A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey I was wondering about boyfriends being considerate.If they don't appear to be considerate 100% of the time, is that them not realising they need to show it, or is it because they don't care? I feel my bf has only been showing it 40% of the time.I recently discussed a few issues with him recently, I told him when he does certain things it hurts my feelings. Which I feel could be easily interpreted as not bothered. But he tells me he does really care and would do anything for me and looks me straight in the eye when he does. But things he does isn't showing me that. It knocked my trust for him in a big way.I talked it through with him, told him what causes me to be upset, and he said he is willing to fix those. So it is now a waiting game - Im wondering if those doubts, trust will come back, if he shows it over time.I said im not going to whine about them, ive told you and dont want to go over it again. and he said understood. He said fine and knows it wont be fixed over night it'll take him time to show it.He says the right things, so thats why I'm giving him this chance. It's the first time I have told him how he upsets me. So i feel he deserves a chance. But I worry that if hes being inconsiderate because he doesnt care, im being told bull crap. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (22 May 2012):
 I meant to add that hopefully your boyfriend is one of those who is able to make a permanent improvement in the way he treats you.
As you said, give him a month and see what happens. You should have more of an idea by then. If no improvement and you're not happy, then move on!
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (22 May 2012):
Regarding your question it's really a mixed bag sometimes.
All of us - not just men - can almost inadvertently be inconsiderate when we're preoccupied with something troublesome - or even overwhelmed with something good that has happened to us, and we are so full of it, bubbling over, that we may not realize the other person isn't exactly sharing our joy - or our worry/upset if the preoccupation is with something bad that has occurred.
Some people are more considerate and aware of others around them and they make it a point to be courteous (courtesy is often what it comes down to, really, and is in any case meant to smooth the way people interact with each other - whether it's with one other person, or a whole lot of others).
Can someome who's thoughtless and inconsiderate learn to be more aware of what those around him/her are thinking, and feeling? Yes, if he/she is willing to realize he's not so nice a person as she thinks she is - this often occurs when someone has been offended and consequently reads that person the riot act! (Calls him on it).
Then there are those individuals who just don't plain give a damn about anybody else. They want what they want, when and how they want it. Doesn't matter what anyone else's feelings, ideas, or plans are. Yes, they may get confronted over and over by a person who is angry and thoroughly fed up - but the result is - nothing. No impression. Like water running off a duck's back.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo.... I don't think I am demanding - I give him lots of space, Its a case of I want to know if he is thinking about me when I am not around. He doesn't show that. And sometimes doesn't really check if I am ok when I am with him around friends, just leaves me to it and doesn't appreciate I am tired when I say I am at 3 in the morning. He does do things, but just sometimes I feel he is not always considerate - and I wonder if thats because some days he can't be bothered. If he doesnt care then I'm happy to move on. But he says he does and sounds like he means it and I want to believe him and give him a chance. I will need to give him about 4 weeks to test it out. But I'm just upset I feel like I have to point out the obvious. But perhaps its obvious to me and not to him...Hence my question - do guys who act inconsiderate do it because they don't care, or its usually a case of not realising?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): or maybe you're being too demanding and it is you who needs to compromise a little not demand that he do things your way all the time?
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (22 May 2012):
Oops - sorry didn't mean to send the post twice! One last comment: remember that "actions speak louder than words"
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (22 May 2012):
What stands out to me in your message, OP is that when you told him specific things about his behavior that upset you and the effect it has on you, one of his responses was that although he said he understood and was "willing" to fix it" (by the way, how about "I'm GOING to fix it" as opposed to being willing to do so?) he also said he "knows it won't be fixed overnight and it'll take him time to show it."
My point is: just how MUCH time does he need? Anyway, WHY NOT overnight? If he is now aware of behaviors you find objectionable what does he need in order to stop doing it?
I'd say give him a couple of weeks and see if there is any improvement over that period. If there is, and you judge that he's demonstrating some real progress, you might want to continue seeing him, but see how it goes. Watch whether the improvement continues and he doesn't fall back into bad habits ORon the other hand if he improves for a short time, but then backslides.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (22 May 2012):
What stands out to me in your message, OP is that when you told him specific things about his behavior that upset you and the effect it has on you, one of his responses was that although he said he understood and was "willing" to fix it" (by the way, how about "I'm GOING to fix it" as opposed to being willing to do so?) he also said he "knows it won't be fixed overnight and it'll take him time to show it."
My point is: just how MUCH time does he need? Anyway, WHY NOT overnight? If he is now aware of behaviors you find objectionable what does he need in order to stop doing it?
I'd say give him a couple of weeks and see if there is any improvement over that period. If there is, and you judge that he's demonstrating some real progress, you might want to continue seeing him, but see how it goes. Watch whether the improvement continues and he doesn't fall back into bad habits ORon the other hand if he improves for a short time, but then backslides.
...............................
|
