A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is going to be really complicated, so please bear with me......I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years. She is 20, I am 26. I am in college, as is she. We are in a lot of classes together because we are in the same degree program. Initially our relationship was great. We spent a lot of time together and enjoyed every moment of it. She entered college around the same time I restarted college and thus we ended up suddenly in a position where we could see each other very often. Before this, she lived out of town; she moved to town to go to college which ended up meaning we could spend plenty of time together. Initially this was great for both of us. We could be more spontaneous. I could make plans with her for after classes and we could just go and have a good time, without having to pre-plan stuff days in advance. One day, we had a pretty nasty fight about something - i don't even recall what. We of course have had our disagreements, but this particular incident was the worst to date. It happened about a year ago. We *almost* broke up over it, but she decided within a few days that it wasn't what she wanted, and she asked for ME back, which I accepted - and we had a serious talk about the future of our relationship.But the problems started at that point I believe. From that point on, I've started to feel there's some dishonesty on her part. In a few instances, she's openly admitted to "Being afraid" to tell me things because "she hates fighting with me and loves me." I always tell her that this is not the right approach; that I've worked hard on being more calm in the face of stress and that I want her to talk to me and communicate rather than hold things in, because doing so will only tear us apart. "I know, I'm working on it too, it's just so many people in my life accuse me of doing everything wrong so I get nervous to be honest a lot."Here's the real problem. This was a year ago. As I said, I've been trying to do my part to make the relationship better. But from her, I've started to feel less and less effort. Initially after we got back together, (remember, it was her who came back), she was very attentive to the relationship. For a couple of months things were even better than before - but then she went home for a break and since then something's been off. I finally confronted her about a month ago and told her that I feel something is definitely off with our relationship and that I want to talk about it. She thought for a while, and said "yes, I think something has been off for a while too... I do want to talk, but could I take some time to think about everything and maybe write some stuff down, so that I can talk to you honestly and be clear about my feelings and everything?" Sure, of course, I say. She says "let's talk next week."When the time came, she tells me she just started her internship (which I knew about) and thus she wouldn't be able to have time to meet - she had a lot of prep work to do in the evening. I also knew she was heading out for a vacation with her family later in the week, so I told her that we could talk when she gets back from her trip, and I wished her well. "That works good, we'll talk then," she said.But she's been back from her trip for over a week and I haven't heard anything from her. I've tried to text and call her and she simply doesn't respond. There never has been any official breakup, so in a technical sense I am still dating her, but it sure doesn't feel like it. As I said, I worry that there is some dishonesty - which is something I planned to reiterate when we talked. My way of looking at life and relationships is that yes, sometimes you're going to say things that hurt, upset, or piss off the other person - but if you are being totally honest, at the very least you have not violated trust - and that will make a difference once any initial anger or hurt subsides. She doesn't seem to think this way; instead she seems to be a lot more fearful of "hurting people's feelings" or also being told she's wrong, that she holds things in. I have to see her in class this fall in about a month. I'm not really prepared to be able to do that if we have to be broken up. We already committed to a research project together, which will require us to spend a LOT of time working alone together. Also, one of the professors for my fall classes already talked to me and said that he planned to pair us up for the semester-long project since he knows both of us and has seen that we work very well together (we do). I am not really prepared to spend that much time with her if we are going to end up having to break up...I do love her and am willing to stick by her while she works on these issues, but I need her to actually be working on them. And I also need to communicate with her, which she doesn't seem to be too willing to do right now. I'm not sure why, maybe she's being influenced by family, maybe she is just being avoidant because she doesn't want to have to explicitly hide things from me... but either way.I've started to feel really down and upset about this, because I truly did and do see her as the first woman I've been with who I'd be happy to spend a life with. We do share a lot of common interests, beliefs and feelings about the world and life. There are snags and points of contention but that's something I've always accepted and have been willing to work with, and between us there never appeared to be many. I did have an ex who "changed" for me, without me really noticing, and in the end she got sick of being something she's not and dumped me - completely to my surprise, because I never asked or wanted her to change. I'm sort of afraid now that my "gf" is doing the same thing. I really need some advice...Thanks
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (19 July 2013):
 If you havent heard from her in over a week and she's refusing to answer your calls and texts, then that's a pretty clear sign you have broken up!
