A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:(Hi, I'm new here) Ok, recently I got really caught up in a huge mess for sure. It's a pretty long story but I have to start from there so that I can give my fellow answerers the info they need. Sorry, I know it's alot to read...----My bf and I (both 18, I'm a senior, he's in college) have been in a long distance relationship for what is going to be soon 4 years.When he first asked I warned him that it was going to be difficult convincing my parents, but he still wanted to go with this relationship anyways. During the first year I was pretty distant to him because I was afraid that he might not be serious and that he might be tagging along because his friends might be telling him too (yes there was a bunch of rumors going on before we started the relationship about how we supposedly would end up together... -_-)So we started off with a long distance relationship and our only way of communication was messenging and emails. Despite being pretty distant towards him for more than a year he still stayed in the relationship and I didn't really open myself to him until like the end of the 2nd year. From that point I was thinking that he is being serious, considered him trustworthy and loyal, and that I was planning to let my parents know about this later on during my 1st year of college (or 2nd)Though my mom found out earlier and caught up to us. She was pretty upset that I didn't tell her, but then she seemed to have calmed down. And I told her I was sorry that I did that cause I didn't want to hurt her or my dad and I started being open with her. And she agreed that she will handle letting my dad know over time. So everything seemed fine. Though a few weeks later my parents were making some steretypical jokes which bothered me even though I defended against these jokes, and who was I to talk to if my other best friend is my bf. So I told him he was pretty upset and I guess his parent got involved as well and got upset too.I later rearranged to met up with him when he came back to the same country as I am in and my mom told him that she didn't mean it and not to take it personally. and she started to show that she was starting to accept him.A few months passed and well I decided to have him go with me to my school's prom. He agreed and promised to go. We tried to meet up one time to discuss and have him deal with paying for his ticket but the first and 2nd arrangement he couldn't come because of arguements he had at home. Eventually the due date came around and he went out of his way to go to my school give his friend the money to pay for his ticket (and he ended up missing some of his classes) [and at this point my parents were making an issue as to how he didn't show up in the arranged meetings]I made one more meeting and this time he made it even though he was late because the bus broke down (and it was true the bus line was delayed by like 2 busses). Parents were still upset but we managed to meet up talk about what was going to go on at the event and arranged another meet up for getting a ride to get to the event. (and I also found out on this day that his condition of psoriasis got worse and spread due to his stay here.}Well 2 days before then event he told me he wouldn't be able to make it at the place where we would get picked up because he has to pick up his tux at that time, but said he will still made it to the event.And it was true he was a bit late, but he still made it. His psoriasis didn't flare up as much, to my surprise he took care of it to made sure it cleared up on his face. After an awkward silence (since we never really got to talk each other face to face since 3 years ago) we got into a conversation for the rest of the night after eating, walking around, and held hands for the first time (and nothing more than that). We got caught up in our conversation that we didn't even finish when the event was over. But I had fun and he also said that he enjoyed the event as well and said that I looked beautiful.The following weekend after prom drama started happening. I was at first talking to my mom about how I was going to grad night, but she told me that I am not going (cause at first I didn't want to go but changed my mind) then My mom made a big deal about how I should not be with my bf because he is irrisponsible and that I was being blind. I talked to my bf only about my parents reconsidering about me going to grad night. and he got upset and said that was not fair for me and that I was looking really unhappy (over the webcam chat) and that I should stand up to them for this unfairness.The 2nd day she talked to me again and she knew that I talked to my bf about the stereotypical joke problem and I admit that I practiclly ruined it for all of us and thought that was the reason why he dislikes my parents. So I talked with my bf and tried to restrain myself from telling him cause I knew he was busy studying for finals and is already stressed as much as it is. but he insisted for me to tell him what was up and so I told him. And he got upset about how I ended up blaming myself and told me that this was what he didn't want me to do because that has happened to him (which led to his psoriasis). He pointed out that we are both stressed out with trying to get my parents to accept our relationsip (for more than a year) and seeing me come to the point of blaming myself... he suggested for us to take some time off from our relationship since I was not only his gf but his close friend and didn't want us to turn into enemies. (I didn't want to take a break or postpone the relationship and asked him some time for me to try to work it out with my parents. but we tried that already for a year while he was here and it looks like they're not going to budge. so I agreed to the time off but I personally took the responsiblity upon myself to talk with my parents) He said he decided for us to take time off so that I would be happy again by doing whatever it is that will make me happy and promised me that this is not over and hope that the next time we would meet up again it would be like when we were at prom, no awkward situation of my parents being nearby and staring us down.The following day I talked with my parents and they got upset I brought this up again. They explained their concerns about Grad night for my saftey because of the people attending (so I understood that) But this time I went full out and told them everything about our relationship. my dad was upset that I went against his "no boyfriend" rule. Every reason I gave they shot it down with "all men are liars, how can you believe he's being loyal when you can't see what he is doing?" (and that I was being stupid for doing so). and that because I complained about the jokes to my bf and his parent knew, that stained the realtionship forever and that if my bf and I do end up together his family will treat me like (the s word) and same will go for my parents, they also complained about his psoriasis and that I was technically carrying a dead person with me and that it will problematic if I end up marrying and living with him for the rest of my life, and last but not least they pointed out what I feared from the beginnning(which I never told them