A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Okay can someone please help my confusion here please?I have been friends with a guy for over 20 years just friends as I'm married with kids and he is or I thought was gay. However a year ago this girl entered his life younger, pretty, blonde and I know him well enough to know he was pretty obsessed with her. I thought awesome he's got a new friend close by. Then a few weeks ago he let me know that she's not just a friend they are in a relationship and love each other and it has been that since they pretty much felt but they kept quite out of people's reactions ect. Now everyone knows. I am still thinking thoughWhat? I'm happy for him whoever he is with but please hear when I say he's close to 50 and spent years partying ect with men.Now out the blue settled down and it's with this girl?I asked him is he Bi, has he ever felt that way towards a girl before and he said no she's the first. Also as his friend I have asked the obvious question,yes they do have a active love life. Which he enjoys. I'm just confused how someone of our generation could have fought to be himself embrace being gay which is awsome. To then 20 years down the line say no I love this girl who's a lot younger, she's his future ect. I'd say she's 29,30 at most. So yes a good bit younger. I will support him whoever he is with but I'm just shocked and surprised and need help getting my head around it tbh. Any help would be appreciated. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2021):
My roommate in college interned for a man that identified as gay but who was married. Like in your case, he always dated men and was attracted to men but he met his wife and the rest is history. He said he never met a woman like her before and they fell in love despite his sexual orientation. She was the first and only woman he was ever with. I don’t know what their sex life was like but sometimes relationships go far beyond sex. In fact, I would say most good ones do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2021): Unless you have been fancying him for years, and were only able to accept that nothing would happen with him because he was gay,k I cannot understand why you care or why you think this is your business. Even if you did fancy him
and loved the idea of having a fling with him, perhaps imagining leaving a husband for a more exciting man, it is still none of your business. Make sure your own life is sorted. If you are in a boring marriage then what will you do about it? Forget about this "FRIEND". If he had been interested he would have made that clear years ago.
I often find that men will use excuses for why people don't want them. I can remember times when very ugly old married men made a play for me, and instead of accepting that I said no because I was happily married, or because they are sleazy, too old , married etc, they prefer to think it is because their hair is the wrong colour
(despite it being the same colour as my lovely husband`s. It sounds like you have been secretly lusting after this guy and telling yourself that the only reason nothing happens is because he is gay - so now you are annoyed you were wrong.
You seem to forget that if you were single and you were meeting lots of totally straight men they would all be entitled to say you are not their type for whatever reason suits you, there is no law that says that all men who fancy women have to go with any woman who fancies them.
I find your curiosity and nosiness disturbing, and you are not self aware or being honest about it to yourself or others.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 January 2021):
 His life his choice.
Not really any of your business to be frank.
Maybe he wants a family and kids and that IS easier with a man and a women. Otherwise, it's adoption and all that entails.
Or maybe he didn't notice women (in that way) until he met her.
If you are his friend then stop asking him questions about his sexuality, it really isn't something YOU need to know.
In short, stop being a busy body and let him have this relationship if it makes him and his woman happy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2021): You're treading on shaky ground when you are too intrusive into someone else's love-life. He may have always had an unexplored attraction to women; but has a definite or more established sexual-preference for other males. As far as women are concerned, maybe he's a late-bloomer!
This is where you should wish him well, but mind your own business. Inquiring whether they've had sex or not would be crossing the line! Don't let your curiosity get the better of you! If we all had to explain to others why we are attracted to certain people, a greater percentage of us might not have a clue why! It is what it is! The chemistry is spontaneous!
Getting "your head around it" is neither their responsibility or any obligation. Let's be honest, you're nosey, and your curiosity is killing you! This is where you learn not to create stereotypes, and/or not to draw conclusions strictly on what's visible.
Maybe you have never asked him if he was attracted to women; and he never felt it necessary to tell you. He's still attracted to men, which is a known fact. Therefore, he may be bisexual. She could also be a transgendered-female. She's just not visibly detectable.
People are apt to follow their strongest inclinations; while some other things going-on within them are never explored or exposed. Like hidden-talents or untapped-strength.
Homosexuality/bisexuality is usually suppressed or hidden out of self-protection; to avoid persecution, ostracism, or discrimination. He may have just discovered he finds himself attracted to this particular young-woman in ways he never really bothered to delve into, or never knew possible before. My only hope is that she's not some kind of novelty or experiment; or even worse, being used as a beard to prove something to somebody. If I knew him, it would be none of my business.
In any case, it's their business and it's private.
This is probably as puzzling to him as it is to you; but it's best not to meddle, no matter how tempted you are to ask what's going-on. The age-difference is inconsequential, and more than legally consensual. Sex may not be a part of it at all, but there can still be a very strong romantic-attraction between them. In time, he may share more with you. Leave it alone until such time!
The best of friends are the ones who know boundaries and limits without having to be told where they are.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (8 January 2021):
 I understand you are close friends but, with all due respect, his choice of partner is really none of your business, nor is his sexual orientation. Questioning either of these is, in my view, overstepping the boundaries of friendship. If he was your son, or your husband/partner, then that would be a different scenario. However, he is only your friend (although I suspect you may have secretly had a crush on him all these years).
There are many schools of thought surrounding sexuality. Many of them believe it is not a simple case of someone being heterosexual, gay or bi. He could mainly feel attracted towards men but the right person then came along, who happened to be a woman, and he suddenly found someone with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life.
It is good that you are happy for your friend but that does not give you the right to question his life choices. Continue being his friend, support him and wish him all the best. Hopefully he has found the right person for him. It does not matter about her gender.
...............................
|
