A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with boyfriend since 2013. We are now both in our 30s. We moved in together pretty quickly. I found out a year into the relationship that he had been lying to and had been chatting to girls online. I told him I was leaving to start my life fresh in another city. He said he didn't mean to hurt me and that he'll never do it again. He begged me for another chance so I said yes and moved to this new city together. Just a bit of background on my boyfriend: he was a complete stoner up until 25 when I met him. He had no job even though he lied and said he did. When I met him he promised to get a job which he did. He got a job in retail and quit weed. He kept that job for a year and then we moved to this new city. He managed to get a transfer to the same franchise shop in the city when we moved in 2015. He kept that job for 8 months. The last 5 years he's been in and out of jobs, only lasting two weeks at a time. So he's been unemployed for most of the 5 years. This whole time I've kept my job. Me and his family have helped him to financial survive and live in this flat with me so that we could keep this relationship. He said suffered from servere depression which has made it hard from him to work. Me and his family supported him in every way possible. Helped him see the doctor etc He also has an anger problem. He swears at me and calls me names when he gets angry. If he doesn't agree with my opinion he swears at me. He easily gets angry. When we moved to this new city, I still didn't trust him. I felt like he was still lying to me all the time. I thought I probably feel like that because he broke my trust and thought time would heal. In 2019 I had an accident which meant I had to recover at home for 2 months. He never leaves his phone anywhere. He always has his phone on him. I was lying in bed and he had left his phone in the bedroom that week I was off recovering. Something in me told me to check his phone. I checked his phone and found texts from a number but no content in the texts. I asked him about it and he went crazy at me. Shouting at me and saying that I was a psycho for not trusting him etc. Anyway the next morning I messaged the number from my phone to find out. It turns out he was messaging a transexual since 2015. I thought my boyfriend was straight. He had promised this person that he would move in with them etc. My heart was crushed. I later found out he had 60 other blocked contacts in his phone that he was messaging. When I confronted him he knew he had to tell the truth as I had evidence. He profusely apologised, he said it was his depression that made him do it and that he's not into transsexuals and that he was straight. For weeks I was tormented as to what to do but eventually I gave him another chance and told him to chance his number. He changed his number. I also said that he will have to rebuild my trust by actions and not words. I said to him that I should be allowed to look at his phone and he agreed. As months passed, he back more defensive of the cheating even though I'd find random things on his phone like a dating app or the search terms "transexual webcam. He would find a way to make me feel like I'm going crazy and that he did nothing. A few months ago he got a text on WhatsApp from someone that looked like a transexual saying "don't you love me anymore haha" .. he couldn't deny the text as it came through when we were together. He said it must be a wrong number. He got extremely angry and even threatened to leave me if I didn't believe him. Yet again I decided to let if slide. Some of these numbers are actual escorts in my city and I'm so worried that he's actually met this people and done serial stuff. The last year he has his phone on him 24/7. If I ask to see it, he gets super angry and says I'm not letting him move on from his mistakes and that if I can't trust him,I should leave. This morning I could feel that he was all anxious and fidgety and wanting to go out. I asked him what's wrong and he shouted at me saying he's tired of me asking him questions and that he's going for a walk. He went out for a few hours and he wouldn't pick up his phone when I called at one point. He then came back with red eyes and said he accidentally got sand in his eyes. I'm so upset and worried that he's cheating on me. He is making me feel like I'm going crazy and that he's done nothing but something in my gut is screaming that he is lying to me. Hes meant to start a new job on Monday. I'm worried he's not going to be able to stick in that job either. I dont feel like I can challenge him or leave without evidence. I can talk to him about it because he explodes in anger, making me feel like the bad one. I can't even see if my suspicions are true as he has his phone on him all the time. Any advice? I sometimes feel like I'm a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath and other times he is the nicest loving guy to me. I'm so confused and feel heart broken.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 January 2021):
 What is it that's keeping you in the relationship? Don't you think you've had more than enough? Don't you think you deserve better? Why are you putting yourself through this torture? What is he promising you? So you see yourself getting married to this guy and having kids with him? Someone who has a thing for transsexuals and is not to be trusted?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 January 2021):
 OP,
Why are you still with him?
He is NOT reliable, NOT contributing - financially OR emotionally...
You are his care taker and his warden.
He has all these "online pseudo relationships" because he is depressed? Seriously? No, he has them because he wants to be living in some fantasy land. My guess is he feels utterly emasculated because YOU and his MOMMY takes care of him because he can't keep a job. HE IS IN his 30!!!!
You don't NEED to challenge him or show him EVIDENCE. You know what is going on. End it and ask him to move out.
All these "pretend relationships" he has is his escapism. He is so unhappy about himself and his life that he creates a fantasy character and "dates" others and when it get a little to real he BLOCKS them.
OP, stop fooling yourself and STOP wasting your time on a this man-child. I mean, together 8 years and he has been unemployed for at least 5 of those? What do you SEE in him as a partner? He has nothing to offer but lies.
Wish him well and MOVE on.
Are you hoping to start a family? If so, do you really think HE is up for that responsibility? He can't even TRY and keep a job to help with bills... no he mooches of YOU and his family.
Wake up honey.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2021): I'm having a really tough time trying to figure-out what it is that keeps you tethered to this lying closet-case???
Is it the drama you're addicted to? There's definitely more drama than love and harmony! Your post cites one tragic incident after another.
He uses depression as an excuse for everything. Does he ever get too depressed to cheat or lie???
He has no work ethic, he hides his phone, on which you keep finding-out that he's cheating. There's really not much to say, but that it's time to kick him out and move on. The dude is into she-males. If you want a heterosexual-boyfriend, he's not your man!
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (8 January 2021):
 He is a pathological liar, he is completely incapable of telling the truth, he is using lies to cover up lies, and is manipulating you leading you to believe that its all your fault.
I'm not going to beat around the bush OP, the bottom line here is you need to leave him, and sooner rather than later.
Because you keep forgiving him after what he has done he knows damn well he can do what he like's when he likes, text who he likes, and when you question it he gets nasty, verbally abusive, and you give in.
The first time you found he was texting other people on his phone, that was the point you should have walked away.
Trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together. If there is no trust in a relationship then its doomed to fail. You have 0% trust in him, and quite rightly so. So realistically where is this relationship going to go if you continue?.
I'm sorry, but i only envisage pain and heartache if you continue with him. You need to be strong, step up to the plate and leave him. I know it will be hard, but i assure you will be glad you did a little further down the line. This gut isen't someone you want in your life.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 January 2021):
 But you HAVE found proof time and time again that your boyfriend is messing about, and yet you have chosen to forgive him and stay with him.
He can't hold down a job. He is a grown man being financially supported by others. He messages other people all the time. He has anger issues. He abuses you verbally when you question him. He sounds a real catch.
I have a question for you: is this all you think you deserve?
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