A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So here's my story. My fiancé and I are supposed to be getting married in July but we have been having problems. We have been engaged since March 2012. To give some quick background we have dated for 4 years and lived together for 3. We live in New York City in an expensive apartment - our rent is $4500 per month for a 1 bedroom. Up until last July (2012) I worked at a job I hated and it was literally breaking me down. She used to criticize me for complaining too much about my job and so I went into therapy and was even prescribed medication at 1 point to try to help me deal with it. It didn't work because more so than just the job it was the whole career that I hated. I knew the only way for me to feel better was to get out of the career entirely. An opportunity to start a business with my brother came up and we both agreed that it would be wise for me to give it a go. At the time we talked about the risks, how I should give it a full year to see it through if it can become profitable, and that we are young do not have kids so now is the time to try something like this. I was very careful to make sure she was okay with it and we talked about it many times. She also said she wouldn't mind downsizing to a cheaper apartment. I have savings to get us by for a year and a half and she has a job although it doesn't pay much - she does however have a wealthy family who gives her quite a bit of money so she can afford a nice lifestyle/her share of the rent etc.Fast forward to now and she is pressuring me to fold up the business before we even really had a chance to see the profit possibilities (after 3 months) and apply for jobs with a standard paycheck. She claims she is sacrificing so much by moving to a cheaper apartment and it is a lot to ask of her. She constantly bickers with me about it and even threatens me that I will lose her if I don't do as she says in the next month or so. The problem I have is that this is not what we agreed upon when I decided to try to get my own business up and running. I also feel she is being a spoiled brat because I don't believe I am asking her to sacrifice much. For example, yes we will be moving to a cheaper apartment, but it will still be nice and a good size and in the same neighborhood. Just more affordable for us which is still a lot of money I think (around 3000 to 3600 per month is what would be more affordable for me financially). She says I should sacrifice more to keep us i the apartment by working an extra job at starbucks while trying to get the business going. Problem is she is already demanding and needy and while she says that it would be a disaster. Starting this business already is a full time job and more - if i worked at Starbucks a day or 2 as well I would never see her or spend time with her and she would complain about it. She keeps saying I need to get a stable job now to support us, however, when I remind her that I have a good amount of savings meant for that and that after a year if the business is not profitable I will go out and get a job she says that's not good enough. She says things like "oh great now we are using our savings up when instead it could be going things like vacation". What bothers me even more is that this is the money I saved much of it before we were even engaged. She is having me sign a prenup (which of course I am willing to sign) making sure her money before the marriage is hers an only hers, but the. When it comes to mine she wants to do the opposite and control how it is spent like it is her own.The other thing is she took a job with low pay in a field she wanted to work in because of money she is given from her family which makes her total salary equivalent to an average full time job in NYC. Without that she wouldn't be able to afford rent, etc from just her job salary. When it comes to the job she wants me to get however she put conditions on it such as, it has to be a job with the potential to make 300,000 or more a year in the future and says things like we can't have kids till we can afford full time help, even though she wants to stay home with them when we have them. The wedding planing has been even worse she has been the ultimate bridezila - demanding even my tuxedo be designer brand and only bought from expensive stores like Bloomingdales or Nordstroms. So I know that is long but basically I feel like she is being unreasonable and a spoiled brat and It is hurting me deeply and giving me doubts. I would even be willing to fold up the business for her as a last circumstance but I don't want to take a job just for money potential- which is how I ended up in a career I hated originally. I would like to think she loves me but to me it seems like her viewpoint on these things points towards her loving a lifestyle and maintaining a certain image more. Any thoughts? Advice on what to do?Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): Please please go with what So Very Confused says. She is spot on. Your fiancée will become even more demanding as time goes on and will drop you like a hot cake if no money is coming in. Of course she doesn't want to move as she would be perceived as being less successful and no way is she going to have that. Really I would be inclined to say that if she wants it so bad then she funds it herself! You sound like a nice chap and this lady is totally materialistic and out for herself.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 January 2013):
 Oy vey… so many things to address here.
