A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My daughter is in a ridiculous ‘relationship’ with a man and another girl. How can I get her to see sense and realise that it will never work in a million years? It’s been going on for about 7 months now, although up until last week I thought she was just seeing this man on her own. But it turns out there is another girl involved and they are having a three-way relationship. I was absolutely perplexed by it but my daughter assures me she is happy.To be honest I was a bit sceptical in the first place about her being with him. He’s in his mid-thirties whilst my daughter is only 21 but I gave her the benefit of the doubt nonetheless and to be fair he seemed like a nice enough man with good intentions. After just 3 months together she moved into his house. I thought this was way too soon but there was little I could do to stop her. She insisted she loved him and vice versa. Because she was now living with him she decided she didn’t need to work so quit her job, which really disappointed me. He has a really well-paid job so can afford to be the sole earner and pay for everything. I actually felt a bit sorry for him because my daughter was clearly sponging off him but he didn’t seem to mind at all, I’m guessing he was just happy to have a much younger girl on his arm. In all honesty he’s hardly the best looking bloke in the world and was clearly punching above his weight.In early December I visited them both one afternoon and another young girl was there, who looked about my daughter’s age. They said she was just a friend and I thought nothing more of it. However I visited a few more times in and around Christmas and again this girl was there and she seemed very cosy with them both. At one point he even sat on the sofa and put his arm around this other girl and my daughter didn’t bat an eyelid. I talked about it with one of my friends who jokingly suggested he had them both on the go but I dismissed her completely. More fool me. On New Year ’s Eve me and my partner arranged to go out with my daughter and her boyfriend to see the fireworks in London and once again they brought the other girl along. Throughout the night my daughter and this girl were whispering and giggling to one another and seemed unusually close. Then I saw them kissing, though they didn’t see me. At midnight he kissed them both. I was just completely confused.I bottled things up for weeks but last Saturday finally managed to ask my daughter straight up what was going on and she admitted the truth; that this other girl was living with them as well and they were all in a relationship together. I was completely dumbfounded. I asked if he was sleeping with her and the other girl separately but she said they were having regular threesomes and all shared a bed most nights. She then told me she was bisexual, which I never would have thought in a million years. She admitted her and the other girl have sex on their own regularly as well, which doesn’t bother him in the slightest.I found out more about this other girl as well and she’s pretty much in the same boat as my daughter. She’s 22 and doesn’t have a job either. Their setup is basically that he goes out to work and all they have to do is keep the house tidy and they can do as they please. He showers them both with gifts all the time and they go mad with his credit cards. Call me old fashioned but I just don’t get it at all. I don’t know how or why this would ever work in the long run. The thought of my partner being with another women makes me feel sick, yet it doesn’t bother my daughter at all. She watches it happen in the flesh! What worries me the most is that she isn’t on any form of contraception at the moment. Neither is the other girl. They’re all having regular unprotected sex and it will inevitably end up with them BOTH getting pregnant by him. My daughter however isn’t really concerned about this and keeps saying whatever happens, happens.But what can I do? Morally what they’re doing is completely wrong but it’s not illegal is it? And if they’re all happy together then I can’t say anything. They are all adults after all. I just wish I could get my daughter to realise that this most definitely isn’t normal. Another thing that bugs me is that all this does is remind me of that killer Mick Philpott who had two women on the go as well. Now I’m not saying her ‘boyfriend’ is a psychopath and is going to burn their house down. He’s always seemed to be a decent, hard-working man who treats my daughter well and makes her happy. I want to say he’s controlling and a scumbag but he isn’t. People say you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors and he could be completely different but I can honestly say I haven’t had even the slightest hint that he’s ever mistreated either of them. I guess he’s living out a fantasy and is just having his cake and eating it because my daughter and this other girl are letting him. What do you all think? Have you ever heard of anything like this before? Is it doomed to fail?
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female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (12 February 2020):
 Ahhh, to be young, foxy, and stupid.
Listen, like the others, I only see two issues here. One, relationships are rocky. This may end. He could lose his job. If she can go nuts with his credit card (something he seems to consent to, and enourages?), she should use it to take some college classes. Two, unprotected sex - that's gonna mean fun time will be over REALLY QUICKLY. Kids are really gonna put a damper on the party.
As for the relationship, it sounds like youthful fun. All parties are consenting adults, who seem to be enjoying themselves very much. It also seems like a great situation - no jealousy, everyone has adequate housing and food in their bellies, bills are paid, the girls also enjoy each other... they have a sweet thing going. Why ruin a good thing?
I'm sure you did some stupid stuff when you were young, and in retrospect you may acknowledge that said things were stupid, but I'll bet they were a lot of fun then. Let them have their weird arrangement, because they all seem happy. Hopefully this will result in good memories all around, of a sexy youth and wild times.
