A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi friends.This topic is a hard one to discuss and I hope you can all help me. I'm at a desperate point in my life now where I need answers or some advice on which way to go next.Please don't see me as weak in anyway because I am not.I've been in a relationship with my partner for 6 years. My partner has bad generalised anxiety all the traits. He has a controlling side which shows itself alot. I think he has some form of ocd given his lifestyle choices and habits.He is high maintenance and he does say so himself.So this is where my problems begin, he's always tried to change me and I have rebelled against it, he has issues with the way I look , how I wear my hair , how I dress and even my weight. I refuse to become who I am not. I don't try to change him. If someone truly loves you they don't try to change you? Should I dress the way he wants me to ? It makes me question everything about me!Whilst I've been with this man my self confidence has plummeted I've developed bad coping mechanisms. This man is needy and clingy, I love him and he does try so hard to be a good person but I'm so soft and and a bit of a push over so naturally he gets away with murder. I have two children from another relationship and all the time I feel like he thinks it's some sort of competition for my attention and he gets jealous of my kids alot and tries to tell me how to be a parent , he has no children so he has no idea what it's like to be a parent. He takes nothing to do with my children at all. He wants my attention over the dog too.Is this mental health or is it a High maintenance thing? I feel like alot of the time I have three children to look after! Then on top of all this I am his soundboard and its always the same issues. He refuses therapy of any kind saying that no one will ever understand him or his way of thinking He won't take meds from his doctors.I just don't know anymore. He yells at me alot and for silly minor things which in reality are minor but huge to him and I know that's probably verbal abuse. I cant bear the thought of him on his own though. I just don't know what to do for the best , do I stay and make it work the way I have been or somehow break away from it all.I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the road and no matter how hard I look I can't find me again, like I've been gone a long time. All the things that I used to enjoy have just become secondary to looking after this very difficult man. I hope this makes sense,I don't feel loved I feel more like a convenience. Nothing is about me it's always about him. I'm going to bed exhausted and drained if I spend any time with him. My nice nature tells me to stay and help.I know its easy to tell someone to leave but I'm not sure how to do it if I do it. Help advice please. Anyone been in a similar situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2021): You must leave him.He does not take his meds.Even if he did he might stop.Not only is he mentally ill but he has a serious problem of trying to control you which is abuse.It will get worse...that kind of stuff never gets better.And if you chose to stay and be abused you might get the door prize and have a child with serious mental illness which can be inherited. You must love yourself more because I know you can do better than this man.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2021): How on earth, and why, are you allowing someone suffering unmanaged mental-health disorder around your kids? Someone clinically-diagnosed, yet refusing treatment, and not taking his prescribed meds? He has the potential to do harm to himself, you, or the children! If that happens, child protection authorities will remove the children from such an environment. It will eventually come to someone's attention. You are describing behavior that will draw attention from relatives, neighbors, pediatricians, or teachers.
You don't trust him on his own?!! You can't trust him around you and your kids either!!!
You even talk about how he is affecting your own mental-health; and how erratic and caustic his behavior is. His condition is getting progressively worse; because he isn't following his regimen of treatment, or getting the intense therapy (therapies) his mental-disorder requires. He is essentially spirally out of control, and making you sick in the process!
If your post was being presented before a panel of psychiatrists or mental-health specialists; I'd speculate the general consensus would be that you and your children should be removed from such an environment! If you were a friend, I'd personally find you shelter; or seek intervention from his family to help you! I can't, I can only type this post in-response, with all the compassion I can muster. I feel for you, and worry about your kids!
Your own post presents a good argument for leaving; yet you say you don't know how to. The underlying-message is that you don't want to. You want a magical-solution. Self-determination is your magical-solution.
This is what you can do. You save some money; while looking for a place to stay. If your family will help you, seek and accept it! Then you give him notice, informing him that this environment is unhealthy for both you and your children (including your dog); and then you should move. If your economic-circumstances prevent you from moving; then you will have to apply to social services for financial-assistance, family-counseling, and temporary affordable-housing; until you're financially on your feet.
