A
female
age
51-59,
*randrapidsgirl
writes:Hello. I'm new here :) I am pretty distraught right now. My boyfriend and I have only been dating a few months, though we've known each other about five years as friends. We were supremely happy. I have two daughters; he has a son. We are both divorced several years and were already both agreed that we wanted to marry down the line and also welcome more children, though neither of us felt we "needed" more to be happy. M doctor told me three years ago I would likely not conceive again without fertility treatments, so I thought I was starting permimenopause three weeks ago when I started having sore breasts, fatigue, and had also missed a period. We were shocked but delighted to discover I was pregnant. Our joy didn't last long, however. The first two ultrasounds showed a large sac but no fetal pole, and when my hCg levels also started to drop, we realized it was over. I began bleeding last Wednesday, and I was so distraught, not knowing how bad it would be or how long it would take, whether I would see the fetus, etc. My boyfriend was supportive but did not overly discuss it with me. He was very disappointed, but said we'd keep trying if I wanted to. On Friday he asked if my daughters and I wanted to go out of town to a resort town with him and his son, as it was his visitation weekend. I burted out "yes" without even thinking about the miscarriage. Our kids hadn't really spent time together yet, and that was my only thought; for them to be together and get to know each other. By Friday night, I was feeling dizzy and bleeding more heavily, and I told my boyfriend that I'd have to take a raincheck. He didn't ask how I was feeling or if I needed him; just said he "figured I'd freak out and blow it off." Needless to say, I was in shock and told him so. So they went out of town for the weekend, and he called a couple of times. Meanwhile I was at home on the toilet, starting really bad cramps. On Sunday, the "labor" pains started and I almost called 911. I called him but no answer, and texted him that I thought I was about to pass out from the pain. No answer. He had said he'd come over after he dropped off his son, but at 8pm he called me from his house and said that he'd gone straight home because it was so late and the traffic and weather were bad. I said it was fine because I felt better, having passed the sac and a lot of tissue that afternoon. This morning, we got into an argument over something stupid that we are working on together, and at that point I started to feel like I was really being treated like crap through this whole thing. Some background information: my boyfriend lost a dear friend in June, followed by his grandmother a few weeks later, and then, three weeks ago his sister miscarried at 5 1/2 months (I think it's actually called a stillbirth at that point). Then came our rollercoaster of emotions and eventual loss. Is my boyfriend just overwhelmed and shutting himself off? Or is he a jerk?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2012): Thank you for your replies. You all sound so right on with your answers. The way I FELT when this was happening was that it was inexcusable, atrocious behavior. But in my mind I KNEW that this was a deeply painful series of events, and that a lot was in play, including men's weird way of dealing with stuff, the fact that we have not been together long and I don't know yet how he handles situations like this, and the fact that this was an extremely hard situation in the first place. I think that if he had been anywhere but with his son I would be gone, but I decided to stick it out, with my feelers up big time, and talk to him about what has happened, in a few weeks when things have healed a little more. Unhappily, I was going to talk with him last night, but lo and behold he announced that he had been laid off! Timing not good right now, i guess :(
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): I think he was just overwhelmed with his own problems. I know it was a big thing for you, and I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage, but he has his own problems too what with so many deaths so recently on his side.
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A
female
reader, Lola333 +, writes (31 August 2012):
I can completely relate to what you are going through. I miscarried a baby at 4 months. My partner not only went to work and left me alone to deal with it myself but he told his old girlfriend that day that I had lost the baby, even though I asked him to keep it between us. He just wanted her sympathy. And yes he knew how bad it was for me when he left that day.If you told him you needed him and he went anyway, then he is a coward and a cad. If you minimized your need for him to stay home then I recommend you are more straightforward with him in the future. My guy knows now in no uncertain terms that I need him when I need him. I have no problem asking for what I need now.Be kind to yourself too and know your emotions are going to be all over the map. You just lost a baby. That is sad. He has too. certain people deal with loss by distancing themselves. I am not making excuses for him. I am just saying that you two need to talk about this.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (31 August 2012):
 This was atrocious, completely unacceptable behavior. I understand he has his own grief to process, but even your grief had to be put on hold until deal with the physical aspects of your loss. One thing that I'm not gaining from reading your entry is whether you really told him how bad, physically it was: when he said he figured you'd freak out, did you tell him what was happening to your body? Did you tell them they should go on without you? did you tell him that the pain was so severe that you may have had to go to the emergency room? I'm just not sure whether he was AWARE of how bad it was. It shouldn't matter, he should have asked, he should not have left you in this time. I am completely appalled and I would have a serious conversation about what was going on that weekend, on both your end, your reaction to his abandonment, and why it happened at all. I am so sorry for your loss and loss of support while this happened. It's the worst thing I've seen from this site in a long time.
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