A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:I lost my virginity to my boyfriend a few weeks ago and I feel like my Mum and Dad are ashamed of me because of it. But I don’t understand why though. I really don’t see why it’s a big deal. I’ve been with my boyfriend since June, which I know isn’t that long but the main thing is I felt ready to have sex and so did he. We used protection as well (Condoms and I’m on the implant). But my Mum and Dad both feel like I should have waited until I’m older and more mature. My Mum especially thinks that I should have saved my first time for someone I loved. But again I don’t get why the first time has to be this special, sacred moment. What is so sacred about losing your virginity? I really don't understand why it is so important. I’m still the same person before and after. But everything has changed with my Mum and Dad now. They barely even look at me when we talk and have been really distant with me.I didn’t even keep it a secret from them either. I told them I was going on the implant and when me and my boyfriend both agreed that we were ready and that he’d get some condoms for us to use I told my parents I was planning on staying over at his house with him. Their faces just dropped when I said it and they spent days trying to talk me out of it but I didn’t see why I should have. We’re both 16 so we are allowed to have sex. And I really enjoyed it as well and was really happy I’d lost my virginity safely with someone like him. His Mum and Dad have been absolutely fine, in fact they’ve been amazing. They’ve just said as long as we know about using protection they’re happy for me to stay over any time. His Dad has been really strict with him about using condoms and he does understand how important it is. But the way my parents have been acting it’s like we’ve committed a crime. We’re not even really religious so it’s not like I’m going against the beliefs of Jesus or the Bible or anything.We’re not stupid or naive enough to ever have unsafe sex and I’m not going to say that I love my boyfriend to death and we’re going to be together forever because we’ve not been going out for long but I do really like him and things have been going really well so far, so why shouldn’t that be enough to justify us having sex? I bet this is normal for most adults in relationships. Obviously Christmas is coming up but the atmosphere in my house lately has been really horrible and I don’t want it to affect our Christmas together with our other family members, especially my grandparents who have both been sick recently. They’ve also said they don’t want my boyfriend to come over to our house ever, not even for tea or basically anything that doesn’t involve us having sex, which I think is really unfair. Can someone tell me why this is all such a big deal?
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male
reader, Illinois Jack  +, writes (1 January 2022):
Sex is great when it is time for the both of you, I think most parents think their kids lose their virginity just simply so they can say they lost their virginity, and that is why your parents think it is a big deal, honestly it isn't something to brag about and discuss, they probably shouldn't even know, Are you living your life, or showing off??? I don't say that to be mean and I'm not judging, I'm just saying...Don't just do things "because," Life is long and you have LOTS of time to try all kinds of things, I promise you there is no rush
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2021): P.S.
If you were careful, always be careful!
Oh, btw, what you may not tell, or hide from your parents, may be discovered anyway; and that will make them lose trust and confidence in you.
Sneaky and dishonest teenagers are trouble; and usually end-up hurting themselves, causing pain for their family; or costing their parents money in fines or lawsuits. Two parents in the U.S. just got arrested and charged for manslaughter; because their 14 year-old son shot and killed four kids in his school. Yes, they hold responsibility for what you do! If you don't know what the big deal is; the law makes them responsible for knowing for you!
Keeping secrets about things you've done, that you shouldn't have; will come to light when something goes wrong, or somebody snitches on you! I don't agree with the advice "there are some things you don't tell your parents;" not when you're an underaged minor, still living with your parents! I don't usually disagree with advice from others; but when it comes to kids, we have to be responsible and careful with how we advise you here on DC.
Your parents will settle-down. It can't be undone; so they have no choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2021): No big deal for you, just your parents. Someday you'll have a daughter, or a son. If things don't go well after the big deed; you'll know what the big deal is all about.
What is a big deal is your whole cocky/snotty attitude about it. What if you're infected with an STD (like HIV) or get pregnant? We're always told condoms were used, you were so careful and smart; and did all the right things, and yada yada yada! Most of the time it's not true. Just said for the sake of argument. Truth be told, it was spur of the moment, done sneakily, and under pressure from your boyfriend.
Of course, his mum and dad are fine about! It would be different if he was a she!!! Teenage pregnancy is a big deal, and sexually-transmitted diseases are a big deal. Some STD's are silent and don't show symptoms for a long time; and some are incurable.
Sometimes the boy tells all his friends, and they tell all their friends. Then they tease and become disrespectful towards you. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but it's supposed to be special and private. Not just something you do, and call it no big deal. You're supposed to be mature enough to handle worse possible outcome from it.
If something as serious as SEX is "no big deal;" you've just exposed how irresponsible and immature you are about it.
What an attitude!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2021): I don't understand why you told your parents. I never told mine when I had sex, not the first time or any time after that.
Still, you can't change that now. You sound responsible and open and honest. Some people are ready at younger ages than others and as you are happy with your decision, then it sounds like you did the right thing for you. Sadly, your parents don't agree, but as you are legally old enough, it doesn't really have anything to do with them. You took precautions responsibly, so they have no worries in that area.
You will always be their little girl, no matter what age you are. They sound very protective and who can blame them, you will be with your 16 year old daughter too.
If they are being cold and distant with you, maybe suggest you spend Christmas at your boyfriend's house as his parents can accept you both had sex. Maybe this will wake your parents up and stop them passively/aggressively punishing you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2021): The deal is "Dont do it excess
Still keep it going safe you two.
And love your parents for they are beautiful!
BESTLUCK
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2021): There are certain things you don't tell your parents. You did all the right things for protection. After getting caught in the act at 18 by my girlfriend's Mom -- probably the shock of her life -- she got over it in time and yours will too. Just don't announce when you do it. Like my GF's mom said, you can't put toothpaste back in the tube, just don't get pregnant.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 December 2021):
 When you have a 16 year old daughter of your own, you will understand your parents' attitude. Until then, there is little point in trying to tell you anything because, at your age, you think you have it all figured out.
Stay safe.
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