A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I cheated on my boyfriend 5 months ago and told him almost immediately, but left out details as he didn't want to know them. All he knows is that I cheated on him, we didn't have sex, and it was a one-time thing. The guy I cheated with lived in my building (I'm at university, my boyfriend is still in my home town 50 miles away but we see eachother at weekends) but dropped out and moved back home 3 weeks ago.Since then my boyfriend has been moody and difficult, and I found out last weekend that it was because he had no one to be angry at anymore now the guy was out of our lives(he has always refused to be angry at me, despite my protests). We had a number of difficult and heated discussions over the weekend, including him asking me a question that had been playing on his mind since I told him about everything but had been too scared to ask. He said 'Why didn't you just cut him out of your life when you told me what was going on?' (the guy I cheated with was my friend, and I didn't find the personal strength to cut him out of my life until January)I gave him the honest answer, which was that in a moment of weakness I was seriously considering having a relationship with this other guy, purely because he acted as though he adored me and he was here while my boyfriend physically wasn't and I felt abandoned. My boyfriend accepted this answer despite me thinking he would probably dump me right there and then.Anyway, so I originally told my boyfriend that it was a one time thing when actually it happened a number of times. I want to tell him the truth this weekend when I see him, because it feels like a burden and I need to tell him so we can move on. I feel like we've worked through everything in a mature and intelligent way over the past 5 months and as a result the situation seems to have made us stronger. Judging by his reaction to what I told him last weekend, do you think he will be able to handle me telling him that it wasn't a one-time thing? Also, at least one of the times was after I had told my boyfriend what was going on, and yet I still did it. Should I tell him that too? There's so much at stake here but I hate feeling like I'm lying to him, I thought it would go away over time but it hasn't.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): I agree with TimmD.
You seem to define a "mature" reaction from your BF as whatever doesn't cost you anything. You defend your lies as keeping things "mature" in a way that I find pretty laughable. You're just manipulating the story to avoid dealing with the consequences of your actions, it's nothing more grownup than that.
You may feel it's necessary to keep him from flipping out & leaving . . . but that's the point. He has EVERY RIGHT to flip out and leave! And you don't have the right to tell any lies to try to stop him.
You owe your BF the whole truth. He doesn't owe you anything upon hearing it.
A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (26 March 2010):
 You may think you're getting through this in a mature and intelligent manner, but you are not. You are lying and keeping things from him which is childish and wrong. Your relationship is over because you keep giving him reasons not to trust you. After this weekend he's going to keep wondering "What else is she not telling me?".
Tell him the truth. ALL of it. Don't get upset or defensive when he questions you or says he doesn't believe you or even trust you. He has no reason to. If you really love him and don't want to lose him then stress that you really really screwed up, that you love him, and that you'll do everything to try to earn his trust back. Stress that you know it will take a long time to regain his trust.
As a guy I can tell you that I would dump you on the spot after hearing what you are planning on telling him this weekend. But you HAVE to tell him. If you don't then you're just proving your a a deceitful, lying person.
At this point all you can do is beg for forgiveness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): I think he'll have a breakdown.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (26 March 2010):
I think it is in the interest of both of you for you to tell the truth. It sounds like you really love him, and that he loves you. When two people love each other, they will rarely give up on that even when something like what has happened with you happens. Go for it, and I am sure once he has dealt with it, you guys will be great together. Let us know how you get on!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (26 March 2010):
 Ok, why not place yourself in your boyfriend's shoes? Would you really want to keep hearing the details about his cheating? The odds are no you wouldn't. Don't you think the guy has already heard enough? I'd venture a guess that he thinks about it and can imagine things without you going any further. Do you have any idea how much he is probably already hurting? To talk about it again and now give MORE info would be like a knife going in his heart again. Let it go, you've said enough. Unless of course you just like hurting him over and over. Do you? If not, then have some compassion for his pain and DROP IT!
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (26 March 2010):
 If you tell him more, he'll never believe that he's heard it all. Even if there was no sex, your boyfriend will be convinced there was, that there's another shoe left to drop. Only unburden yourself fully if you're prepared to lose him, because it's highly unlikely to set the stage for the two of you to move forward.
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A
female
reader, Spades +, writes (26 March 2010):
 I wouldnt tell him at all. As bad as that may sound. But in relieving that burden you would only be hurting him. He has already been hurt by this. I would leave it alone.
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A
male
reader, yenark +, writes (26 March 2010):
So..just my two cents. Never, ever tell the details. Even if he asks. You can never un-hear things. There's a thing called retroactive jealousy that's bad enough for a lot of guys that hearing details of things prior to your relationship causes pain. Telling him the details from when you violated his trust and cheated can only go badly.
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (26 March 2010):
 Why are you playing with this guy like this? Torturing him by giving him your cheating info in dribs and drabs. Come off if - you want to "unload" on him by telling him everything because you either a) want to unburden yourself because you feel guilty or b) are in need of a serious amount of attention (because he did not react with anger toward you the first time around and now you want to add more fuel to the fire). So which one is it? I think it's B.
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