you can to save a "solid" relationship full of trust, love, and mutual-understanding? My answer would be "yes!" You should do everything you can to sustain a "good" relationship; provided there is equal effort and reciprocity on both sides to make it work. When both people treat each other well; and allow trust to be valued, earned, and maintained. When your trust is tossed-about or kicked aside by your partner; he or she should be booted to the curb right along with it! Trying to trust people who constantly lie to you is not only futile, it's stupid. Nobody likes the word "stupid," but if the shoe fits! Ignorance can be educated, stupid ruthlessly rejects truth and fact!
The end-result of holding-on to the wrong-person is the development of bitterness and trust-issues. Issues and insecurities that will be dragged along as baggage into another relationship. To be displayed as the caustic aberration known as "trust-issues." Hence, the relentless punishment of everyone else thereafter for what HE DID! All because you didn't have the strength and the commonsense to let him go when you realized he was a liar, cheater, and a lost cause! Holding-on to people in spite of being used, abused, and lied to is not love. That's being desperate. Making a person the ultimate center of your universe; and the focus of your worship. That will cost you much more than you will ever bargain for! Their sneaky little tricks continue to happen over and over.
He's a bad investment, sweetheart!
A
female
reader, CarrieSoa  +, writes (1 March 2021):
 It's clear as day that he is cheating. You just choose not to accept it even with the evidence of deleted chats. There is no point being in a relationship if there is no trust.
Stop blinding yourself to his secrecy. If he won't tell you the truth then you will just have to end the relationship. It will mentally torture you if you don't.
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