Other options are to have HIM move-out; or to find one of your own generous family-members with enough room to take you, and your two children, in temporarily. This often isn't an option; because many women who write DC are estranged, or distant, from their own families. Maybe because of the family's disapproval of the man they won't leave; or they have their own family-dysfunction and dissention to contend with. They'll sometimes even refuse help from family; because they don't want to listen to all the "I told you so's!" They don't like their parents' house-rules; or watching their parents gloat, after all their ignored-advice warning them about the man has finally come true! Their gloating aside, peace of mind and tranquility is worth swallowing some pride! Not to mention the safety and security of the children.
Here's my theory/prediction on what is likely to happen in the long-run; and if you don't act soon. You'll stay until you're so emotionally-damaged and psychologically-traumatized, that you won't be able to fully function. Under such extreme stress-inducing circumstances; I venture to speculate that you'll be on the brink of losing your mind, your kids, or your job. Your kids are at the very top of all your priorities. Allow them to be your motivation, inspiration, and the catalyst to take serious measures to save yourself; and to move-on from this difficult and draining situation, you feel so trapped into.
These are some of the specific excuses that are holding you back; and why you probably won't listen to any of the advice you've asked for. I've read the advice given, and they're excellent!
Allow me to address the following comments:
"This man is needy and clingy, *I love him* and he does try so hard to be a good person but *I'm so soft and and a bit of a push over* so naturally he gets away with murder."
[I've used asterisks (*) to emphasize key phrases in your comments.]
Once an OP uses the disclaimer: "I love him..." well-seasoned uncles and aunts know this means that you'll only listen to advice that doesn't suggest you leave him; or will offer you a magic-formula that will miraculously change his behavior. Even when the OP claims they don't try to change their partners. "Rescue-boyfriends" are like a chronic-illness; they just get progressively worse! Despite all your desperate efforts to cure them!
"I'm so soft and and a bit of a push over" contradicts all of the following:
"Please don't see me as weak in anyway because I am not."
(Not weak, but unwilling. You want to save him!)
"It makes me question everything about me!"
"I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the road and no matter how hard I look I can't find me again, like I've been gone a long time."
The most frustrating comment of them all, when you're trying to advise someone, is one like this:
"I cant bear the thought of him on his own though."
He is a grown-man. You are his enabler. You stand between him and the necessity to seek treatment and professional help. He isn't healthy enough to make a self-diagnosis, or make an evaluation of the state of his own mental-health. He has to hit rock-bottom; and let his own family make the decision to either institutionalize him, or urge him to get back on his treatment program. You give him your authorization to refuse treatment; and you permit him to drive you bonkers, because you won't stand-up to him. You won't turnover responsibility to his family. You haven't mentioned if you've ever sought one of them to act as a mediator, or collaborator. Anyone to intervene, and insist that he returns to treatment. He's running the show, and he's the monkey driving the bus on the winding road!
We will offer you our comfort and remote support. We will make suggestions, but it's up to you to take action. God bless and protect you and your kids!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2021): Sounds like typically abusive behaviour to me. You've already admitted that he's verbally abusive.
Being jealous of anything that takes your attention from him is an abusive tactic, hence the jealousy around your kids and the dog. Abusive people try to isolate you from other people and any other kind of support.
IMO, he's neither high maintenance, nor mentally ill as these behaviours of his are learnt abusive tactics.
As much as you might wish to stay and help, I'm here to tell you that nothing will change. He knows he's behaving badly and he chooses to do so. He's not unaware. He realises that his choices in his behaviour are wrong, but he does them to control you, to isolate you.
To tell you how to dress, what weight you should be are classic controlling tactics. Everything being about him is also classic abusive behaviour. He doesn't see you as important. HIS wishes and wants and needs are ALL that matter to him. Yours actually don't exist in his head. He is a narcissist.
Read about abuse and educate yourself about what it is you are up against. And how pointless it is for you to try to change him. Then you can, if you decide you don't want to carry on like this, start your life afresh and be HAPPY.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2021): You dont have to change for anyone ever.
Wether its a high maintence or the other way round
Hes opposite of what you are
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 December 2021):
 So basically, as I understand your post, neither of you are happy with what you have in each other, but you are adamant to stay together. I have to ask, WHY?
Sweetheart, you can't change someone unless they are in nappies (and that is a very different meaning of the word "change").
