A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I’m starting to become a little bit freaked out by my partner. I just wanted to know how “normal” this was.He’s a normal man, hardworking, provides for the family, kind, caring and loving. He hasnt had many girlfriends in the past due to him always having feelings for one girl he used to live with many years ago.Just wanted to give a bit of background on their relationship-These two used to be flatmates and lived together for about 5 years. In this time he would do everything for her, drop everyone for her, he adored her. Anything she wanted he would get for her. He told her how much he liked her and asked if she wanted to be his girlfriend but she turned him down. But she would still make him cuddle her on the sofa , spoon in bed and make him give her foot massages (even though she was taken and had a boyfriend herself ). They had a very strange relationship. His friends all told him to give up on her and tried to make him see sense but he just didn’t listen. He was like a lost puppy. Fast forward many years and he’s managed to move on with me and we are happy, we have a baby on the way . She still gets in touch occasionally but he always turns her invites down now and she has taken a huge disliking to me . Says I have “changed him” and that they don’t “hang out” anymore.So to my actual question..... the last week or so, we watched a movie and in the movie the main character could hear two people having sex in another room. My partner bought up the fact that if he is alone and hears two people having sex it “puts him in the mood”. Then he said he heard his old flat mate and her boyfriend having sex once and “masturbated” over it. Also that he had heard it in a hotel too.That creeped me out... I couldn’t really talk to him the next day and he was upset that I called him a pervert. I moved on from that as I felt bad I’d upset him. He was alone for years and loved this girl so I let it go.Yesterday I had thrown some old clothes into a skip on my driveway as I have been doing some clearing out . And someone on the street had ripped open one of the bags and spread my old clothes around looking for valuables. I joked and said that I “hope there wasn’t any underwear in the bag” and that someone’s probably got my old pants or bra. Just as a joke . He got pretty angry and told me to stop talking like that. I asked why and he said that he once was drunk in the flat and took a pair or his flatmates dirty knickers and sniffed them......I didn’t even ask anymore details, just rolled my eyes . I just called him a perve again and I tried to laugh it off so I didn’t make him feel weird or stupid....but it’s seriously got to me this time. Is this normal behaviour for a man ? Or do they just not admit things ? I’ve never had a guy admit things like this to me before. I know he completely adored this girl but is this just too far? She keeps getting in touch now too, I’m heavily pregnant and I’m due any day now. She seems to know this and is asking him to go out with her to concerts and restaurants, expecting him to drop the fact I could go into labour at anytime. He keeps turning her down which is good but he’s using work as a fake excuse. I’m feeling a bit lost right now. This friendship is unsettling me. She’s engaged but wants to travel to concerts with my partner instead of her own. And gets angry and lashes out at me when he says no...
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drunk, engaged, flatmate, in the mood, move on, underwear Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2019): He is oversharing although admittedly his stories are probably common memories of many young men. Just tell him to stop oversharing about his past.
On another note, he needs to cut ties with this woman though, because that is creating all sorts of drama, and she should have NO right to him now. Hopefully he will agree to go no contact with her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019): Maybe he just feels too comfortable with you at this point in Your relationship, so he forgets that maybe you dont want to hear these things. Maybe he's not had his time with his male friends lately, and so hasn't had an outlet for his stories or thoughts. So he tells you instead, just because he is absent minded and doesnt realize you dont want to know.I've over shared like this on numerous occasions, and yes I have upset previous boyfriends with too much detail about exes or past flings. But never with intent to hurt, and never because I still had a thing for any of my exes or carried a torch for them.I just dont have that same connection between sex and emotion as others. Meaning; I dont see any harm in sharing stories. To me, sharing a story like your boyfriend did, is about the same as sharing a story about your day at the office. But I have learned that people get upset by it (for reasons unknown to me), so I just stopped. Maybe your boyfriend is the same, and he just doesnt realize you dont want to hear these things unless you tell him directly.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 January 2019):
 My advice would have been different had you not been pregnant but now that you are and about to have a baby any time, I think you should just focus on yourself and the baby. Talk to your boyfriend and tell him that his too much information policy really bothers you. How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you were telling him sexual things that you did for another guy that you were madly in love with?
