A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I'll get straight on to it.I'm a gay male in a long term relationship with another gay male. We have been together for 6.5 years, and though neither of us are "first timers" as far as long relationships go, I consider him to be my first real love. I trust him with all of my heart, and he is as good a man as I could ever hope to have. He treats me like an angel most of the time, and we have few fights. When we do have fights they are resolved quickly. We have both talked about getting married some day (we'd have to move somewhere where that is allowed- I think if it were legal here we might already be married!). We live together too. Basically it is a very close and solid relationship. The sex has always been good and experimental, he is very open minded and confident and he complements my sexual style perfectly. But lately we have had some problems, and for the last two months or so the sex has been less frequent and sometimes difficult (he cannot always sustain an erection, whereas before he never had any problems). I looked on his computer and found a lot of porn videos in the trash which is fine, we both often look at porn together and separately. However I noticed that it was all girl porn- lesbian porn and heterosexual porn. We usually (well, always) watch the gay stuff exclusively, with no female characters. I thought maybe he's just curious but then I realized that our sex life has been awkward lately... so maybe he is becoming confused about his sexuality... and maybe he is really straight? I asked him how he felt about women, and if he'd ever have sex with one (we have both only ever been with men, never gone past first base with a woman). He laughed it off and said "gross!" etc, but I believe he may be lying to me. We have many female friends, so I was thinking that maybe I should ask if he wants a threesome or something to explore this side of him. I just wish he would be honest with me, I know that he is looking at straight and lesbian porn but he won't admit it. His secrets are tearing me up, how do I go about getting him to open up? I never thought I would experience this sort of problem, as he'd never given me any indications about being straight or bisexual, in fact he has always been very homosexual, never shown any sexual interest in any female or even a feminine looking male.Whsts happening here? Should we go to therapy or should I wait it out? Anyone been in a similar situation? Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): I'm a straight woman but have quite a few gay mates (both male and female). Quite of few of them watch hetero porn - not because they are bi or straight but because, quite simply, it gets them off. Actually, one of my gay mates only watches hetero porn and doesn't watch gay porn - and he is most definitely gay ;) I watch lesbian porn but have no real interest in having sex with another female. Exploring our sexuality and what turns us on is what makes each of us unique. It doesn't mean he's going straight, not at all. It sounds as though you have a lovely open relationship and I think you need to talk to him about it. Suggest the 3some if you think he wants to explore that (if you are happy with that too obviously), make sure he knows you are supportive and want to have a sexually fulfilling relationship. I think you just need to really communicate your concern but not in a way that he feels attacked but in a way that he feels he can open up if there's anything wrong. Good luck, hun.
A
male
reader, davie  +, writes (11 February 2008):
Tell him you saw the straight and lesbian porn in the trash can on his computer - and then ask what that's all about. A confrontation may be what it takes to start getting some answers. If he holds back you ask more intensely. Explain that it is bothering you and you need to know.
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