A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm struggling. The men among you might help me out...3 years ago, I discovered my boyfriend (then of 7 years) had been visiting escorts. I found this out after becoming suspicious of his behaviour and after some crafty web-history analysis, I discovered reviews he had posted on an escort website.This discovery occurred at a rather turbulent time in my life when my mother was sent to prison. I didn't feel strong enough to cope with all this alone so eventually I decided to try and work through it.The following 3 years have been okay I suppose. I don't believe he returned to form during this time. I do believe he loves me and genuinely regretted what he did. His reasons for his behaviour (porn-addiction, childhood trauma) seemed valid and he visited a counsellor for a time. For my part, I never stopped thinking about it. But life has gone on in a relatively normal fashion; we get on, we enjoy each other's company, we have fun.Recently, he has taken a promotion in work which means he lives in London during the week and comes home at weekends. I haven't checked his web-activity in years but recently his own parents have been having personal issues and his behaviour sparked suspicion. Last night, I checked his search history. Minutes after I dropped him at the airport, he used his phone to search for escort services around his London address. I don't have evidence that he went any further; just that he looked.So, I guess my question is would a man bother to search this specifically just to look or just to get some sort of fix? Or am I fool for even considering that this is harmless?We are now 10 years together and have a lot of mutual commitments. It would be incredibly difficult to end this relationship on many levels. I am considering hiring an investigator to make sure... Or should I just end it now?Any advice or accounts of similar situations would be very much appreciated. I'm feeling... well frankly I feel numb, dead inside. Not even emotional. I'm worried for my mental stability at this point.Many thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): A lot of escorts have STDs. Even if you got lucky last time and didn't get infected, you might not get so lucky this time. Please get out now. He has wasted too much of your time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): If this is the first time in 3 years that you have checked on him and straight away, you discover he is seeking out sex workers near his address. Then you have every reason to be worried. If you are living with a constant feeling of disappointment in him AND worry to the point of numbness, now might be the time to approach this problem with a PI and find out for sure what is going. Because living the way you do is no good for you and you will end up making yourself ill and for what? A sex obsessed cheat? You are worthy of so much more. I get the feeling you wont want to rely on your instincts alone in this matter because there is too much at stake to risk getting this wrong. So you will need hard evidence one way or another. If it can be proven that he is doing nothing wrong, great! You can lay the matter to rest without any drama. IF he is using sex workers, you will have proof and can either try and come to terms with it again or chose to leave him. It will be distressing for you if he is cheating but you have survived it once and will again.If you discover he is cheating again, I recommend you see a counsellor this time to help you overcome what your choice of staying with him is doing to you.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (8 January 2013):
 You shouldn't have worked through this problem the first time round.
You should've just walked away.
Don't make the same mistake again. Just end it now. He just looked? With his history? You can bet he's doing it again or planning to.
He's not thinking of you at all. You let him off before and he knows you'll let him off again.
Find another man who appreciates you and treats you right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): I think for someone like him - who did utilize prostitutes in the past, has a history of porn/sex addiction and who obviously lacks a deep respect for you; hiring an investigator is smart. However, how will hiring an investigator change the outcome? It won't end your pain.He is searching for prostitutes. Obviously for someone with his past this is a HUGE RED FLAG. Like an ex-alcoholic searching for the nearest liquor store. He's tempted. Should this not be enough of a justification to break up? The fact is, he could go to a prostitute at any time. The investigator can't be around him 365 days a year. This will be an issue in your relationship forever. It's a tough way to live. I imagine that its already affected your psyche tremendously. The odds are that YES, he is seeing or planning to see prostitutes in London. If you must, hire an investigator to prove without a doubt this to you. However, for most people what happened three years ago would have been reason enough to walk away. Catching him search for them now (without actual evidence) is most definitely sufficient information to break it off. Since you are still holding on for whatever the reason, then yes, hire the investigator.I think you do need to see a counselor. It is not healthy to be holding on to this type of man. 10 years and no marriage, had sex with multiple prostitutes and now searching for new ones... You need to learn how to become strong and independent. This type of man is not the man for you. Its not a happy way to live life - to be in such pain to the point of numbness, to be distrustful of your partner and to risk your health.Please seek a counselor to chew through all your past issues and current problem. I truly wish you all the best and happiness.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): I'm sorry for what you have been through, but I think you ought to end it.This man is making you worry for your mental health, and nobody is worth that. I like porn as much as the next man, and I'm bisexual, so twice as many people to lust after. But I am in a relationship, and I choose to remain faithful to my partner. 'Childhood trauma' is not an excuse. A lot of us have suffered such things.It is not only your mental health at stake. It is your physical health as well. Even if we assume he is using condoms, there are a host of diseases, such as herpes and genital warts (which can result in cancer for women).This is going to be really hard for you, but there is someone out there who will treat you with dignity and respect. This is not a platitude - it is true. He chooses to humiliate and disrespect you, and it's true: you cannot tell him who he engages in sex with. But you can tell him who he won't be engaging with any longer - you.Vera Pfeifer has written a great book: "How To Cope With Splitting Up". Read it - it helped me years ago and I've lent it to my sister, too. Don't delay in kicking this clown out of your life, either. There is no excuse; you don't need proof. Get rid of him today - it will hurt for a while but better that than a lifetime of misery and suspicion.Love to you xx
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A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire +, writes (7 January 2013):
 The fact that you still have the feeling or instinct that you have to catch him again isn't a positive way to carry on your relationship.The trust obviously hasn't been rebuilt from the last time you caught him and 3 years is a long time to be carrying the burden of just wondering.I'm not going to suggest ending it since you don't know what his intentions were or if he went ahead with anything, but i'm not going to encourage you to fork out money on a PI to catch him either.I think a woman's instinct is so terribly accurate at times, it's scary. If you think somethings out of place, it probably is, it's your choice to go with it or not.You're better off asking him what it's about before you use one of your stated options and go from there.http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/recovery-and-repair/rebuilding-trust.htmlThis website could be beneficial to you and your relationship if you choose to carry on regardless, the steps to rebuilding trust are actually alot more complex than "Sorry, it won't happen again" for some people, and this explains alot of it.Read it together with your partner, the repair and rebuilding is to be more understood by the person who betrayed the trust, since the responsibilty is in their hands to fix it.Good luck
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