Explain to him that you're about to become parents now and nothing's going to be the same anymore. The other girl needs to be out of his life for good and that if that means blocking her number, then so be it.
She is just using him because she misses the attention. She can only lash out at you in front of him if HE allows it so your boyfriend needed to have told her very firmly that she cannot and dare not speak about you like that. Anyway, there's no need for that conversation now because that would entail talking to her and right now, he needs to block any way that she can communicate with him.
All the best to you OP! I hope you have a safe delivery and a healthy baby!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019): He doesn't seem to know what's appropriate. Some details about your past are better kept in your memory. Especially how obsessed you were over someone else. I think to some degree he enjoys your jealousy.
To be honest, I also think he likes to shock you with his stories. Your reaction surprised him; because he got you angry. No one likes to be considered a perv, not even a certified deviant. He was deep in his story before he realized the X-rated content wasn't exactly what you share with your pregnant-partner; maybe with your male-buddies over a beer would be more appropriate.
Your pregnancy hormones are going to amplify your emotions; and you will be hypersensitive to just about everything for the time-being. Any other time, I think you'd roll your eyes at his sexy stories. They are just that. Stories!
He thought stories of his past love-life might be entertaining and might arouse your curiosity. His filters are a bit off. Your response snapped him out of his fantasy-state of mind; and the reality was it doesn't quite seem the same once it hits the air. It was better left a thought. He was embarrassed. It seemed different in his head. I guess you're more conservative or straight-laced than he realized.
Maybe he's testing the waters?
Now about her. She's feeding on his old obsession; because it strokes her ego. It boosts her self-esteem when it's running low on hot-air. She doesn't feel anything particularly special for him; he has a use. You're in the way of her narcissistic-supply. The guy who makes her feel special; whom now has someone to neutralize or dilute the infatuated-attraction she likes to toy with. On top of that, you're going to have his baby. That places you in the picture indefinitely. She's more threatened by you!
Constantly turning her down is a game they play. He likes being asked. He also likes to keep her pleading. Rubbing her nose in her rejection. While you're in the middle feeling insecure; and wondering when will he finally give-in and make a slip. If you know about their contact, she's no secret. That lessens the threat. He's transparent about her.
I'll be blunt. He has a commitment to you, and his family to be. It would help if he just cut all ties; because it's causing a problem in his relationship. Besides the fact it's unhealthy to feed an old obsession. Time to put aside this teenage-drama. A baby is on the way!
It just keeps it alive, and she purposely keeps his life all mixed-up. He wants to move-on, but she's like an old habit.
A wedge who doesn't like to see him happy, if she's not. He's playing two women against each other; and surfing on a fantasy of being the guy being fought-over between two females. You can't choose his friends; but you can set your boundaries. It's up you to set your own ultimatums.
Undies are not necessary all that big of a deal for most guys. They're a turn-on for some; and just underwear to others. I wouldn't make a big deal of it, but you might want to take a break about calling him a pervert. If you know it hurts his feelings; then you hypocritically turn around and complain about how he hurts yours. If you feel it's a sore subject with you, say so without adding insults. If it persists and gets to you. Again, you set your own ultimatums. As long as he's sniffing only your panties, all is well!
In my opinion, fetishes are over-rated. Most make no sense, and are better kept in your private closet or basement. Fueled mostly by the porn industry, and starting to cause a lot of relationship problems. With compromise they're tolerated; but shouldn't get in the way of your intimacy with your partner. Nor should it be forced on those who don't share the pleasure!
