A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and i have been together for approximately 3 months now. We have a fantastic relationship, we never argue, spent plenty of time together and have an incredibly loving bond. I can without doubt say that she fulfills my every need both physically and emotionally. I am quite a sensitive person in general, and she treats this sensitivity with the utmost care ensuring that my emotional needs, which are fairly steep, are always fulfilled. I couldnt ask for a better girlfriend and i love her incredibly much. I would say she feels the exact same about me. We are both highly succesful and fairly well off individuals who take our careers quite seriously, so the fact that we still have time for each other no matter what, is fantastic. But with all wonderful things in life, if it sounds too good to be true it probably is. About 2 months ago, it was my birthday, and all i received was a card. She did remember my birthday and of course i dont mean to be ungrateful, but she is a fairly succesful career woman and i suppose i would have liked something, even if it was just a box of chocolates or perhaps an offer to even take me to dinner. Even her own mothers reaction was 'did you only get him card??'?I can without doubt say that i spoil this girl rotten, she is undoubtedly the apple of my eye. She receives flowers all the time from me, and normally an expensive gift everytime i travel on business to let her know that i was thinking of her constantly (which is quite frequent). I dont mind doing this because i know it means something to her. Gifts are effectively my way of expressing the love i feel for her, however please dont misunderstand me, i shower her with love, attentions, hugs, kisses and phonecalls to also let her know that i am not a materialistic creature.I have tried to identify her core love language, but it does not appear to be gifts and sometimes she is not always that emotionally expressive, even though she tries very hard for me. She does however provide me with the attention i need, which is a lot of emotion and she has told me that she loves reciprocal emotion and all the attention i give her. I could tell her i love her a 1000 times a day and she would do the same for me (even though it does not come naturally to her). She doesnt really buy me anything and most of the time i end up doing the groceries, otherwise there is generally no food in the house. Fair enough.Over christmas i bought her many many stunning gifts, once again i spoilt her silly. I even wrote her a number of cards in immense detail expressing how she feels to me. I only received one gift from her, not particularly expensive (but a gift nonetheless which was really nice) and a card with one line telling me she loves me. I even took her on holiday. This saddened me.The point. I really dont want to be a part of an icy showdown of loathing and disrespect as a result of an unbalanced exchange of efforts. It worries me that i invest so much and even though she worships me unbelievably, i appear to be doing more work and the emotional investment which i require in words at important times just doesnt appear to be there. It really wounds me to think, and this is not a comic exaggeration, that the effort doesnt appear to be forthcoming. I also dont want to mention it, as i believe an unrelenting attitude may just ruin everything that is so wonderful. I am not in the business of supporting impoverished habits, but how do i begin to tackle this scenario, it appears to be unbalanced??? Or am i just overreacting???
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 January 2009):
 I agree with baddog. As much as women ( and men) likes to be spoiled with presents and stuff, it really shouldn't be the focus in a relationship. Giving an expensive present is NOT love, it's easy. Showing love - having a romantic outing (which can be quite cheap), renting a movie and snuggling up with a bag of popcorn....
Slow down with the spoiling. Now if she complains about the fewer gifts and "stuff" well then you can bring up the difference in gifts with her. Otherwise stop focusing on the material stuff.
Personally I rather have a night in with hubby and the kids at our friends house then diamonds......
A
female
reader, didda123 +, writes (26 January 2009):
 I was going to say i don't think you are overacting on first reading your letter but on reflection i have just noticed that your relationship is in the early stages and your birthday was only one month into your relationship at this stage you are just working out your feelings for one another and maybe she just felt a little embarrassed about buying gifts and not knowing exactly how much would be appropriate to spend.
I think it is too soon to bring the subject up and just because you are overly generous with her does not mean that she should be the same or ever will be for that matter with you. You should just accept her as she is and maybe in time as your love grows she will feel more at ease with you and will know your likes and dislikes much more and so be able to buy you an appropriate gift. Don't judge her on her lack of generosity because she is very generous as you have said in other ways and you get more than enough attention.
You say you are very generous but no doubt she could find fault with that she may think you are over the top, who knows, so you have to learn to meet in the middle somewhat, you accept her for who she is and she will no doubt do the same for you.
You mentioned that her own mother thought she should have been a little more generous on your birthday though i wonder if this lack of giving stems from her childhood. Are her family quite conservative about the giving and receiving of gifts in general, although there is nothing at all wrong with that each to their own!