But please, if you talk to your daughter, tell her that you respect her choices, hope that she's happy and safe, using this time to also care for herself and build a future for herself, and for the love of god to use birth control.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 February 2020):
 It’s only morally wrong by some standards. Polyamory isn’t new. It’s just as valid as any sexual preferences between consenting adults. Being gay is still considered morally wrong (and illegal) by some people!I get why you’re confused about it, but it’s what makes her happy for now. She may not expect it to last forever - it doesn’t have to, at her age. I completely agree with your concern about her having no job and unprotected sex, though!Polyamory is in the history books. It can work out IF you are a polyamorous person. At our core, we are all polyamorous, just not romantically. Almost all of us love more than one person at a time, just in different ways (partner, family, friends, etc.) and the same goes for poly people, except they can romantically love more than one person at a time.Polyamory and monogamy have been going on since the dawn of time. Being truly “old-fashioned” includes both of them, not just more recent moral views. Personally, I’m not poly and couldn’t imagine romantically loving more than one person at any one time, but that doesn’t mean it’s morally wrong to be different to me.Your daughter is being ridiculous only in that she has quit her job and is risking pregnancy. Being poly, like any other sexual preference between consenting adults, isn’t ridiculous or immoral unless you allow yourself to think it is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2020): I guess I am the different one here.Maybe it is because I have three grown children and am a grandma. Your daughters relation ship is her business.If she is happy you should be happy.All I care about is if my children are happy..I will always love them unconditionally.Who my children love or do not love never changes my love for them.The relation ship might thrive for years...and if it does I am happy for her.Real love is hard to find when you get it treasure it.Mom stop judging her or you will lose her...use your mom unconditional love and all will be well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2020): I think I am less concerned about the 3 way relationship and more concerned about the sugar daddy/baby type of relationship they all seem to have.
How sad that these girls are selling their lives so cheaply to this guy, and sad that he feels he needs to buy their love too.
There is a saying: A man is not a financial plan. They may be living the good life now, but yes eventually children are likely if there is no protection being used, and then things will stop being fun and start being more like real life. If this guy decides he does not want a permanent relationship with either your daughter or the other girl once it gets less "fun", and they get kicked out, then what? How will they support themselves, or possible children? Yes he could pay some support, but will they be able to get a job if they have no experience or skills or education?
Yikes, just yikes. I hope things work out for them all, but life will not always be this easy for them, especially if they are only developing their skills to shop and clean. ALso what is the plan if something bad happens to the breadwinner boyfriend? If he gets hurt or fired and cannot work, what do they do? Bet the girls dump him and move back in with mom & dad....
Anyway, I am sorry that I dont' think there is much you can do but express your opinion (which you have) and then leave it there for her to figure out in her own time. Be a sounding board for her and try not to be too judgemental so that she will continue to talk with you about her life. If the man and other girl are nice people other than your moral objection to their lifestyle, try to be civil with them and hopefully all will work out the way it should.
Your daughter will come around some day. It will take some time. Be patient.
Best,
R
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 February 2020):
 I have 2 grown children (son and daughter) and I would be upset if either of them was in a relationship like your daughter, so I get you OP. The problem is that she is an adult and she has the right to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants whether you like it or not. I have learned through trial and error that the more I spoke out about something the more it seemed to push my children to do exactly what I was complaining about. It doesn't matter if you know you are right children are going to do what they want and have to learn the hard way.
Your daughter is young and hey, she's living an easy life atm. I'm sure she loves it! She gets to play all day, spend money and doesn't have to worry about anything. She gets attention. She is living in the right now and isn't thinking about the future.
Honestly? There isn't much you can do. You already know this. If the man isn't being unkind to her what can be done? I'm afraid this is one of those situations where you are going to have to ride it out and hope that in the end she makes a smart choice.
This wouldn't be a situation for me at all but I too am old fashioned. To me its wrong but it isn't illegal. DO talk to her about birth control though. That's a must. She is being careless to not take precautions!
I hope it all works out. I feel for you. As one mom to another this is not the situation you wish for your child to be in.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 February 2020):
 Morally?
Yes, I would find it reprehensible. I don't think "open" relationships is ANYTHING more than an excuse for people to have sex with multiple people and not fully commit to a partner. BUT I am old-fashioned. Would I feel a little grossed out if one of MY daughters were in such an arrangement? Yes, I won't lie. I would be DISSAPOINTED that she set the bar for relationship THAT low.
HOWEVER, I think what they do (as far as relationships) is really THEIR business. IF they treat each other with love and respect WHO am I to judge? (even if I DO judge - not going to lie).
One thing I would talk to my daughter about (if any of mine ended up in such a "situation") would be about having a job. It's "nice" that he takes "care" of them financially, but WHAT happens when things go south? Will she then rush out to find another older man to "take" care of her?
And I would talk to her about GOALS in life. Career goals, life goals etc. Life can't just revolve around sex and shopping with someone else money.
And the whole unprotected sex? RIDICULOUS. I would have a talk about having a BIT more common sense about it. THIS is NOT a situation to bring in a baby. What if... He looses his job? What then?
And I might also gently point out that for a grown up she is kind of acting like a child. She moved out of your home and into another "grown up's" house who ALSO takes care of her. She is STILL the "child" in that relationship, both girls are. THAT is why he is dating 20' something year old girls. Because they haven't really found their independence.
I would have a chat and ask these questions. My daughters and I do talk openly about a lot of things so it wouldn't (I think) be an issue to talk about as long as I held back my personal opinion as much as possible but just asked and let HER explain what SHE thinks and feels.
You asked:
"How can I get her to see sense and realize that it will never work in a million years?"
YOU CAN'T.
SHE has to figure that out for herself. However hard it is to watch this train wreck, you can only guide her SO much. She has to make her own mistakes. She is 21.
"Is it doomed to fail?"
Probably. It might last a while but a SOME point there will be things that can't be "fixed" with a roll in the hay. He might find them to be too "old" and want to replace them with younger girls.
But, again, THAT is something SHE has to discover on her own.
I'm sorry. That probably wasn't much help :(
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