A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ever since i let my girlfriend move in with me she has changed so much.When we first met she was active, sporty and outgoing but ever since she moved in with me she has changed so much.She don't goto the gym anymore, she never does housework,cleaning,laundry ect. She never goes shopping or even cooks.I'm sick of coming home after a 16 hour shift only to find the house a mess and no food in becuse she has been munching allday. She only works part time so she has got a very lot of spare time on her hands.She has put on 2 stone in weight and hardly cares about her apperanace. Our sex life has gone down hill as she drinks a lot and most nights she has passed out on the sofa.I'm starting to regret asking her to move in with me, and i'm thinking of telling her to shape up or ship out.
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female
reader, honeysoul  +, writes (4 September 2009):
 first thing is first how long did you two date before she moved in? and WHAT THE HELL were you thinking? the thing is she obvioslly fulled you to think she was something else. You need to give her the boot and let her know how useless she is in your life, you are a hardworking man and you need much beter there is no way you will change her
A
female
reader, shygrl86  +, writes (1 September 2009):
 Wow if I were her I would be embarassed of my behavior. I don't think that any women should let themselves go it shows that you don't respect your own body and you don't care about your partner.
I think house work is a two way street, but since your the one working full time and she is not she should be willing to take on that responsibility.
Talk to her in a gental way and see what happens. If she dosn't want to do anything about it, then what does that tell you about her motivation level and your future togeather!!!?
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 September 2009):
 I think you certainly should talk to her but perhaps in a more gentle way than you have said on here, and you really shouldnt mention the weight issue right away unless you want her to go on the defensive right from the start.
Tell her that your concerned about her drinking and you have noticed it has started to take its toll on your sex life. Tell her that while you are happy for her to work part time, you would appreciate it if she could do a little more around the house whilst you are working such long hours. Maybe even draw up a rota with the things she needs to do around the house during the week, and then you could add in a few chores for yourself at the weekend (to make it look fair).
You need to explain to her that while you love her and enjoy having her live with you, this is your flat/house and you expect it to be kept a certain way. She needs to understand that you still love her but you miss the girl she was before you moved in together. Going on about her weight will only make her feel worse so its best to target the other things and hopefully when she starts to make other changes then she will re-focus her attention on her weight too. She will be aware that she has put on weight and she wont feel great about it (even if she doesnt show it she will deep down feel quite upset about it). So telling her she is fat and you dont fancy her anymore will only make her reach for the chocolate, try and avoid the issue directly! Maybe take her out more at the weekends doing active stuff, like walks in the country, playing sports together, hiring bikes etc. This way you are getting her more exercise whilst disguising it as something to do together!
The way she is behaving sounds to me like either 1. she is depressed and using food and drink to take her mind off the way she is feeling; or 2. your relationship has changed a lot since you moved in together (not just her but you as well) and she is no longer happy in the relationship. Maybe she feels neglected because you are working so much and when you do come home, you just nag her. I think one of these reasons, or maybe a combination of both is causing her to have this attitude. Talk to her about how she feels the relationship is going - maybe when she opens up about how she is feeling you will find the real reason behind this all.
I dont think she is just being lazy here - there will be a reason why she is behaving like this. The drinking until she passes out is a clear sign that something is really wrong, so try and figure out what is going on in her head before you launch an attack on her about how fat/lazy/messy she is. There may be a few things you need to change before she feels happy again and wants to lose the weight/make the effort.
I was in a similar situation to this - when I moved in with my boyfriend (now ex) I was happy and slim, and loved making an effort around the house for him even though I worked full time. But when he changed (he stopped paying any attention to me, he only cared about work or his car, he would barely even speak to me and totally took me for granted) I let myself go. I put on nearly 2 stone because I was so unhappy and I comfort ate to stop me realising how unhappy I was in the relationship. I allowed the flat to get into a mess but I still did do a lot of the washing etc for him. Eventually I realised it was him that made me unhappy so I left him, and now I have lost 1 and a half stone and I'm back to my old happy self.
So while this may be totally different to your case, there is a chance that there are some underlying issues behind her behaviour and you may need to be prepared to make some changes yourself. So talk to her, first of all about the relationship. Find out what is going on in her head and see if she will talk about why she has gotten this way, And then try and make some steps towards changing things for the better, so both of you are putting more effort into this relationship.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): It could be that she is just taking advantage of the fact that you are now living together.
Or there may be something more going on. From what I've read, there are signs here that suggest she is unhappy. I could be wrong, but I'm wondering if she may be a bit depressed. Have you tried talking to her, to see if there is anything wrong? It just seems strange that she has gone from being an active, outgoing girl, to somebody who doesn't care about their appearance, drinks a lot, and doesn't seem to have much motivation.
You mentioned that she has a lot of spare time on her hands. Perhaps that is part of what is wrong. Maybe if she tried to do more, like join a group or something, it would help.
But I would recommend talking to her first, and seeing if there is anything wrong. If she is feeling down, then seeing the doctor might be a good idea, as they will be able to offer suggestions for her to help herself. Or they can offer treatment, if necessary.
So I would try that first, before giving up on her. This must be hard for you though, and really tiring. Again, if you talk to her and tell her how you are feeling, it might motivate her to do something. If she doesn't seem to want to even try though, and it feels like too much for you, then tell her what you have said here, that she has to shape up or leave. That might sound cruel, but sometimes it can take some firm actions to get people to wake up and do something.
Good luck, I hope it works out for you. x
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 September 2009):
 That's exactly what you should do, and in those words. Be firm.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): The chance of any long-term potential with this chick is probably not going to happen. If it's happening like that now, if you get married, that would probably be your kind of lifestyle with her except imagine her packing on about 50lbs.She doesn't respect you. If you work, she can at least cook a couple times a week and keep the house decent. Take it from a chick, if I love and respected my man, I'd want him to come home to a relaxing environment especially if he's putting in all those hours. Maybe something is happening with her, maybe she's in a slump. I think it's time to just sit with her and ask her how she see's the relationship. And let her know, that if she hasn't noticed that you're working hard to build something and how is she contributing? My advice, forget active, sporty, and outgoing and look for a more traditional kind of woman.Good Luck
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