If his presence does not add good to your life, or that of your children (and even of your dog), why would you say you "love" him and want to stay with him? You admit to feeling drained when you have spent time with him. How is that beneficial to you (or your children, who rely on you, as a parent, to be there for them)?
This man is an adult. Regardless of whether he is controlling, has mental health issues or both, he refuses to get help but expects you to put up with his abusive behaviour and criticism of everything about your appearance. Is this really the best you can do? Is this what you DESERVE? I think you can do better and, most certainly, deserve better.
His mental health issues/neediness are not your problem. Your main concern should be your own mental health and that of your children, neither of which is benefiting from having this man in your life.
How do you finish things with him? Simply by telling him that his presence in your life drains you and you can no longer give him what he needs, that you both need different things, then cutting all contact. However, I doubt you will do it because you still cling to the misguided idea that, because you "love" him, you should stay and put up with his shit. One day, hopefully soon, you will open your eyes and realize this is not "love" but an obsession of some sort.
You and your children deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 December 2021):
 You keep saying you love him.
So do you love him MORe than your kids?
This sounds like a horrible situation for your kids! I mean WHAT the actual F! He thinks he is competing for your attention with your kids?! And you are OK with that? He doesn't have kids but tries to tell you how to parent, yet he wants nothing to do with the kids?
He thinks he has to compete with the frigging dog?! Seriously?!
Is he mentally ill? No one here can diagnose him. You know that. Probably a bit. ( I honestly think most people have some mental issues, some are just better at coping naturally, others need help in form of therapy and/or meds - but that is just my personal opinion.
He sounds toxic more than anything. And you keep drinking the kool-aid because you WANT a partner and you think LOVE will fix everything. It won't. You can LOVE someone and they can be absolutely WRONG for you.
He wants you to be someone else. Think about that. He wants you to look different and BE different.
You want him to get help and change too.
So you are BOTH dating someone who isn't a GOOD fit!
While I get that you think he can benefit from therapy and/or meds (and he probably can) HE isn't willing to get help. And he is hostile to the IDEA of him being mentally ill.
It's a moot point.
Yes, it's easy to say leave him or work on it. For us.
Living it is different. I get that. But you have LOST yourself. You are doing to kids a HUGE disservice dating someone like this. They WILL grow up to resent you.
If you live together YOU need to leave with the kids (unless the place is yours, then you need to break up and evict him.) which comes with a whole other set of problems.
Have a LONG think, OP.
You have spent 6 years with him and you are a mere shadow of who you used to be. These are toxic behaviors he is displaying, not "just" controlling. And this is NOT good for your kids to BE around. IT IS affecting them more than you think.
"My nice nature tells me to stay and help."
Because that is the EASY choice. You don't want to rock the boat.
And if you stay, ARE you fine with keeping living like this because HE WILL NOT change and YOUR self-worth will continue to erode and that of your children? Your kids watch ALL this dysfunction and guess what? They will carry this forward into their OWN relationships later on.
You know what to do, you are just unwilling to DO it.
I say - do it for you, and more so for your KIDS! Frig, even for the dog! It's A CHOICE to stay or go. But your KIDS have no say in all this! You are the adult. You need to shut this crap show down.
Make a plan.
1. find a place you can afford (if you live together)
2. disentangle finances.
3. ASK family and friends for help.
4. End it and GET out.
5. YOU get some therapy. Maybe even the kids too.
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A
male
reader, DarrellGood +, writes (4 December 2021):
 Firstly, no you should not change for him. I don't see any dichotomy between being high maintenance and being mentally ill to be honest, one usually follows the other.
To me, the only question that matters here, is he willing to help himself and if so what is he doing about that? It is all very well mouthing platitudes but what, concretely, is being done?
I think you need to accept you cant help him. He can help himself, with your support, but trying to be a good person probably isnt going to be enough, he needs professional help. Now, that can take a long time to get so its not a quick fix and neither of you should expect it to be. If you decide to stay and help him down that road, be aware you aint gonna see sudden effects, it could take years. So, you have to accept that as a consequence of that choice.
For me though, if he is not willing to get professional help then that is a deal breaker. His behaviour is toxic, you both know that but if hes doing nothing to change it you have to start thinking of yourself and your children and take yourself away from this. I know that is easier said than done but if he wont help himself then I am afraid that is the only way. Good luck.
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