A
female
age
41-50,
*ightaphodite
writes:Hi,I need advice on how to better understand and help a close friend of mine, to whom I’ve been an agony aunt since our teenage years. First of all, I’m not super-woman. I’ve had my own share of heartbreak and loneliness. It just happened that some of my friends rely on me and trust my judgment.I hate stereotyping and I love my friend, but to make this as short as possible I’ll say that my friend’s love problems can be boiled down to one basic scenario: she falls in love with unavailable men (most of the time she’s not their type) who enjoy her attention and affection and keep her around to boost their own egos. She feeds on crumbs, reads into every word, justifies their behavior and dreams of the future when they’ll be together. To make one thing clear, it has never gotten physical with any of them. But, she always manages to somehow explain this and continues to live in a dream world. They never lie nor hide their girlfriends/wives. They use them to make her even more interested. Sadly, this works every time. And every time she ends up alone and heartbroken.Now, I’ve been telling her for years that she’s love worthy and that she should have more respect for herself to no avail. I got really worried when she told me that when this latest love interest of hers went out to buy something while leaving his computer turned on, she poked around his FB, Skype, mails and read, even copied messages that he’d exchanged with his girlfriend! I froze.I know I should tell her something, I just don’t know what or how. I mean, had it been somebody I had heard of, the first thing that would pop into my mind would be a sociopath! This behavior has always been self-destructive, but it’s getting worse as we’re getting older. We’re in mid-thirties now… you get the picture.Please help, I feel that I’m enabling her and making it worse.Thanxx!
View related questions:
heartbroken Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (19 July 2013):
 I am afraid you have to let her make her mistakes until she learns. Of course you still have to keep telling /supporting her if she is truly your friend but there isn't much else you can do that.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 July 2013):
 You may join that large "group" of people who believe they can - or, should - "help" their friend(s).....
Now... you can hear this fact: YOU CAN'T "HELP" PEOPLE WHO WON'T HELP THEMSELVES!!!!!!
That's about all I have to say on this matter....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, mightaphodite +, writes (19 July 2013):
mightaphodite is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear WiseOwlE,thank you so much for your advice!She refuses to seek professional help and always finds a no-money/no-time reason. However she always has both for e.g. astrologists or healers. I'm not saying that it's a complete rubbish. It's just symptomatic that she always returns with the answers she wanted to get in the first place. I neglected to say that she's overweight and whenever she stays with my husband and me she sneaks in sweets and eats when we go to bed - she told me so herself. And you used the right word "mothering", because, among other things, she treats us like her parents.This question of weight was the first signal for the therapist she saw for a brief time when she was 19 to ask the same question about sexual abuse. She claims that is not the case. One thing I'm certain of is that she adores her perfect-looking athletic (aggressive and verbally abusive)father while she looks down on her passive, not-so-tall and overweight mother. Naturally, when you look at her she resembles the latter more.My problem you mentioned - solving other people's problems is something I've been discussing with my therapist :) Thank you again!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): Your friend's self-esteem is in the pits. In her mind she is unworthy of love, and seeks unavailable men; because she doesn't believe men want to commit to her anyway. She has deep-seated psychological issues. Therefore; she isn't worthy of commitment, until she seeks the necessary help to heal her.
She behaves as if she has been emotionally and/or sexually abused at some earlier point in her life.
Just your talking and advising her will not exorcise her inner-most demons. Her path of self-destruction is deliberate. She has to seek her on deliverance. It cannot be handed to her.
The more you try to mother her, the more self-destructive she will become; because she needs professional help. She uses you as safety net. She now requires professional counseling; because it has likely reached a level of a mental disorder.
Your support is probably the only reason she hasn't just spun completely out of control. She is reaching the brink. You're picking that up; because you've closely observed her behavior. Thus you wrote this post.
Just hang in there as a support-system. She is a grown woman and capable of making her own choices. She is not totally unaware of the consequences of her actions. She just doesn't care, because she doesn't value herself. She feels men are all the same. She doesn't fault herself at all, she just thinks all men are devils. In truth, all her choices of men are the same.
I hope you take time to take care of yourself. You can't follow her around concerning yourself with her business.
You have to have love and a life of your own. Devoting so much effort to being her care-taker; is robbing you of your own valuable time and the best years of life.
Please allow her to seek help through other sources and allow yourself to have fun and enjoy your own life. She is dragging you down with her.
Sweetie, let go of the anchor.
...............................
|