She can express herself in front of you emotionally but she seems reluctant to comit anything to paper you say that those things don't come naturally to her so maybe you should just be thankful for the litte she is expressing to you, as you obviously don't feel any real neglect emotionally and personally i think that is what is important in a relationship be thankful that you have that!
As for your groceries if she lives alone there is really no need to have a full larder she probably just buys things as she needs them.
I would say you are a very sensitive guy who is in touch with his feminine side she is very luck to have you but just enjoy the relationship you have with this woman and stop looking for problems where there really are none.
You really can't make her be something she isn't she is showing her love for you in many other ways so i don't doubt that she cares immensely for you. Maybe material things are just not as important to her which really is a big plus point for her.
Don't stress over it too much x
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (26 January 2009):
 If you want balance then realise that you control only one side of the scales. Do less, unless that is you think that you can keep up your current level of effort for ever. It seems as if you are creating expectations that you will never be able to live up to in long term. You have also left yourself no room to step up your game when you really need to. Only 3 months in to the relationship you still may have time to gradually scale back your level of effort and gifts before it becomes a permanent expectation. You have fallen in to the trap of "gift inflation" and your girlfriend has wisely avoided it. 2 personal examples which I believe map back on to your situation:- I have very cute kids, I spoil them, their mum spoils them (she grew up in cultural revolution era China and had nothing so she loves to buy things for them). They love to get presents but the impact of each one is reduced and the simple act of going out shopping and NOT getting a present feels to them like a withdrawal of love. I was at an orphanage recently and saw some donated gifts being distributed to the children there. One barbie type doll was enough to move a little girl to tears of joy, literally transported with delight. My girls have about 20 of them and they don't get as much pleasure from the 20 as that little girl got from 1.- my first long term mistress in China was a girl of phenomenal beauty, I showered her with gifts - in a massive error of judgement I seriously overdid it - just the gifts that I gave her in our first year together would have been worth more than 15 years' annual income for her. I learned the accuracy of 2 truisms: "people don't value what comes too easily" and "you can't buy love" (although you can lease it - at least in China). There was nowhere for me to go from there.There are taciturn and outwardly undemonstrative men who can move their lover's hearts with a simple gift or a few words as much or even more than you can with all of the effort that you put in, precisely because their lover understands that these words are not easily given. I'm not suggesting that you metamorphose into the Marlboro Man but you need to start to fight the inflation that you have created and cut back the emotional "money supply" otherwise your words and gifts will have no value.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (26 January 2009):
 I think you need to put this into context....you have only been together 3 months which is not very long at all. You are both still getting to know each other and each others ways. You mentioned groceries in the house....does this mean that you live with each other already?
If you are living together and have only been together 3 months, I'm not suprised this girl is not putting as much "effort" into the relationhsip as you becuase clearly she will be overwhemled with the speed and intensity of the relationship.
Yes you are both successfull people; but why lavish gifts on someone just for the sake of it? You are only setting yourself up for a fall here; if you weren't buying her so many presents then there would be no issues would there? You should only buy her gifts if you honestly do not want a gift in return.
The birthday card thing...you said it was 2 months ago. Hence you will have only been together 1 month. A small present would have been nice but in all fairness you hadnt known each other very long, she probably had no idea what to buy you as she didnt know you very well!
In my opinion, you need to slow this down a bit. Stop buying her gifts, stop the high expectations from her too. You have said that she fulfills your every need...if this is true then you are incredibly lucky to have found a person that you feel that way about and that she feels the same too.
If you are really concerned that in the future this will build up and make the situation worse then you need to talk to her. Sit down with her and ask why she does not seem to reciprocate your loving gestures.
But I know what the answer will be....you are clearly a very romantic man that loves to spoil your girlfriend. She on the other hand, is a modern woman who is not at all used to men behaving in this way. So to her, this behaviour is all very alien and I imagine she is having a hard time trying to handle it. Modern women have been brought up to make their own money, look after themselves and stop waiting for their "prince charming". The majority of men have no idea how to treat a woman, I bet she is more used to a "typical man" rather than someone like you.
Dont be too hard on her, it will take time for her to get used to being treated the way you treat her. But once she feels more comfortable with it, I'm sure she will start putting the same amount of effort in with you as you do for her.
Good luck!
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