What you are forgetting is her age - she is only 20, she's just a baby and communication is not going to be her strong point. Youngsters in their early 20's are pretty cowardly too, she obviously has problems with honesty so rather than telling you to your face why she wants to break up, she's giving you the silent treatment until you get the point and move on.
I've had guys do that to me in the past - instead of being honest and breaking up with you properly, they just disappear of the face of the earth and dont talk to you ever again. Not cool. But its just an issue with people under the age of 25, too immature to be honest and communicate properly.
Accept that this is over, learn next time not to go for such a young girl when you are ready to settle down and get serious. Speak to your professors about finding new partners for projects, I'm sure they will be understanding.
If she wanted to make this work she would - her internship, her vacation...none of these things would have made a difference if she really wanted to make it work with you. Writing her feelings down would have been a good idea and she could have given you the letter to read and absorb while she was away. But she couldnt even be bothered to do that.
All of this screams to me that she's met someone else, probably some guy back at home. Hence why she is just pretending you dont exist, so she doesnt have to deal with your reaction to her two-timing you.
Dont commit to people that are not willing to put the effort in with you - relationships are a two way street and you need to feel like the other person wants it to work as much as you do. At the moment you are the only one wanting this to work and she is just running away from it all. This wont go anywhere, even if she comes crawling back you now know that she is incapable of communication and she is too immature to commit.
Move on and stop wasting your time, if you are ready to settle down then she is not the girl for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): You sound very mature for your age, and that's a good thing. But she is only 20. I think you put a lot of weight on her that sheis not able to handle. And thats why she is drifting away. honesty is deffinitely a good thing but when the other person feels like being honest. She obviously doesn't want to discuss anything, and even if sheis wrong thisis how it is. You can't really make anyone to open up, it's just impossible
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): "In a few instances, she's openly admitted to "Being afraid" to tell me things because "she hates fighting with me and loves me." I always tell her that this is not the right approach; that I've worked hard on being more calm in the face of stress and that I want her to talk to me and communicate rather than hold things in, because doing so will only tear us apart. "Well, have you made it safe for her to talk to you and be open with you? Or do you have a meltdown and try to tear her apart during conflicts? And yet demand that she should make herself vulnerable to you the next time after you hurt her?Your girlfriend was telling you something important, that she's AFRAID to be honest with you. You cannot deal with someone's fear of you by simply invalidating it.it's great that you're working to be more calm under stress, but realize that sometimes the damage is already done. Or it can take an incredibly long time to rebuild her trust in you, or to even build it up if it never was there to begin with. What trust, you might say? You have always been honest in everything you've said even in anger so there hasn't been any dishonesty on your part.that's true, but, trust can be broken from being hurt not just from dishonesty. Saying harsh or cruel things that deeply hurt someone's feelings (it may not sound harsh to you but it may be to her), DOES break their trust in you because you harmed them emotionally.One year isn't a long time, to her the wounds from that nasty fight are probably still quite fresh.I think she is planning to break up with you, since it doesn't sound like you're giving her the space or compassion or understanding to slowly regain her trust in you but are trying to rush her to get over her distrust of you. When under pressure, being her usual conflict avoidant self, she is simply putting off the break up to avoid the nastiness she fears.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): "my way of looking at life and relationships is that yes, sometimes you're going to say things that hurt, upset, or piss off the other person - but if you are being totally honest, at the very least you have not violated trust - and that will make a difference once any initial anger or hurt subsides. She doesn't seem to think this way; instead she seems to be a lot more fearful of "hurting people's feelings" or also being told she's wrong, that she holds things in. "Yikes, you two have totally and completely different world views and interpersonal relating styles. This is a big red flag because you're basically programmed differently. one or both of you are going to have to shift the way you fundamentally think is the 'right' way to have a relationship. since you can't change her, I suggest you try to shift your views on how a relationship should operate even though it will feel unnatural to you but if you practice it a lot you will get better at it.I actually tend to agree with her view more, even though I'm not avoidant like she is. See, I do not believe that it's OK to say whatever