A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I was having some issues with my bf because of his ex and his friendship and working with her. Anyway he swore to me that although he did really like her, they didn't really have a great relationship, that they didn't have a connection like we do and when it ended he wasn't surprised , even though he wad upset for a bit. She broke up with him. Anyway, I was worried about his feelings for her, not that he would cheat but that he may have had a thing for her still because he was unneccessarily friendly and just some other stuff. But here's the thing, I only noticed that on his Facebook status back when they were dating his relationship status was 'married' to her. They only dated for 7 months. That's not what really bothered me even though I have to wonder about how strong their feelings for each other really were.The thing is, after they broke up he didn't change his status to single from married for almost 5 months after ! ? What would you think about that? I asked him and he said that Facebook statuses are stupid and that it was silly that he knew they weren't going anywhere, that it was a joke. He said he didn't use Facebook much and that's why he never changed it. I think he said he wasn't sure how too. But could see he had used it in that time often and I also think that after someone breaks up with you one of the first things you would do when on FB is change your status? What do you think? I think he's lying to play down his feelings for her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): I know its all about trust in the end. Knowing and experiencing everything you have. And knowing that he knows how you feel now and to admit to any of that might mean losing you. How do you trust what is him being honest or him lying, him telling you what you want to hear deep down because his only other choice is to lose you. What if you're wrong, what if you're right.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): Hi chigirl, Im very grateful for your replies, its good to talk to someone about it. I understand what you're saying and I must say most of it is what I keep going back and over in my own head. I know that most people still feel for their exes after a break up, its impossible not to, eventhough when I have spoken to him he swears that he didn't and then another time says he can't remember, then for awhile but not when he met me. I know most likely he did because most people do. But it bothers me about how he lied because its like he knew his actions with respect to her when he met me were wronoug but he still did them. I remember really talking to hum about how I felt very early in our relationship, just months in, and he could see how upset I was and I asked him about stuff and his worst problem is that he doesn't say much, he didn't do a good job of consoling me. He also has a terrible memory, so I can't remember features a lot and he gets frustrated. But the thing is after he still spoke to her as he had before, he still went on lunch occasionally with her (I only found that out recently , he says another guy at work would ask him if he wanted to go on lunch with him every now and then and sometimes she'd be there too because the other workmate was goof friends with her too) he never mentioned it once to me that first year we were tgether, that she was ever on lunch with him, not once and we would txt while he was on lunch or id ask about his day and lunch etc... Anyway there are a lot more little bits and pieces, plenty more lies to add to it. But when you say , what if he did like her , what then ? Well that's why all of this hurts so much. Because to me, having feelings for an ex after break up is natural. But when its been 7mths to a year since I feel by then if there's still lingering feelings its because that ordinary means way too much to them. And to be in a relationship after that time and act as he has, if its because of feelings for her then it feels and pretty much shows that his feelings for me weren't all that strong, eventhough hes said different. And that behaviour is something that lasted about 2 of the years weve been together. And she only left work 5/6months ago. I know what we have is great but I can't deal with the possibility that our relationship was built on that , to think that his heart wasn't fully mine until a certain point, that he didn't feel like I did when we met, that I wasn't the only girl he could see or needed. Because if itt was like that then in my heart that's not love. You eituher want that one person when you meet and are together, at first at least, or what's the point. You know what I mean don't you? When you meet and r eally like someone and they're all you can think about and want. If that part of the relationship includes another person then its just wrong. :-(
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 December 2011):
 I know that feeling! You feel this way because of things he did and lies he told at the very beginning of the relationship. At the beginning is where the trust is being build, and the foundations are set for the relationship. To have a crack in the foundation at the very beginning will cause for a rocky and unsteady relationship later on, because these cracks are slooooow to fix. So maybe he did like her back then. Ok, what then? Dump him? How do you know for sure he did like her and would have been with her still if she hadn't dumped him? And does it really matter if he'd have been with her still, for some reason he wasn't with her... and at some point you just got to accept reality: he was single when you met him, and for whatever reason he was single, but no reason changes the fact that he was indeed single.
