A
female
age
41-50,
*mKat
writes:So, I have been dating my boyfriend for a couple of months and I am thinking he is gay. (My gay-dar is perked, my friends think he is gay, and the sex thing...he loses his erection, can't come, and seems to prefer doing it from behind- just certain things that make me wonder) Not just gay but conservative Christian, had some childhood play with his friends, got caught by his father (this part he told me), then was so severely punished and "reprogrammed" in the way of their particular "Christian" ethic that he completely denied his gayness. I have been afraid to really get to the bottom of this with him, knowing that if he is in such denial and with his very strong faith, this topic is extremely sensitive and needs to be approached just so. I am seeking advice on how to get to the root of this...I have never actually interacted with someone who would deny their true selves in such a way based on religious fears, so I am at a total loss.
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female
reader, Lilli b  +, writes (28 September 2007):
 I am assuming that when your boyfriend spoke about his 're-programming' at the hands of his father that his words didn't include that he denied his 'gayness'. This isn't easy as some of the things you describe certainly sounds as if he may be denying his sexuality but equally could be the result of pretty harsh conditioning in childhood. His loss of erection and inability to reach orgasm may be due to his sexuality or a strong belief system drummed into him that it is wrong to be having sex for pleasure rather than for reproductive purposes.
Preferring to have sex 'from behind' can be linked to this but it can also be part of a very normal and healthy heterosexual sex life.
You speak of your 'gay-dar' which in any other circumstances would be called instinct - I think you need to listen to it but don't worry about what others think as they are not in the relationship.
I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about this. You don't necessarily have to wade in with a suggestion that he might be gay but you can discuss issues around your sex life. Tell him that you feel upset or undesirable for him because he finds it difficult to sustain an erection and climax and you want to understand how he feels. This approach can start the discussion and you can direct it a little by asking him whether he is attracted to you sexually and possibly make it more general (which famous people / film stars does he fancy?). Make sure he is reassured at the start - when you bring it up and ask him what the problem is tell him that you won't judge him and will support him and help him no matter what it is - don't offer anything you are not prepared to follow through as it would make it difficult for him to trust you and others.
Ultimately you can't force him to tell you whether he is denying his sexuality or even if there is another problem - he may just clam up but you need to decide (before you even start) what you want to achieve with talking. You need to decide whether you want to continue with an unsatisfactory sexual relationship with this boyfriend whether he admits to being gay or not. If he is unable to unwilling to explore where the problem lies, your relationship and presumably your suspicions on his denial will continue and will make it difficult to continue and build a trusting respectful relationship.
So talk to him, don't force him to confront things but be clear about what your objectives are when you start.
Good luck
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 September 2007):
 you know, I don't know how to handle this. the questions you must be thinking. one idea came to mind. get a naughty movie and watch it with him as a couple. most people joke about how funny the actors are in what they do, watch his reaction, does he react more to the male sexuality or the female.
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