A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a slightly odd problem relating to trying to put a relationship - and the past in general - behind me.I have a big bag of photos - both of family and my ex partner (20 years).Problem is, my Mum and Dad were abusive to me and my sister. Both parents died in poverty when we were fairly young (ie, in our 20's and 30's). Like many abusers, they mixed abuse with care and happier times. Similar situation with my ex partner and before that my ex husband ( I married very young) - real charmers and charismatic, but abusive behind the scenes. My elder sister is seriously mentally ill (since 17) and I have now cut all contact with her as I just cannot cope with being 'mother' to her - she doesn't respect any boundaries and just bleeds me dry in terms of the care she needs.From my early marriage I now have a beautiful grown up daughter. She wants pretty much nothing to do with her Dad because he never paid maintenance and made no real effort to see her. She's seen me struggle and almost have both of our lives ruined through lack of support from him, my family and my ex.In my life so far I've had few friends - all my adult life has been spent working and looking after my daughter. However, I do now have a couple of good friends I can turn to for help and a few 'mates' that I could meet for coffee or a drink or so on. My daughter lives in a city 5 hours train journey away, but we get on really well. I have a nice home that I own and I have a good job. I am really trying to move on.I honestly do not know how to face these photographs and what to do with them. I have bought about 8 big albums to put photos in. I don't have many of my original family at all. There are lots of my ex husband and daughter when younger - but most of the time back then we were living in poverty as he wouldn't work, and I get so depressed looking at where my daughter had to grow up etc. Also my ex husband's moody face in a lot of them. There are lots of my ex partner and me, and some of us as a 'family' - but these feel kind of fake, because I know behind the scenes my ex was being abusive to me.To complicate things further, my daughter, since about age 12, HATES having her photo taken and I don't have many of her and me together at any age, but since she was 12 barely any photos at all - she's now late 20's.A couple of years ago I made a real effort to organise these photos and found it overwhelming. I don't know how to confront all the pain and bad feeling they bring up but I feel, unless I do so and organise them, I can't move on. they have been sitting in this big bag for about 6 months in my living room - I got them out of the cupboard but just cannot bring myself to even look at them.Also, I don't know what photos I want in the future or how to organise them - digital media has complicated matters and I don't know whether to try to create printed photos in an album or some sort of digital media folder. It would be lovely to have photos that feel like I've set on a new path. But it really upsets me that my daughter hates having her photo taken - she screws up her face deliberately each time I try to get a photo of us together, even when I've asked really nicely and pleaded with her. I've respected her views but also recently explained it hurts me that looking back we may not have any happy, nice photos of us enjoying life. When I was younger and newly divorced. there honestly was rarely anyone around to photo just the two of us together and this makes me so sad. I want nice photos of us now to show we've moved on.Can anyone help me about how to start with all of this please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2015): Dear Female Reader AnonymousI chuckled when I read about the whole bottle of wine! And smiled a lot when I read you are getting professional photos done.It really helps me to know that someone else has been through something similar. I don't think I'll be as strong as you in being able to tackle the photos in just 1 day though. But thanks to your own advice and to those of others I am already beginning to feel like the photos are more approachable. I feel I'm developing more of a "shit happens" attitude to them, and will aim to start sorting through them this weekend.I really hope you find someone lovely in future - if that's what you want! - with a lovely family who won't be so immature and nasty to put you down so much. Thanks again for writing in, I really appreciate it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2015): I went through a similar task recently after a 19 year marriage. I realised that I had very few photos of me and 'my life' it was purely all about my ex husband and things we had done together and so it was painful to go through the albums and pull out those with or without him in. Unfortunately because of the way he treated me I cannot bear to look at him in photos. I actually sent every single one that contained him back to him.. but that is a different story. In practical terms you have some good advice already. Having a physical store and a digital store will hopefully stand the test of time and also would protect you in case any physical photos were damaged in the future - something we should all think about actually. I went through my photos in one massive go - it took a whole day and I got it over with. I cried a lot and then drank a bottle of wine (not necessarily recommended!) but it was done. It very much depends on what you have surrounding the emotion of it. As for creating new 'memories' through your photos have you thought about getting some professional studio or location photos done of yourselves? This might be just what you need to coax your daughter out of her hating having her picture taken habit? Your post caught my attention because it is the three year 'anniversary' today of when my ex husband just left without ever talking to me again. Him and his family more often than not ridiculed me for years on end about any photos with me in it- criticising something about my appearance at every chance. I grew to hate having photos taken too. Do you know what? Today - just like last year on the same day - I am having a professional studio picture taken as a treat for myself. I can use it in social media and just learn to 'see' myself differently. It is my way of celebrating a new life without all the put downs and negativity. I hope this helps - just my perspective of course - kind of wanted to say I know what you are going through and it does get easier x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 April 2015):
 You are welcome.
