A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm going out with a guy who describes himself as "emotionally unavailable" and doesn't want to commit to being in a relationship. He said he's not sure what it is exactly but it could be a combination of some or all of the following:-He's still in love with his ex who broke up with him last summer, but she doesn't want a relationship-He's not over the fact that it didn't work out when he did all he could -Due to another past relationship he can't trust-In terms of his career, he's still trying to find his pathOf what is listed above he's not sure exactly what though or in what combination is making him unable to commit. He's still working on it.What bugs me a little bit is that he might still be in love with his ex. I didn't say anything because I know that'll just cause a bit of trouble. And even if that is true, we still have a great time together. Him possibly still being in love with her shouldn't affect what we have. I don't want to bring it up because I know it'll only lead to him thinking about her and there's no need to bring up that negativity. It just makes me a little uneasy because I really like this guy and I feel even though we do have a great time together, if he's still in love with her we can't really go anywhere. Should I worry about this or just let it go? What should I do, if anything?
View related questions:
broke up, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): If you are looking for a committed relationship and continue to be with him, having a good time, etc...you will continue hoping he will change his mind and commit to you. He has been honest with you telling you he isn't ready to. I know it hurts, but I have been there before and it hurts more to continue the relationship, waiting for him to fall for you.
I know you don't want to, but I would tell him you would like to see other people since he isn't ready to commit. Judge the reaction you get. He will either realize how much he cares about you and show you that by committing or he will be OK with you seeing other people (which normally means he is having a good time with you but doesn't really care as much as you do).
Do you want to be with someone & wonder forever if he loves you as much as you love him? If he isn't ready to commit, there are plenty of other guys just as great as him that are ready to commit.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your help. I hope you did well on your finals :)
...............................
A
male
reader, Drmks909 +, writes (5 June 2008):
I would like to recommend a book for you to read, it completely relates to your (and my) situations..... I just finished it this evening and it blew my mind; it will absolutely give you some uncanny insight on your relationship. (I mean nail everything to a T)
"He's Scared, She's Scared"
It's available on amazon for $10.....
http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Scared-Shes-Understanding-Relationships/dp/0440506255/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1212662837&sr=8-1
I am exhausted studying for finals, but I promise I will respond to your questions in the morning..
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe haven't really been together that much because we live about 2hrs away from each other. We've actually only been out 3 times technically but each "date" has been really long, like 5hrs and we communicate a lot through e-mail. I'm going sometime soon to spend a weekend with him. My place isn't really condusive to having people stay over since I'm a student and only have a twin bed.
I actually don't know if he's seeing anyone else other than me but I kinda want to know. Is that something I can just ask him? Seeing as we aren't that serious there's always the possibility right? And because we don't see each other much I assume it's a possibility. I know he definitely doesn't have anyone he considers a "girlfriend". Like if a decent guy was to ask me out now I'd probably go out with him even though I'm kinda head over heels into this "emotionally unavailable" guy. I assume he'd do the same.
Yeah, I figure I'll just try to spend as much time with him as possible this summer. I feel really good when I'm with him I just want to spend more time with him.
Here's another thing maybe you can address. I asked him once if he "really liked me" or "kinda liked me" and he said "kinda" just because he wouldn't let himself "really" like someone since he has trust issues. That really sucks because I'm pretty sure I'm way more into him than he is with me.
...............................
A
male
reader, Drmks909 +, writes (2 June 2008):
Yeah, I completely understand what you are feeling... once again been on both sides of the coin. In my situation I was the exact same way, I treated her amazingly and spent a lot of time with her, but the emotional component was lacking. I knew it was my fault, but there wasn't much I could "do" about it without forcing myself to feel (which would have been unfair to not only myself but her as well). The good news is he sounds like he is being honest and communicating with you which is the first step to "moving forward".
Looking back on the whole thing, I feel pretty stupid because here I was with this amazing new girlfriend having the time of my life and still hung up on my past. But we all know what it is like to have blinders on to our actions, and sometimes can't see how stupid we are being (he probably could use a quick one upside the head to set him straight).
For me, in the end, it boiled down to a combination of getting closer and closer with her, having my own personal time to realize that I actually loved my life the way it was, and her being understanding that it was nothing personal I was going through something .... her being an amazing girlfriend helped a ton (I guarantee I was 1000x times worse than he is being, part of why it took so damn long).
The only cautionary flags that I would throw your way is that despite the fact the he currently cannot commit doesn't bother me, he is just attempting to avoid the title (if him and I are on the same page). Don't ask me why, we are weird like that... As long as you two are spending an appropriate amount of time together, have good lines of communication, and are being upfront and honest, then everything sounds like you are on track.
However(!), he should be committed to you in the sense that he is not sleeping or talking to any other girl in that manner. There were a few occasions were I started to get frustrated and felt like I might never come out of my shell, and that is when I started to make little comments revolving around maybe we should be able to date other people, because we were not actually together. Obvious red flag, I know, but it was more out of frustration and self-loathing than wanting to be with someone else.
So... stick it out if you dare, and only put yourself in harms way as much as you are willing to (you have to assume to decent possibility that he won't come out of it as quickly as you like or ever at all). You sound like a chill chick... Just keep having fun with him, and hope he snaps out of it soon, otherwise chalk it up to his misfortune and move on....
Good luck....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI definitely don't want to bring it up or nag him about it, I think that'd result in the wrong atmosphere. Drmks909, I think you seem to be on the same page as me having been in a similar situation.For some reason I thought that if he met a great girl, like me, he'd be able to get over his ex. Is that wrong?The thing is I don't even know if he's over his ex or not. He said he doesn't really know himself although it's a possibility. He just knows he's not ready to move forward at this time.But I am finding it so difficult to get through to him and get to know him better. I like him a lot and I think he likes me or else he wouldn't go out with me right? He treats me so well too. But at the same time, it's hard to get through to him.
...............................
A
female
reader, inneedofattention  +, writes (30 May 2008):
 ok, so you two really need to sit down and have a serious talk. Is this going to work out? are you a little bit jealous of his ex? if so why not even go and speak to his ex? maybe theres another reason she split from him, like because he acted like he is with you. I hope it all works out for you anyway.
your friend,
in need of attention.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): It makes things harder because you really like him but you deserve someone who likes you back, the same way you do. Do you really wana play second banana to his ex?
And as for being unable to commit?? It sounds as if its just a way of saying il do what i want with you with no responsibility. If he truly loves you he will commit. It doesnt matter if he has had a bad past relationship..we all have..thats why they didnt work. But if you truly love someone youl get over your insecurities to be with them.
good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, Drmks909 +, writes (30 May 2008):
I have been on both sides of this equation, and let me tell you it is not fun... When I was the emotionally unavailable one it really sucked because I really liked the girl I was with, but she wanted me to be in love with her. I couldn't really feel, b/c I had my heart broken a previous girlfriend (who I still wasn't completely over) pretty bad and didn't want to expose my emotions to anyone for the time being. She ended up sticking it out with me and over time we ended up falling head over heels for one another....
The answer here lies in what you are willing to put up with... It sounds like you have a good relationship, which the foundation for us coming out of our emotional shells, however it will not happen over night. It will takes months at the very least, and years (it took me about a year and half, and I liked this girl a ton) if you are unlucky.
The worst thing you can do is try to "nag" him about it because if he doesn't feel like he is making the decision on his own, he will invariably shrink away from you. Like I said, it is up to you whether you stick it out with him, but be prepared to give him space and time at points that you would rather not.
Good luck!
...............................
|
