A
female
age
30-35,
*arfunkleaj
writes:Recently, if I have been going to my friends house ( once , actually recently) my boyfriend would be like ' are you home yet? When you coming home? Please come Home' when it would be around 11 ish or so on a school night. I am 18, boyfriend 20. Last nightI went to my friends house again, and he texted me saying ' you home?' I replied not yet, and asked him how was he getting on. He would respond for an hour, then texted back the same thing ' you home yet?:(' not answering my questions. He then told me he ' doesn't like this. I amnt mad at you I just think its so late for you to be out. You need your own time and sleep. Text me when your home'. I rarely go out anymore, and if I do it seems my boyfriend doesn't like me being out. He lives an hour away from me, and only get to see him at weekend. Why is he like this? Is he concerned for my safety or what?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 well he's an hour away so he's ATTEMPTING to be controlling.
he's probably insecure and jealous.... and that's not good.
I don't see him forbidding you to do things, or requiring a check in etc... I see insecurity and jealousy...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): It's controlling OP, I think SVC may be slightly wide of the mark here.
First off you're not a child and you don't go out that often so it's not like you're some mad woman that's going to do loads of drugs or anything that will harm your health for him to be "worried". If he has absolutely no reason to worry then it's not protection it's control. And frankly OP an 18 year old staying out past bed time at a friends place is not a reason to worry, this is Ireland, not Saudi Arabia.
This is backed up by the fact that when you text him back hoping to start a bit of chat he ignored you for a whole hour only to text you back whether you were home yet. Those are not the actions of a man worried about your safety or health, those are the actions of a man pissed off because you decided to go out. OP when you worry about someone you're stuck to the phone you would jump at the chance to continue the conversation over text and would very much reply to your "how's it going?" text wouldn't you? The more you know about the situation the less worried you'd be, all you can do is think about them when worried because that's the nature of worrying.
He then acted like a rude prick by not answering any of your questions and then sent you a pissed off, emotionally blackmailing text. You need your sleep and your own time? Fuck off with that bullshit, he's fooling no one. You're 18 not 8. You hardly ever go out, if anything you need more social time and staying out late every now and again isn't going to somehow destroy you in the way he makes it sound. So he's very much a controlling dick.
You need to nip this in the bud OP. You need to straight up tell him you don't appreciate him checking up on you, that's exactly what he was doing. Tell him you already have a father you don't need another and tell him you don't believe for one second he was worried about you because you're not a child that can't handle being at a friends late.
If there were guys at your friends place or even if your friend is a guy then he very much did this out of jealousy and possession and you need to make sure he knows he cannot text you to check up on you. It's not cute, it's not a sign he cares it's a method of control OP and it's not allowed.
How can I be so sure? Simple. He was completely rude about it, including throwing it in there that he's not mad, why did he feel the need to say that? he was of course mad. That's like when you say "no offence" but you very much are going to say something offensive and you know it. You need your own time and sleep? Going home at 11.30 isn't going to destroy your life, so that's bullshit and frankly OP he's 20, he's far too young to be worried about his 18 year old girlfriend being out a little late, that's very unusual because it's just not the case. Look how he went about this is very controlling.
I have to say SVC's analogy about not eating is not the same. That's a tangible thing to worry about because perhaps SVC sometimes forgets to on behalf of being busy and things. I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate her husband messaging her to be home at a certain time and then rudely ignoring her responses and only responding to her later to see if she was home, not at all giving a shit about having chat but merely to let her know he's pissed off and wants her home. I don't think for one second she'd tolerate that kind of rude behaviour from him especially if there was no agreed upon time she said she'd be home and she was safely at a friends house and probably not even going to be out that late anyway. I do think she would call him out on that kind of behaviour and she'd be right to. You don't get to be pissy because someone doesn't do things your way OP, you just don't.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 March 2013):
my husband worries when I don't eat. He bugs me about it "did you eat yet?" "what did you eat" it seems to me he's concerned but not getting it.
Your boyfriend's only mistake is "i am mad at you"
he's not attempting to forbid you to do things, he's worried about you... whether or not he's right is not the issue.
he's worried and this is how he expresses it.
now if you say "I appreciate your concern I have it under control" and he gets all pissy,.. then it may be a problem.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 Controlling.
Very controlling. That would be too much for your own dad !, after all you are 18 , not a child, you are supposed to know that the day after you've got school and how long you can stay up without feeling rubbish in the morning.
Well, a dad may be excused for the occasional hint , to make sure you toe the line, but your 20 y.o. bf that wants this kind of control ?? Why, you aren't a juvenile delinquent with an enforced curfew !
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 March 2013):
 Controlling boyfriend = sell your soul, if you want to continue hanging out with him... Your call....
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, mooh  +, writes (11 March 2013):
I think it depends for how long you have been together. From personal experience, this tends to be controlling behavior type and even more so if your relationship is quite recent. The next step if he is indeed controlling is that he will try to make you spend less and less time with your friend. He is kind of acting as a substitute father but you guys are reaching your early twenties! At one point, the relationship may feel smothering. You are an adult: you decide until what time you see your friends and not him.
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