One thing my mom taught me, was to ALWAYS find a silver lining in negative situations. And I do.
As for organizing the work into smaller (and easy doable portions) it makes a task less daunting.
I'd also like to add that putting little notes/info on the back or with the pictures is GREAT for the future viewers. My grand-mother (my dad's mom) made excellent notes and after she passed away everyone got a digitized version of the family albums with all the notes of who is who as well, makes it easy for ME to show people who have been dead for decades to my children.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 April 2015):
 I truly do understand that looking at the photos are painful for you. I would suggest though that you not burn the photos or throw them away without using some means to save them digitally at least. It may not seem like something that you want but please consider that some family member in the future may want to know about your family.
I have absolutely no photos of my great grandmother. She was from Japan and was adopted and when she died, my grandfather burned every single photo of her and him together.He remarried and from what I understand he loved her but just didn't want to be reminded of the past. Rather selfish if you ask me. He didn't even ask anyone else if they would like the photos. She died before I was born and I have no idea what she looked like. I would give almost anything to just have one photo of her.
I agree that if you can't handle doing it, perhaps someone professional could do it for you?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (15 April 2015):
 If you own a shredder make use of it by shredding all the pics. If you don't own one go get one. They're only ten or twenty bucks.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 April 2015):
 I'd like to encourage you to have these photos archived. Scanning them yourself and adding notes would be the ideal solution. If for emotional reasons you can't do that, at least scanning them or having someone scan them would be next best. Storing them in albums and never opening them is minimum. My theory is that at some point some one will want and treasure them.
If you really feel the urge to burn them, have them scanned deliver the files to your daughter and go right ahead.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): Thanks for the replies everyone.
Honeypie I really appreciate your response. For my daughter's sake I couldn't bear to throw most of the photos away. Maybe in future I will even feel better about the past somehow and they won't have the same feeling as now.
The advice about breaking down the task and organising it is really good - I like the idea of working in this efficient way and I think I will find it therapeutic.
I also think that taking my daughter to a professional photographer might just help to change her mind about being photographed. I will ask around and see if anyone can recommend someone nice.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 April 2015):
IF you want to keep these, I would suggest you take 10 pictures a day - LOOK at each of them and commit them to a keep or burn pile. Take the week-end OFF from this so you have SOME "rest" of the pictures. When you have 100 pictures (2 weeks work) you can start adding them to a album (though you might have to re-arrange at some point but at least you get started.
Personally I'd keep ANY with my kids in them, despite who else is in the picture.
Consider this though, LOOK at how far you have come - with yourself and your daughter. Photos are nice in terms of watching (specially kids) grow - not having any GREAT pictures doesn't mean you two haven't done great together with WHAT you had.
I lost about 5 years worth of pictures of my kids and it suck, because I took MANY MANY of them - I did a lot of photoshopping and created fun pictures for them, for us, for family and all those are lost. But you know what? I remember them. And I know I can't get them back, so why cry over the spilled milk?
Maybe you could ASK your daughter to come to a professional photographer and have some fresh new mother & daughter picture done. Even if she HATES having her picture taken I'm sure you can explain why you really want a great one of you two.
My grand-mother (mom's mom) BURNED every single picture she had of my grand-father (he died of a heart attack when my mom was 5) - my mom and aunt could barely remember him and it wasn't until my grand-mother died that OTHER family members offered them pictures of my grand-father. Now HE wasn't abusive or a bad man, but SHE remarried 6 months after his death and didn't WANT any mementos of him around. What she didn't consider was that her kids, grandkids might be curious. She even did the SAME thing after husband #2 died. He again WAS A good man. I have 2 pictures of my bio grandfather and 1 of my mom's stepdad. I wish I had more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): Get rid of them all. Tear them up in and throw them away. Then buy yourself some lovely flowering plants to remind yourself how important it is to look after the beautiful things in your life right now.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 April 2015):
 Hypothetically, say you had a house fire and all the photographs were destroyed, how would you feel? Would you feel relieved that this onerous task was no longer needed?
Have you considered simply throwing the pictures away as they dredge up such unhappy memories?
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