Usually you wouldn't go prying into who ended what and who was most hurt and who would have wanted to be with them anyways if they hadn't been dumped. Being the dumped one doesn't always mean you'd have wanted to stay with that person no matter what. I've been dumped, and I've dumped too, but being dumped doesn't mean I'd want to re-enter a relationship with that person. Most times both people know things aren't working, and it's just a matter of who speaks up about it first. So you can guess and guess at the reasons for why they broke up and whether or not there were lingering feelings, but you can't ever know for sure.
But then again, you wouldn't have wondered about this hadn't he been acting the way he did. So maybe he did still have feelings for her, most people DO still feel for their exes after a breakup. Otherwise a breakup wouldn't ever hurt anyone of us. It takes time for those emotions to fade. And maybe he was, like I said, insensitive and not as tactful and discrete as he should have been.
But he doesn't talk to her now. It's been 3 years. 3 years where, well, he must have done something right to make you feel loved and wanted otherwise you wouldn't have still been there with him, would you?
Maybe he would have still been with her if she hadn't dumped him. Maybe this, maybe that. The thought that he "should", as somehow be destined, to be with someone else can cause you many worries. But for some reason it didn't happen that way. Does that mean that what you and him have together is fake in any way? Or wasn't supposed to be? Do you think he just settled with you when he couldn't get his "first choice"? How do you know this other woman, regardless of his feelings for her, truly would be someone he could be happy with? You don't. And neither does he. What he does know is that what he and she had is over, and that he has you now. And I think THAT is what he thinks about now: your relationship with him, and not the ex.
I've been in a worse situation than this, sort of, where I was in a brief relationship with a man who I suspected still had feelings for, not his ex, but the girl he was madly in love with for years before he and I became a couple. They had never gone out, she knew of his feelings, but was in another relationship and I suppose not interested in him that way. Yet, it made me crazy wondering "what if what if", what if she wasn't in a relationship, would he and her be happy together then? Would his feelings for her have been stronger? Would they have been happier together? Was I just a substitute since he couldn't have her? I wouldn't have wondered about any of this if it wasn't for him often talking about her, her texting him all the time and flirting with him, her telling me how much she missed him after he got with me, him telling me how crazy he had been about her and how much he had loved her... He shouldn't have ever told me, and he didn't mean to compare what he felt for me with what he felt for her, yet things came out that way. Things he had done for her despite not being in a relationship with her, that he wouldn't do for me etc.
The thought is painful. It still hurts if Im having a bad day, because it sucks to love someone and feel like you come second. But you know that you're not second, you know that they HAD a relationship, and it didn't work! They don't even speak any longer (my ex was friends with this girl and they spoke almost every day...), and he's been with you for 3 years to prove his dedication to YOU. My ex and I were, like I said, only in a brief relationship. So all in all, your situation feels a lot more secure than mine did back then.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Thanks everyone. I'm not sure about anything anymore. I love him to bits and i know that. He loves me I know that. We've been together for more than 3yrs and we live together. He doesn't have anymore contact with her because she doesn't work there anymore. What really bothers me is deep down I really felt like he did still like her when I came along and I can understand that that happens, but for him to still act as he did towards her while being with me and lie to me when I asked him without judgment just to be honey with me. It all just makes me feel that he did still have feelings for her as a lot of shunned lovers do and that our relationship wasnt what I thought it was when we met and for the first year or so, I don't know how to feel about that, because I love him and don't want to be without him. But I know that the thought that there wadls another girl that he had already been with that he held onto what he could of her, that I wasn't enough, that I didn't have that effect on him. It just makes me feel horrible. I'm left with the thought that, had she not broke it off, he would happily have stayed with her. It's all well and good talking about looking to the future and ' he's with you now' but what if that's only because she doesn't want him, not because he wants you so bad.?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 December 2011):
I remember your post from earlier, about the perfume. Seems like this keeps adding up, little things here and there. But like I also remember saying, these things aren't really "proof" of anything, other than perhaps him not being sensitive to your delicate feelings. Everyone can get extra sensitive when something gets rubbed the wrong way. But that doesn't have to mean he still loves her or cares for her, what I actually think is happening is that his actions make you concerned, and with actions I mean the lying and the lack of understanding for your feelings or other things he does. You are then looking for a reason behind this behaviour, and the logical reason would be that he is still in love with his ex. But I think the truth is more simple: he is plain insensitive to certain things, because they don't matter to him so he thinks they wont matter to anyone else. He didn't care that his status on facebook was set to married, and so he wouldn't understand why anyone else would care either. Him being insensitive to the perfume matter, and other things he probably does, is a negative trait of his... But doesn't necessarily mean he still has feelings for the ex. In other words, I don't think he loves the ex still, but he does show insensitivity and lack of honesty and openness, which are troublesome in themselves.