It's also my opinion, it's all symptomatic of an over-entitled porn-saturated male-demographic. Total bullsh*t gone over-board; because it makes cash off human-weakness. Anything goes! Not when you have kids, and your partner or spouse despises it! Then you have to curb your enthusiasm and adjust your appetites. Don't overshare, if it consistently gets you into trouble! I mean...duh!!!
You and your partner need to discuss a few areas that are off-limits or too sensitive. You don't care to discuss his fetishes; if they don't pertain to you, and positively enhance your sex-life. Bear this in-mind, you are aware; only because he's honest and forthcoming. Better than behind your back!
You should give it a rest being judgemental; and stop sharing his obsession over that old friend. She's going to get frustrated and move-on. She probably only contacts him when there's a dating-drought and she needs a boost. She gets her fix, and she's on her way. Stop letting her know she gets to you. She smells your insecurity and fear;, and that gives her narcissistic-supply. She makes you feel threatened; and that makes her feel sexy and empowered.
I think they give each other an ego-boost; but he's going to be a father soon. It's time to cut ties with his old prick-tease and heart-throb.
It might be best he got any potential temptation out of the way; before he does something he'll regret. You might convey that fact to him; and remind him that he's in a monogamous relationship. You would appreciate the support and respect you deserve. She's not going to be part of the family; and you don't appreciate the fact she disrespects you with his blessing. Time to grow-up and make a choice.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (29 January 2019):
 There is a power dynamic going on in this relationship that needs some attention. He was under her thumb for a long time. He is used to it and comfortable with her abuse. He is not successful in keeping her away. You need to step in and help.
Here are some dominant ways to break up this toxic relationship.
- copy her texts to him and email them to her fiance.
- Hang up his phone whenever she calls.
- Tell her that you are the superior woman and that he thinks she is trashy. or better get him to tell her.
- Block her on phone and social media.
- Be possessive, even jealous, and make sure he knows it.
You have replaced her in his life with a much better woman. Everyone knows it. You have the upper hand. She is just a bully used to getting her way. Don't let her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 January 2019):
 I think he is oversharing some things with you.
You really don't NEED to know that hearing HER having sex or sniffing her panties got him aroused. I mean seriously, what kind of an idiot tell his GF details like that? UNLESS he either hopes YOU find it sexy or... upsetting.
And I just don't think that many women would be over the moon hearing that their partner is into a female friend like that. But it's pretty TAME stuff. I just think he is a complete idiot for "sharing" it with you or anyone. Because HOW is that helping your relationship, that he once sniffed her panties? I mean, COME ON?!
As much as I kind would just tell him it's time to cut ties, he SEEMS to know to NOT hang out with her. So I wouldn't do that. He has distanced himself from her and continue to do so. IF he at some point "complain about her " then you can suggest, maybe just block her? Not tell him to do so but put the option forward.
How does she lash out at you when he tells her no?
Through text, social media or HIM?
If it's text or social media, JUST BLOCK HER... how hard is that? And who CARES what she thinks?
If it's through him, I'd suggest next time you you tell him to stop using YOU as an excuse to say no. And that you would really prefer if he DIDN'T talk to her about you. YOUR life is NONE of her business.
He seems like he was someone she could manipulate and boss around and well, she can't any more and it annoys her. What they had was not really a friendship. It was him worshiping her and her USING him.
So really, nothing to be impressed by.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 January 2019):
 Its a well known fetish to get aroused by hearing, seeing or even spying on someone else having sex. Its actually one of my own top three sexual fantasies. So it doesnt at all sound like its about her, to me. Its a fetish of his. And rather than being open and accepting of him, and build your relationship, you decided to shame him. Not good. Apologize and tell him this type of thing is just so new to you.
As for the undies. Yeah, people do this more often than youd guess. Again, just roll with it, stop the name calling and putting him down. Its not fun to be laughed at when you reveal truths about yourself. If you are troubled by this, ask him instead to explain his motive to you. If he was just curious or actually enjoys doing these things. In which case, sniffing dirty undies is also a well known fetish.
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