A
male
age
41-50,
*enark
writes:Alright...First off I feel really stupid and emasculated to even ask this, but I think there has to be other guys in my shoes or who have been in my shoes.First off, I'm 31, male and recently divorced after being married for quite a few years. I've been with 13 or so women in my time, but only 4 of those have been relationships. Pretty much all I know of sex is with my ex-wife. Which I'm finding out was pretty boring.I currently have a girlfriend who is very uninhibited. She wants me to be really aggressive, slap her in the face, choke her, role play, etc. Anyhow, the other night -after a fair amount of drinking- I definitely did a bunch of those things. Bossed her around, told her she wasn't allowed to cum til I told her she could, slapped her (not hard), choked her (again not hard), etc. I've never done anything even close to any of that before. Actually, prior to her I've never used the word cock, pussy, or cum with a girl in bed. I was actually surprised at myself for being able to do that stuff.Anyhow, I'm struggling to be okay with this. I've always thought of sex as a loving, caring experience. When I did that stuff the other day, I felt like I was disrespecting her and treating her like a piece of meat even though she was totally into it.So, basically, after thinking through this a bit, I feel like I'm really, really uptight. I feel like I should be totally into this and ecstatic that my girlfriend is into this stuff. But, honestly, I'm a little freaked out by it. So, the questions are: who has dealt with this before? How did you work through it?And to all you guys who are gonna tell me to stop being a pussy and just do it, thanks I've told myself that already...looking for something a little more constructive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): I can understand your concerns about this type of "love making". Boys are generally taught from a very young age that hitting girls is wrong and you will be less of a man for hitting them. Civilised cultures look down apon men who abuse women. Quite rightly so. So i can understand how you might find what you are doing goes against the grain. As with any form of love making, be it a man imposing his wishes on a woman or vice versa, you dont have to participate if you dont want to. Hitting, choking and verbally abusing a woman is wrong....thats what your feelings are telling you and thats why you feel freaked out.
Most im sure, prefer love making as passionate as they can get it but without the violence. You on the other hand, have found a woman who needs the violence for her to enjoy love making. This could be a simple sexual kink. Or it could stem from something more profound. I dont know how well you know her or her past. Do you know if she was ever abused, raped or bullied? Sometimes these things can bring about this sort of sexual kink. I know this has nothing to do with your question but i wanted to high light this point, incase you are inadvertantly involving yourself in more than you realise.
If you arent totally comfortable with where shes taking you sexually, you need to tell her and reach a compromise. If you do decide to continue then chose a safe word for when things get too heated and remember its a game. Never step over the line and become too aggressive. I know a woman who, following her divorce became quite reckless with her body and indulged in this sort of "play". It ended badly when she received internal injuries, had to be hospitalized and her now ex partner was arrested.
Another young woman i know was bullied terribly at school. She grew to have very little respect for herself as she felt unworthy of it, due to bullies convincing her she was worthless. She had no respect for herself and started a relationship where aggressive sex took place. After some time the aggression wasnt kept to the bedroom anymore and the relationship ended very badly. So if you have any doubts, take your time with things. Tell her if you arent comfortable with some of her demands. Dont be goaded into anything you do not wish to do.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (26 March 2010):
 Opps.. I shouldn't know such much about this subject, now I've read the responses from the men.. :(
mmmmm... I read it in one of me romance books, pirates are always knocking around the woman before they fall in love with them.. :)
That's me story and I'm sticking to it.....
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 March 2010):
Your a little freaked out by this, because your girlfriend is a little "sex freak".. lol.. I call this advanced sexual play, she's into domination and humiliation, some women are, but it's not at all average sex play.
Your doing fine, remember she's happy the more you make her feel bad. Get her to give you a safe word, something you can use so you know when she's had enough.
Also sex is not all about her. If you do the rough stuff for her, then sometimes she must do the gentle loving thing for you. You must take turns, so both of you can be happy sexually. Thank you very much for being brave enough to come here with your concerns, and thank you very much for not looking down on this adventurous woman or thinking she's sick, but trying to pleasure her in the way she likes best.
mmmm.. sex tips, to take the pressure of you. Tie her up, blindfold her, then go off and make tea, watch football or do something else you find entertaining. This will drive her wild, and you get a break from all that hitting and cursing. Submissive s, are really great... You can strip her and get her to make dinner in the nude while you catch up on paperwork or go to sleep.. they really do love it all, but don't abuse your power. You master, she slave.. easy, but have safe word so you know when to get back to reality.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (26 March 2010):
 Well you're still fairly young, and in my 45-plus years of experience with wives and many girlfriends, I've knowingly encountered only two of the type of woman who enjoyed what I'll call "abusive' sex, even if not harmful in any way. Like previous responders, I really couldn't quite play the part, and those two girlfriends drifted away fairly quickly. I'm into more loving and caring sexual relationships, much as "C. Grant" and "PM," and I think that you'll find that most women are usually not of the type you described.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (26 March 2010):
 I can't quite give you what you're looking for -- I've never been with a woman who was into the more aggressive style of sex you're describing. And no, I'm certainly not going to suggest that there's some deficiency in your manhood that you're not totally and immediately into it with her. I'm not at all sure I could go there, either.
Look, all I've ever wanted with a partner is for her to have a good experience. I've tended to be like you -- caring, gentle, loving. On the other hand, it's a rare girl who is so willing to tell you what works for her, and that above all is the easiest approach to making it good for her.
At some point you'll have to decide if what works for her can work for *you* too, because after all it takes two to tango. There's no shame in it if her kinks aren't yours. Hell, we get questions all the time here from women who can't get into their men's kinks. Sexuality is a very delicate thing in our culture. Just because she's open and seemingly wanton does not mean that has to work for you.
It's up to you to be true to yourself. If you truly cannot accept what works for her, then no harm, no foul. Just move on.
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A
male
reader, PM +, writes (26 March 2010):
 To me, it sounds like you're experiencing a whole new side of female sexuality and experiences like this can be difficult to deal with. You're pushing the limits on what you thought was "normal" or "average" so it's pretty natural for you to be a bit freaked out or feel a bit out of your element. It's a natural reaction.
I think the first question that you should answer for yourself, is if you are willing to make this change for yourself. This is not a change that should solely be about your girlfriend, because this is a change that affects you and will be with you for the rest of your life.
If you want to make this change, then my first suggestion would be to get used to the idea that certain women are into that type of aggressive dominance. They ENJOY it. You're right in being concerned that you might be treating her badly, because some women would be turned off by it, but evidently, your girlfriend enjoys it.
Another thing you may want to try is to read up on aggressive sex and study it. Visit websites on rough sex and just learn what the appeal of it is to the woman. In most cases, the women in these situations are turned on by the their helplessness and the power that you have over them. They want to feel completely dominated. There's more to the story, but that's the main idea.
The last thing is, just to give it some time. It's a new perspective for you and it will almost certainly take some time before you're completely comfortable with it. Give yourself some time to get used to it.
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