Example: a liar is a liar no matter if he has anything to hide. I once dated a liar, and while I don't think he ever cheated or had left over feelings for an ex, he would still lie about stupid stuff that he should have just been honest about (the cost of tickets or groceries, clothing, money in general). The truth wouldn't have been bad. But he lied none the less, not to cover up something really, but just because that was his personality I guess? Who knows.
How long have you been together? Is lying to you and causing you to feel insecure worth it? Take the ex out of the picture and look at his actions here. Look to yourself as well. Do you have a history with being insecure or not trusting your previous partners? Or is this the first time you feel insecure about an ex and your partner? Are your hurt feelings a result from his insensitivity and lack of empathy and understanding of your feelings, perhaps he doesn't make you feel loved and valued in the relationship? Could it be that he just doesn't have a character/personality you are able to live with?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 Facebook by itself means nothing... pictures.. well I have pictures of my ex on facebook wtih me... and I kept my first wedding album (mostly for my kids in case they ever care about it).... my fiance has a perfume he loves women to wear that came with him when we moved in together... his ex from years ago wore it... I put it on for him now and then, not that it makes him think of her but he likes the scent...
the issue is not the things he does, the issue is that these things MAKE YOU FEEL BAD. they make you insecure and nervous... and as Cerberus said... these are the issues you have to watch... not the THINGS but his behavior and HOW YOU FEEL... we don't listen to our heads and our guts enough... we like to let our hearts lead... I'm guilty of this now... and I get this... totally
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 Social networking, facebook, twitter, these things don't really do justice to one's personal life. He didnt change his status probably because he wasn't even thinking about it and also, there is a deluge of "comments" after status changes, maybe he didn't want to deal with that. Who knows?
I know that no one really likes it if their partner has a past, but its something that most of us have to accept. You too have to realize that his feelings wont just vanish, and while they dont really matter to him in the least now, they will be stored away as memories, gradually fading away with time.
As far as texting her and going to lunch with her, I agree its a little worrying for you, especially after he told you that they didnt have a great relationship, but isn't that what most people say after a break up? "Oh it wasnt that great/ it didnt even hurt me that much/ it wasnt even a proper relationship/ I dont even know why we were together/ I never had that connection with her that you and me have".
Ya right!
