A
female
age
41-50,
*owderedheart
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months now - and i think reality is really just hittingI used to gush about how perfect he is in every way – and I think the honeymoon is now over. One of my issues that I want to ask about, is regarding his cheapness.We have been living together for 5 months now, and in the beginning we used to go out for dinner here and there, maybe 3-4 times a week, and he would pay. They would be moderately priced meals, ranging from $10 - $20 per person.I always used to offer to pay but he wouldn’t let me. So whenever we bought groceries for the home, I would pay, I thought that would even out.Now I've realized that he hasn’t contributed at all to any home things, except things of mine he didn’t like when he moved into my place, like 1 pan, 2 pots, and sheets, anytime he wants something he will ask me to get it, even though he is the one with the car, and he goes shopping for himself, for things he needs himself, but not for us.Everything from towels, toothpaste, toilet paper, shampoo, you know, all the home stuff, I buy. And it's really starting to add up. And grocery shopping too, when he buys things, he buys a few bananas, a few oranges. Or sausages and bread that he eats. When I grocery shop, I buy the protein (he only eats organic, so it becomes expensive), and the variety of fruits and vegetables that add up. We got into a heated argument yesterday because having dinner at his parents, his father asked if we split household costs and he said, "Yup, 50/50" and I was like what???? No you don’t!We discussed it after on the ride home, and he said he pays for dinner so many times, (well, lately I have been making purchases on those online group buys, so I pay for a lot of that now, and movies, I buy at Costco, I have paid for everything at Costco)I said, well you're the man! You want to take me out to dinner, you should pay! And I said, well fine, we can go dutch from now on. But then he said he doesn’t want to be one of those couples.He has expensive monthly car expenses (mostly his fault because he has racked up a lot of tickets) and he said that that is expensive and he drives me around in it, and he doesn’t count that. I don’t drive, so I don’t drive his car, and I only go along with him if we are going out on the weekends only. Anyway, I think he is being cheap. I want to know if I am being unreasonable. I have asked him this morning to give me money for me to put in a joint account for household expenses.
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female
reader, powderedheart +, writes (28 August 2012):
powderedheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone - thanks for your advice.I have talked to him about it and letting him know this is happening.I mean yes, he pays for our dinners out most of the time, (which is happening less and less, since i am cooking, or he is so picky he will just eat whatever at home). But the household stuff he just blows through, like almost a roll of toilet paper a day, lol, a new toothbrush i gave him 2 weeks ago he just tossed. If he didnt go through everything SO FAST i think i might not have noticed his freeloading as much. But this is good, this way, all future household purchases will be together. He admits he is cheap - it's weird cus there have been times when we are out and i am buying food for myself, or coffee and he will cut in and pay for me. But i also had not been communicating about the household splitting til now.You're right - communication is the key, and he seems to been keen on this though we are working out the numbers to contribute to our joint account - that i will manager, and then i will pay household expenses with.
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (28 August 2012):
 I agree with most of the other answerers here. It is time to sit down and figure out who pays for what and how much. If you feel that you are being short changed, come up with a list of how much you are spending versus what he is contributing.
Not budget is going to come out 50-50, however, and knowing when to quibble over it and when to accept it are two different things.
Money issues definitely plague many relationships and knowing how you deal with this difficult subject will determine whether you will have success, long-term, as a couple.
Each man is different in regards to what he is willing to pay. Some men figure it is their responsibility as a man to take care of their woman. While old-fashioned, this does NOT sound like your boyfriend (there seems to be less and less men that do this these days). You may be figuring out that now that you are living with him (and he has you with all the sexual benefits), his true generosity-level is coming out.
In short, communication is key and it could be that you are getting a true taste of what your boyfriend thinks of you and the deepness of your relationship.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (27 August 2012):
 What we did in my relationship when we first lived together was to have me pay for all household items from groceries to toiletries cleaning products, etc. He paid for everything else. It was far from 50/50 but he makes about 3 times what I do. We always had planned on getting a joint account when engaged and sharing everything as I don't like splitting money and what's mine is mine mentality. I don't know if your boyfriend is being cheap. He probably just sees all the money going out for his car and going out to dinner and assumes you are spending the same and splitting costs. I think 7 months in is a little soon to go to the bank and set up a joint account so how about you sit down with him and write all of your expenses. Both of your expenses. Then divy up what is fair for what you each make versus what will be what you are responsible. For example one always pays for groceries, the other always pays for dinner out. It is a relationship so thinking you are buying HIS meat shouldn't be a thought. And if he pays for your cell phone bill that's fine too, you are living together and even if the money isnt in an official joint account you can still think of it that way, as the money being both of yours. When you are as serious as getting married you could set up a joint account and none of this will matter.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (27 August 2012):
 He is being a freeloader, not quite the same as cheap. I find the easiest way to ensure everyone is being fair is for the two of you to set up a joint account and each of you puts the same percentage of your salary into it. That money can go to rent, groceries, eating out, utilities, joint things. No using it for individual things. And insisting on only eating organic, that's an individual thing that he should probably pay for, or at least pay you some extra for it. My boyfriend is a vegetarian and I'm not so I pay for meat products separately. The percentage thing is so that whoever is making more money is paying more, but each of you is affected by it the same. It wouldn't really make sense if one of you was making half what the other was to be paying the exact same amount for things.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 August 2012):
 Time to sit down and make a budget, stop "talking" about how much each contribute and figure out the costs and split it in half (though I would say his car/car insurance/gas are his bill) you cell phone is yours, his cell phone is his.
Food should be 50/50, electric bill, cable, house phone, rent, utilities and so forth.
Work it out.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 August 2012):
 you live together.
in my opinion any couple that lives together needs to have budget.
in my opinion if you are close enough to live together you are close enough to combine all your funds. what's mine is yours what's yours is mine and everything gets paid out of the household account....
when i say "let's go out for dinner" we joke that it's my treat but it's our joint credit card....
his income (less than mine) is my income and my income (more than his) is his income...
there is no "he pays for dinner so I pay for groceries
sounds like you two jumped into playing house without giving it a lot of thought on how it would roll....
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