the hell hurtful things you say, as long as it's "honest". It is NOT OK JUST BECAUSE IT'S HONEST. Words can do more damage than you ever know, even honest words. Words can totally destroy the other persons' trust in you and totally change their perception of you. Then, they are unable to hear your apologies and explanations later on because your initial words have hurt them so much they're already changed. You really need to be more careful of the words that come out of your mouth, because words matter. I'm not saying you should be dishonest or avoidant. I do believe in honesty and authenticity in relationships and not being fake. If something bothers you a lot, you should say it. But I there's a fine line between honesty and callousness. If you're SO HONEST that you don't expend the mental/emotional energy to control your words, then you're being selfish. You're saying "all that matters is my immediate emotional gratification of spewing out my thoughts. I dont' care how my words impact you, I only care about venting my own feelings." when you simply spew out hurtful things in the name of "honesty" , what you're doing is you're creating an 'unsafe place' in the relationship. This makes sensitive people like your gf recoil and get scared away from you for fear of being hurt. Then in return you feel her distance and her disengagement which leaves you feeling abandoned. Your relationship should be a safe place for both people, not a place where one person feels attacked and the other feels abandoned. I think you should start by making your relationship a 'safe place' for your gf. Then rather than trying to get her not to disengage as her automatic response, you should make the relationship feel 'safe' enough to her that she doesn't feel the need to resort to disengagement in the first place. Also, relationships don't stay constant, they change over time. Just because you're not as close now as a year ago, is not a cause for panic and mobilizing the forces. If you intend to stay with her for the rest of your life, you have plenty of time to get close again. In life, things often get in the way that temporarily take over people's mind and energy. Dont' worry. If a relationship is strong, it will not fall apart just because one partner has drifted away temporarily for a few months, they will come back. I wonder why your automatic reaction to her becoming distant, is to assume the worst that there's going to be a break up? Why do you jump to this conclusion? (because extreme thinking leads to extreme behavior which impacts your partner and can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy)p />there could be many reasons she is disengaged from you at the moment, and break up is not necessarily the automatic next step by default. She could be just going through a rough time. If you assume that you will be together, then you can relax and give her the support she may need, or just patiently wait out whatever she's going through until she returns. But if you over react to this and make it into another cause for conflict (like demanding she change and "put more effort") then you're doing more harm than good, again by making her feel 'unsafe' like she's doing something wrong. I guess I'm saying you should just give her more space to not have to be "on top of her game" at all times as far as the relationship. If you've already given her this space and still feel alarmed at her increasing distance, then I would say yes by all means you should bring up your concerns to her. But be careful how you say it because you know what triggers her fear and avoidance.When you make the other person feel "unsafe" to be honest with you - for example, because you've said really hurtful things to them in the past - then you're actually teaching them to hide things from you. "I did have an ex who "changed" for me, without me really noticing, and in the end she got sick of being something she's not and dumped me - completely to my surprise, because I never asked or wanted her to change. "You may not have explicitly said to your ex "hey I want you to change for me." But your behavior may have given her that message. If you think history is repeating with your current gf, maybe stop and examine your behavior and how it's being perceived by the other person? Are you trying to change your gf, not by telling her outright that she has to change, but by pressuring her to do things different? (such as pressuring her to be more 'honest' than she's comfortable with?). For example you wrote "I do love her and am willing to stick by her while she works on these issues, but I need her to actually be working on them." ...well, how do you know that she is NOT working on her issues?? Maybe she is internally working on her issues, just that it is not producing results fast enough for you? for someone like your gf who has been conditioned in the past to be terrified of conflict and making mistakes, the worst thing you can do is to (a) lash out in anger, but that ship has already sailed it looks like, and probably permanently damaged the relationship in some way, and (b) making her feel like you're putting her under a microscope. what you should be doing is making her feel comfortable and secure. Since you may have irreversibly damaged her sense of 'safety' with you from the nasty, relationship-redefining fight a year ago, you have a lot of ground to catch up on as far as remaking your image to be what she perceives as a 'safe person.'
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