Anyway, forget all this OP, concentrate on the present and the future. Whatever he had with her, its over now and you are with him and that's what matters. The FB thing doesnt matter in the least. Demi Moore still hasn't changed her name on Twitter and anyone who's not living under a rock knows she isnt Mrs Kutcher anymore. How does it even matter!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Just to add, if this feeling just won't go away. If this is a deep down gut feeling you have then something is definitely up and you're not crazy.Trust your gut OP. So yeah, give it a bit more time, be cautious and wary, and just see what happens. You need something more concrete before you make any big decisions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): The Facebook thing means nothing, I have two friends who are apparently lesbians in a civil union, but they're actually raging heterosexuals.You know when I read your question I was like "is she mad? she doesn't get the whole stupid relationship status is funny and cute (apparently) thing?"But in your follow up you give some more little glimpses of behaviour that lead me to believe you may well have a point and this whole facebook thing is only bothering you because it's one of the many little signs that is tangible and real. Well OP saved pictures would mean nothing except he lied, the perfume added to that makes it worse. The regular meetings and yes even the status all screams he's still far too attached to her or they might mean nothing and he only lied because he knows you're insecure about her. Honestly maybe Chigirl is right and you're seeing signs that don't mean anything, adding them all up into a picture of him being still in love with her. It's hard to say though OP, he could well have feelings for her still.For the moment try and let this go. You do not have firm proof he does have feelings for her so give him the benefit of the doubt until something more concrete presents itself. Let that thing find you, don't go looking for trouble or you will find it when it wasn't even there to begin with. Give it a bit more time and relax.
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A
female
reader, bitch please +, writes (30 December 2011):
 Omg! What a dick! Ive been in that situation and you just need to leave him, he could be using you!! Thats just dumb!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Hey thanks for the replies.
I know Facebook isn't a serious thing, I don't it with much regard myself. I just know sometimes people, especially when in relationships might like to use it to display affection and stuff publicly. It's just, even if she added him as married and he accepted and it was just for fun sake. What gets me is that - he never changed his FB status for 5 whole monthsafter she broke up with him. She also moved onto another guy but he was single all that time, used Facebook and kept her as married to him on his status.
Also I didn't look back that far, he uses Facebook now but I think not as often as he used to so there wasn't that much to go back over. Also I was looking back on messages that we had exchanged when we first met cause I'm a soppy thing like that :-) you can imagine how much a downer finding that was :-(
Can I ask about some other stuff?
He also had some pictures of her saved and lied about them. Also his fav perfume, she wore occasionally but he lied at first and said she didn't but after admitted she did but said it didn't remind him of her and that's why he lied, cause id think it did. He also would still text her and go on lunch with her at work.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 December 2011):
I think if he has feelings for her he'd not show it by having his status set as married to her... I mean what message does that send out? Not much. He is right, facebook IS stupid, and it's just a status update... It wasn't serious, and most guys truly DON'T feel as passionate about facebook as others (in particular teenage girls). They don't have a need to use facebook as the medium for their feelings or thoughts, because they live in the REAL WORLD, and not on facebook. So if they in real life are broken up then his facebook status doesn't matter at all. And if they were never married, yet his status was set to married, that just goes to show how LITTLE he cares about facebook.
You said you'd think most people would hurry to facebook first thing after breaking up to change the status.. no. Most people wouldn't hurry to update facebook about significant changes in their lives, and certainly the people who don't take facebook seriously wouldn't rush there to update a thing.
This doesn't say anything about his feelings for anyone, this only says something about his concern with facebook, and YOUR concern with facebook. Facebook isn't the law you know, whatever statuses people put on there isn't always the truth and nothing but the truth... And you shouldn't read this much into it. You shouldn't be reading back to his ancient statuses either, how much time did you spend going through all of that to find this status?
If you have concerns about his feelings towards his ex you need to look elsewhere, because this says nothing. But "whoever searches will find", and if you are convinced he still cares for her you will read evidence into everything.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 December 2011):
 One of the first things a woman would do would be to remove the status from facebook, along with all happy statuses, references, pictures, etc. We would ensure our nearest and dearest and the man on the moon were aware there had been a split and the happy relationship was no more.
Many men wouldnt see that as a priority ... and if you have been making an 'issue' of it he may simply be being pig headed. He may not see it as a big deal.
Point out how insecure and unhappy his actions are making you feel, and if he doesnt change it decide if he is the one for you or if you should be looking elsewhere for a relationship where you feel secure and valued.
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