A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Oh boy. I have two friends that have been married for ten years. The husband has been having an affair off and on for three years with a chick he refused to ever completely sever ties with. The wife has taken off with other guys during their splits having short term relationships with them. During my visit with them over the summer the wife was just moving back in after he kicked the other girl out. She expressed to me that she wouldn't be dating around if he wasn't in love with another girl and wishes the marriage was fixed. I told her not to give him an ultimatum unless she intended to follow through with it. The past month or so I've watched them both break up on Facebook, he got back with the side piece and she got another boyfriend. Tonight he emails me to vent and I agreed to talk to her for him because he can't reach her. I also want to add that their relationship started as an affair where this wife took him from his prior wife. So the wife in this case used to be his side piece fifteen years ago. I've read a lot about affair recovery and am well educated on the matter and after talking to him for a bit he agrees to a lot of stuff. He agrees to let her vent as much as she needs while they work on the marriage, to make sure she gets any professional help she needs for her feelings and for their marriage, to relearn how to communicate their needs,he has a brand new vehicle at his house waiting for her and he's willing to completely burn the bridge with the other woman in what ever manner the wife wants. He seems pretty desperate. If I can help their marriage and encourage them both to give it one last sincere try and go about it in an educated manner I would like to do so. I used to date his cousin so I know this husband slightly like family. But because her cheating seemed more out of revenge and wasn't so much emotional attachment to the guys I slightly side with her in the back of my mind. Those are my personal bias in the matter.Is there anyone here who has gone through an affair that has gotten this messy and if so, looking back what would be the most probable way to be the middle man? I've yet to email her until I figure out what I'm going to say.I know a lot of people might tell me to stay out of it but i want to evaluate things I might be able to do before I don't do anything at all. Any advice is very appreciated
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affair, cousin, facebook, revenge Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2017): My advice? See your way out of this soap opera. This is all about karma and reaping what you sow. You're too involved in their marital-drama, and really shouldn't be in the middle.
They know what they're doing. It's how they've constructed their marriage. It's called an "open-marriage;" and they are only pretending for your benefit.
There's no miscommunication, no fragmentation of their union; and it's not just a matter of vengeance. They are swingers, and they have to offer you a feasible explanation.
They are enjoying themselves, and they have to tell you what you want to hear. They are evading yourjudgment. Those two are doing exactly what they want to do.
If you like them in your social-circle, fine. I suggest you stay out of their personal-lives.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (24 October 2017):
 It's not your marriage. It's nice that you want to help, but they are TOXIC for each other. Stay out of it; their marriage has run its course.
Distance yourself from them; you're feeding on their drama, like YouWish said. Back off and focus on yourself, not these people who should NOT be married to ANYONE, right now.
They are both cheaters who didn't respect each other or their marriage enough to leave, instead of cheat. They should NOT stay married. You need to stop getting involved in other people's lives and work on your own.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 October 2017):
 You are a drama-junkie when it comes to them. You can't be objective given your own dating history, and you're not a licensed counselor, so you don't have education qualifications to deal with their issues. What you have been doing for years is feeding off of this drama.
If you care for them, and you care about their marriage and about them as people, you will stop feeding off the drama and extricate yourself from all of this. You're doing more harm than good in the long run.
Simply put, you have a married couple who treat marriage like a throw rug to wipe their feet on. They cheat, lie, and give marriage a bad name.
The husband is a serial cheater.
The wife is a serial cheater.
It was this way before you got all into this, and it'll be that way for as long as their marriage exists without the right PROFESSIONAL counseling. You're making things worse by feeding off of the drama.
TRUE friends stay out of this stuff. TRUE friends speak hard truths, which you're doing neither. You can't help them EXCEPT by removing yourself from the equation.
I think you're addicted though, and your dealings with them feel a bit co-dependent, as if you're looking to have emotional itches of your own scratched from being involved in their intimate stuff. NOT HEALTHY for them OR you.
You also are sabotaging their recovery. Why do they need YOU to tell them to give the marriage a last go when they should know to do that in the first place?? They don't need you telling them this! They made their bed by cheating and spitting on the institution of marriage. Step back and let them sort it out.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 October 2017):
 WHY are you getting involved? And WHY are you trying to keep them together? This relationship is NEVER going to work. HE is ruled by what is in his pants, while SHE "acquired" him by having an affair and thinks she is something special and he will treat her any differently than his previous wife? Please. Really?
Sorry, I know it is not what you want to hear but, in your shoes, I would be putting my time to better use than getting involved in this disaster of a so-called "marriage".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2017): I agree that you should stay out of it.
I hope both husband and wife will finally realize their marriage/relationship is unhealthy and take a break for good!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 October 2017):
 The only piece of advice for you is to stay out of it. It's their marriage, it's their mess to clear. Never ever try to meddle or help someone else's marriage. It *does not* work. Did they take your permission to get into affairs? Did they ask for your blessings to get married? Do you know what goes on behind closed doors? Contrary to what you think, no. Why then should they involve you now and why should you speak on something which is personal to two people?
It's their marriage, their mess, their affairs. Let them take professional help to deal with things if they so require. Don't try to help others in a no-win situation and especially in a marital strife. You will only lose both your friends eventually. This is strictly the business of the two people involved. Know when and where to draw a line.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 October 2017):
 The WIFE needs counseling? Are you serious?
She cheated with this guy and later married him and then he turned out to cheat her on as well and the FIX is for her to get counseling - oh and a new car? Like she is for sale? The price of staying with a cheater is a brand new car?
Personally? If I were you? I would stay the HAY-HAY out of this mess.
What exactly can you do? Are you a marriage counselor? Do you really know all the nitty gritty here? I doubt it.
I would SUGGEST to both of them if they WANT to save this disaster of a marriage to BOTH get couples and marriage counseling. LET a professional take over.
And if I were this wife? I'd divorce him and let him have his brand new car.
And no, I'm not speaking from experience. I don't believe that a happy healthy marriage starts out with an affair. I can tell you that statistics are not in their favor either. Nor do I believe for one second that the guy won't cheat again. Either with the on/off side-chick or someone new.
If EITHER of them were MY friend(s) I would advise them to divorce and take some time to think about what went down and why. To take stock of their life. And to NOT date anyone for a while. While they figure out why cheating seems to be OK (for both of them).
Their marriage is a sham. It's dysfunctional. It is based on an affair and when it turned into a marriage reality hit them both, he chose to cheat and she chose to cheat. HOW is that fixable?
I have no doubt your heart is in the right place, but I really don't see what you can contribute other than listening to them both vent about each other, blame each other and take NO real responsibility. they are two GROWN adults who NEED to sort out their lives ON their own and/or with professional help.
I hope to goodness there are no kids in all this mess.
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