about): he might be workig with one of his close friends to mess with me and drive me insane so that they can laugh at me in the end (and it's all because I work hard and do well in school and have a big goal that I set already for myself that will be hard to obtain. And similar situation did happen when my bf's close friend's brother did mess with and made fun of this one girl who had a crush on him that also went to the same middle school as my bf and I. So I understand why they are worried). My parents said that if I'm going to be blind and end up going with him they do not want me to bring him into our house to introduce him since my parents said that he will never respect they at ll and that I should not even bother with studying and going after my ambition... (rather harsh in my opinion...) [and it's true my bf said he would never get along with my parents aside from saying hi and bye because according to him they're ruining my life to the point where I'm blaming myself for everything and not letting me make my own decision since I'm already 18)-I know my parents want the best for me, but are my parents right? and what do I do about my relationship now that were "taking time off" so that we don't stress out about this? I remember him asking if I was going to be able to do things (such as dating) after I talked to my parents but I told him that I can't guarantee a definte result... (and it got me to the point where I wondered if he's just after us going out like other couples he see, going with a plan where he is trying to mess with my head now, or if it's because we never really got together with the exception for prom. the previous meetings we had were 5 min of small talk or me being under the watch of a relative, and we can't talk about or show that we are in a relationship)-My apologies to whoever has to read all this, but I really do need some advice. I really don't talk about this type of thing much cause I'm a pretty calm and quiet person who thinks positively, but now I just don't know who to listen to and which side is turning me against the other. I love my parents and my bf both. And a very big thank you to those that help me out by giving me some advise.
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a break, ambition, best friend, crush, friend's brother, liar, long distance, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to who has answered so far.
I find it weird though that after we started to have our time out my bf's close friend been acting a bit akward. He doesn't seem to wave hi when I see that he's looking at me while we are walking down the hall and also looks away when I look at him when I pass by him. I dunno if something is up or if he's aware of the situation and is upset as well.
And Aunt Honesty you are right on point about my parents not wanting me to be hurt and are trying to protect me. They told me that directly when I was talking to them. The only difference is that my parents do not want me to have a boyfriend at all.
But none the less, I will take into mind to take this time to think about it after my finals and the senior events that I need to help run is over and when he is able to sort out his own problems on his side too. My friends were thinking that it would work out if we went to same college but I'm going to end up going to a college that is two hours away from him. (though I think he was having an idea to visit me in order to spend time with me and I also had the idea to visit him. As for what will happen to us in the future we talked about but what currently is happening now is fogging up our future insight :/. From the time when I started opening up to him we both agreed that we did see this going long term.)
We are still talking like we are friends, he was thinking that I would be mad at him about this and would never talk to him again. But I'm actually not mad, sure I'm a little hurt that it came down to this, but I understood that he needs to sort things out and that I have to make a stance for myself on my decision and focus on my finals.
-Though um does anyone know if it's ok for me to still tell him "I love you" before we log off the messenger like we used to. It feels so weird to not say that and not call him by the nickname I gave him (tried that last night). and it's my first time going through something like this so yeah...
Thanks again.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Okay you need to look at this relationship logically. Do you actually see it going anywhere? Do you think it will last long term? Have you both made a plan where you can actually spend decent amount of time together? Long distance relationships only work if there is a plan or a date where you will both be in the same area again, if there is not then I really do not see this relationship working. You are quite young and this is a lot of complication for you at your age. A relationship at your age should be with someone who is in the same area as you and can spend quality time with, not over a computer.
I can see your parents worries here, and off course we are only getting one side of this story, am sure your parents would paint a very different picture. I guess they just do not want to see you hurt so they are trying to protect you, but maybe they are going a bit to far because at the end of the day you are legally an adult now and free to do what you like. However you are still living under there roof so my guess is that there rules should apply while you are living there.
So I guess really the choice is yours, stay under your parents roof and give yourself some distance from your boyfriend and concentrate on meeting people in your own area, or else if its your boyfriend you want to be with them tell him that and make plans to move closer to each other and start your life as an adult, whichever you think suits you more.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 I don't think your boyfriend is irresponsible. It was a combination of unfortunate events like his family arguing, the bus breaking down and his psoriasis. The time out is for you to figure out whether you can be true to your boyfriend without being so influenced by your parents, and also an opportunity to miss him. If you want to date him, then date him, but stop that he says she says and deal with the relationship like an adult. The control your parents have over you is like what my mom had. That was the 60's 70's. You are just dating, no one is going to say you are going to get married to your boyfriend right away. But because your parents are interfering so much and you listen to their complaints, the dating can't progress and you don't get to know your boyfriend well. Being long distance you have more doubts. Without faith this relationship can't go on. Psoriasis can seem like an innocent skin problem but it can be linked to serious autoimmune disorders which strike when life gets stressful. You have to figure out if you can accept that in a mate for life. This time out is for you to make up your mind whether you want him or not. Because if you do, it means you acknowledge what your parents say about him but at the same time stand your ground and stick with your decision.
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