A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help! Is my boyfriend gay, bi or what??I started seeing someone 3 months ago ( I am female, he he a male). We are both in our late 30's. From Day 1, he told me has never been in love, while I, on the otherhand have been in love a few times in my 35 plus years. He told me he had a hard time watching his mom and dad and how bad their relationship was. He said it has made him very skeptical of love and trusting anyone.Anyway, about 3 weeks into the relationship, I realized I was in love with this guy. But I knew if we ever fell in love, that it would be best if he was the one to say it first. He and I are great together, we have tons in common, same interests, etc. All around good guy. Almost 1 month into the relationship, he told me he loved me! I was so excited! I have never been married, no kids..same with him.About the sex--when we have sex, he rarely is able to come. He has diabetes, so I guess I was attributing his lack of orgasm to this..But the sex is amazing and he tells me how much he loves me all the time and how attracted he is to me...when he is unable to come, I ask him why and he says he just gets distracted easily..About 2 months into the relationship, I was on his laptop (with his permission) and I noticed a gaywebsite in the dropdown menu. I was very shocked. I didn't look at the actual site until I was at work the next day. What I found shocked me. It was a gay website for guys to meet other guys (post a profile, etc.)..I spoke to a gay friend and he said maybe he just liked to get off on the pictures or something..so I kind of let it go at that because this guys is so perfect for me and I love him SO much. I know he feels the same for me.Anyway, last week, I was at his house(he was out-at a sporting event with a friend) and I was using his latpop again. I saw the website on the dropdown again ( had seen it a few times at this pont, but was giving him his space on this..maybe he would talk to me about it at some point?)..I clicked on the website and it and went to the home page where it automatically logged him in. I saw pictures, emails, etc...but nothing really concrete saying that he had slept with anyone...but noticed that he had sent a few 'winks' he day before..I approached him about this the next day. He said he had questioned his sexuality and was a little turned on by guys, but still loved women..when he imagines kissing someone, he imagines kissing me..when he imagines spending his life with someone, he imagines spending it with me..he said any attraction to any of the pictures was purely sexual, nothing else.He told me he had wanted to tell me from Day 1-about his past, but was afraid of my reaction. He said he was kind of glad I had found out, but sad that it had happened this way...He also told me he was molested by a 23 year old cousin when he 13..he had never told anyone about that.The talk was good for both of us..he told me he didn't want to lose me, that he loves me, that he wants to be with me and that he would never be with another man. That would be cheating anyway and he would never cheat. I told him he could keep the website (was this wrong??) because it was something he kind of gets off on and likes to use to masterbate..as long as he changes the profile to not allow guys to contact him, and not wink at guys..but I didn't want to take something away from him and then have him senak behind my back..I told him if he ever cheated or went with another guy, that that would be the end of us.He also told me that he has had same sex sexual encounters in the past..purely sexual...and that he has recently been tested for HIV. He should have told me about these previous sexual encounters, my health is important and if he is risking me..I told him that we both need to be tested at this point and we are now using condoms..BUT this is a whole other topic..He has 4 siblings, all around the same age, and all have families. Is he trying to just be like them, be 'normal'? Not be out? I am trying to figure out if he really loves me, or is he just trying to live the life that people expect him to live? I worry that I am not going to be able to satisfy him (as a woman) and that he will want to go elsewhere and act on his gay urges. I plan on having a talk with him this week so we can clear up any questions or concerns I have with all of this, but what do you all think? Does he love me? Is he Bi? Can he be both and still love me with all of his heart and soul(like he says all the time?)Seems to me he wouldn't do all the awesome things he does for me, if he didn't truly love me on some level.I am very worried about this.Thanks so much.
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at work, condom, cousin, fell in love, kissing, orgasm Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): The information you gave is very detailed and you've obviously thought alot about this. One thing that everyone seems to be ignoring is the fact that he was molested. I was too. It screws you up more ways than you can imagine. But let's just focus on his sexuality. Yes, when a boy is molested this usually causes the victum to question his sexuality. This isn't a guess. It's what I've gone through. I know it's not the same for everyone but I thought that you needed to know. If you really love him, then try to understand what he went through and what he's going through. (This doesn't mean that you should allow him to cheat on you.) It's a difficult thing to talk about. I only in the past several months told my best friend what happened. He encouraged me to get help. I'm working on the problem. Maybe your bf needs help addressing his problem. Therapy doesn't mean he's crazy. It just means that he wants to make his life better.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2007): Some people have a hard time accepting they are gay. I agree with the other post that it is odd that he has gone to a gay dating site as if he wanted to just look or get off a porn site would be the place to go to. As you yourself said - he'd sent a few winks the day before - that is making contact with other guys. How can you be okay with that? Would he be okay if you went on a dating website and sent a few winks to some people?
Maybe he is confused about his sexuality and thinks since he's unsure he should go with women. If that is the case he needs to leave men behind and stop looking!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): He may well love you, but he does sound quite conflicted about his sexuality.Perhaps also he is trying to live a "normal" life because he thinks this is what he should do. I don't know.Yes, have a very frank talk with him. See what he says.I do think you must prepare yourself that if you continue in this relationship there may very well come a time when he finds he cannot resist the urge to have another same-sex encounter. Considering that the sex you two have had, as opposed to gay sex for him, it is a powerful urge.How would you handle that? It would behoove you to think long and hard before deciding whether to continue on with him in a romantic relationship........
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A
female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (10 September 2007):
 It sounds as though you are very honest with each other. He has told you things about himself that are very difficult for him to deal with. Keep being open and honest with him, treat him with respect, and it will work out. It sounds to me as if he loves you, but could be bisexual. Would this bother you? Remember that just because he's bi doesn't mean that he will have to go off and sleep with another man at some point - bisexuality is like being attracted to both blondes and brunettes, just because you're dating a brunette doesn't mean you have to chase every blonde who walks past. Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, jm81690  +, writes (10 September 2007):
 Well, late 30's sounds a bit late to be Bi curious, but it sounds believable to me.The only thing I don't get is, if he wanted to get off on gay pictures, why did he goto an online dating site for gays rather than a gay porn site? Doesn't really add up.I think he is telling you the truth, but if I were you I'd be careful atleast.
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