I know for me my husband and I both have memory problems so I make notes or do important things in email so I have a record of them. IF she agreed to downsizing to a different apartment and now she’s backtracking you have either a memory issue or she changed her mind. Memory issues can be resolved via record keeping. Changing her mind, well that’s allowed too… but she needs valid reasons. Moving is a pain.
IF she agreed to a year (not a very long time to get a business established btw but reasonable) and is now whining about it after 3 months you can remind her that she agreed to give you a year to get it off the ground. And remind her she needs to be an adult and stick to her word. Her response to this will be very telling and help you decide what to do. But I have to say based on everything else you have written (even knowing spoiled NY girls like this in my life) I do not think you guys are going to be happy in the long run.
Clearly she does not want to move. Moving is a pain. But, if she agreed to it, she can’t backtrack without valid reasons.
When she says YOU should sacrifice more, you should tell her “YOU should work more and bring in more money through a job” Living on family money in this day and age is always a shaky proposition.
I also would be very concerned about her what’s mine is mine what’s yours is MINE attitude.
IN addition, she demands a salary that is in the top 2% of the country? And she wants full time help and to be able to stay home????? She is VERY VERY SPOILED.
As for the wedding… why are you BUYING a tux? Do you wear one more than twice a year? If not, RENT it.
Personally, my take on this… is that in the long run she will continue to behave like a typical spoiled NY princess (I know the type they are all single or divorced as they are too demanding to be a full partner in a marriage)
You have to figure out fast if you want this to happen now or not. Personally I think she’s very spoiled and demanding and it will get worse not better as she gets older.
She’s going to blow a fit if you cancel the wedding too close to July. I’d cancel it NOW before the invites go out.
AND I would move myself to my own apartment and let her parents foot the bill for her in her own place.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (23 January 2013):
 She sounds demanding and selfish. I don't know why you put up with her. She's just not worth it. People like that are never satisfied. The demands will be constant and ever-changing.You should think long and hard about this. Do you really want the rest of your life to be like this? There are so many nicer people out there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): You are absolutely correct. Think if your vows "for better ir worse" if you downsizing is a big deal imagine if one of you hit hard times and lost your job? Would she stay by your side? Realistically probably not. My fiance could be making much more rhan he does, twice as much actually AND we have a family. But the job that pays twice as much, he hates and it wears him down. He's getting into the fire fighting service but you have to have money for schooling to get all the certifications and such, and he has been getting it done. It's hard and its taken time because our finances aren't great as far as how much we make, school is taking longer, but he will have a career, great benefits and retirement and most importantly he will be happy and not "broken down".To give you An idea on his W2 it said he made 16k last year. Yes, for the year. I also have a part time job and we arrange our schedules so that we dont need "hired" help. Honestly I don't want anyone else raising my kids, babysitting is one thing and so is having a nanny while you work, but staying at home AND having hired help, I think is a bit extreme. I think she's been spoiled and that she doesn't understand or care to understand the "value if a dollar" so to speak and the meaning of hard work. She needs to be humbled a bit and not take you for granted. She needs to be committed the way a wife should be to her husband, and not leave him at the drop of a hat because money is tight. I can't really give you advice on how to humble her... maybe if her family stopped giving her money and she actually had to live off if her checks...?
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (23 January 2013):
 IMHO - you are in for some fun and games if you and your gf don't sort out the finances.I suspect that if you had to hit a rough patch and loose all your savings, that she would drop you in an instant. She is very materialistic and unrealistic.It is unfair of her to expect you to take on a 2nd job whilst she is not prepared to do the same.Counselling might be a very good idea in your relationship.
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A
female
reader, marypoppin  +, writes (23 January 2013):
Wow! Sounds like you've been through alot! I don't know much about being married, but I know that its critical that you are supportive of each other. Your fiance sounds extremely unsupportive. It takes alot of courage to start a business even in a positive period. A good relationship is about taking care of each other and a bit of self sacrifice. She is being quite selfish. Talk to her, get down to the core of the issue, come to the same page on this. Good luck!
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