A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 8mths who I live with, has been asked to go to a 30th birthday party. He asked me to go with him, and I said yes. It was a Facebook group invite and I have since seen that his ex (who broke his heart ) is invited. He has been checking the event quite a bit to see who has accepted the invite as he says they are all old friends. He also mentioned that he will be in great shape when the time comes to see all his old friends. (He has been working out properly for a couple of months). I'm paranoid! Does he keep checking that his ex is going to be there? I asked him to delete her as a friend off Facebook as I felt bothered that he sometimes looked at her profile. Do you think he is still into her? They broke up over two years ago and were not together for all that long. He is a logical kinda guy and says that he does not want to be with someone who treated him shit. But I'm jealous that he's still not over her! :-(
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (10 May 2013):
 There is absolutely nothing that would indicate he is still into her. It is quite simple - if he still liked her and wanted her back he would not have invited you.
Ok so he has been working out and he will feel good knowing his ex is going to see him looking good - but he will be looking good with you on his arm showing her how happy he is now and how good things are for him. Its not a case of wanting her back, its a case of showing off a bit and showing her that she hasnt ruined his life.
I'm sure if you bumped into an ex you would want to look your best right? Its a natural feeling, we all do it even if we dont like to admit it! It just means we want to show we are happy and have moved on, and life is better without them.
This idea of checking the event page on Facebook to look at her doesnt make sense, as soon as he saw she was attending there is nothing new for her to add to that page. She is either attending or not, no further information would have been given on that page so checking it frequently wouldnt change anything in relation to her. I would be happy to believe that he is just looking to see what other friends are going - it sounds like it is a bit of a reunion and he is interested to see which of his old friends are coming that he wont have seen in a while. That is a very viable reason!
They havent been together in 2 years, he is not speaking to her nor is she a friend on facebook. He is not giving you any reason not to trust him, you are just being very irrational and silly about this. Give yourself a slap (not literally but you know what I mean!) and snap out of it - enjoy the party and enjoy knowing your boyfriend wants to show the world how happy you are together. She is not important in any of this and you need to forget about it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): Your boyfriend broke-up with his ex two years ago. He has moved on (for the most part) and he has proven that by focusing on improving himself, and bringing you into his life. Perhaps there is some residual feeling of loss for someone he once cared for. That is normal. He wants some measure of closure by allowing her to see he is doing fine and he has someone new. Being rejected by his ex may have made him feel inadequate in some way. It's a man thing.
To each and everyone of us, comes that first love that tears apart when they go. We "think" we'll never get over them.
I understand your feeling of jealousy. It might do you more good to be supportive and allow him this small indulgence. You can do that by looking your best. Don't get clingy or nag him right now. In fact, you should be showing how secure and sure of yourself you are. In spite of what you may be thinking.
He should have unfriended her long ago, to allow himself to fully heal. He may feel he has to prove something. He has probably read her updates; because that's what many people do who didn't totally heal from a bad breakup.
They want to know if their ex had any real feelings for them. If she suffered as he did. It was painful to give love and have it wasted on someone who didn't care. His ex is over him. She let two years pass by and she hasn't taken him back. You have no need to worry as far as she is concerned. She is done with him.
In this case, in a very gentle way, you may ask him why he has not unfriended his ex? That makes you feel "slightly" uncomfortable. Tell him you will help him to forget whatever bad feelings he may still feel because of her. Then leave it alone. The last thing you want to do is open that wound. You will regret it. NO WHINING!!! Drop the subject entirely. You may be wrong.
He doesn't need an insecure woman in his life right now. If you ever loved anyone before him. You didn't totally delete them from memory. You still feel a tingle of pain in your heart when you think of him. So have some empathy, don't be selfish. He chose you; because he thinks you have everything he wanted that she didn't have. Now's your chance to prove that.
He will find that the best way to get over someone is to break all contact, cut all ties, and to remove yourself from that source of pain. Each time he looks at her Facebook page, he revisits that grief. He may not have fully gotten over the "loss" and pain of the breakup. That doesn't mean he wants her back. He thinks showing her what she gave up will bring him that final closure. He's seeking revenge for his pain by making her feel jealous.
Not just her, he wants all to see.
For the day of the party, get your hair done. Wear your sexiest outfit. Put on those heels that make your legs look like they go on forever. Show every body-curve nature gave you.(Look sexy, not slutty!) Let him know he found the girl of his dreams and he can fully move on; because the one who broke his heart is gone for good. Give him the love that she wasn't able to give him. You're his new woman. She'll be green with envy to see how well he is doing. She has been replaced and someone loves him. Display your confidence. Radiate! Be classy.
The truth is; he has started a new beginning. His closure will come when he lets go of the past. He doesn't really have to prove anything to her. He has to prove to himself that what she thinks and feels doesn't matter anymore. He has to let go of that baggage, and turn all of his attention to his new relationship. Time to let go of that obsession.
You can't change a person's inner-most feelings. They are buried deep inside. You only see the surface. You have been in this man's life for only 8 months; so you are starting from a new place. Learn to trust him, and get to know who he really is. Show him your strength. Be an independent woman, who knows who she is and what she wants. This is what you have to offer him. Don't give his ex any power over you. You fill that place in his heart that she left empty. Don't mess it up by being an immature jealous little girlfriend. Be a woman. Strong, mysterious, and beautiful from the inside out.
She's the one who is supposed to be jealous, not you!
The day after the party, ask him to show you that he is able to move on and to heal by unfriending her from Facebook. He will probably do it voluntarily anyway.
Tell him that he is only hurting himself by watching her getting on without him. If he wants that pain to truly go away. He has to make her disappear, once and for all. You are there to show him what he was missing with her.
Never bring her up again. Either of you.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (10 May 2013):
 It's also possible that he wants to show her what she lost. I haven't seen any of my exes since things ended but I know that if I had an opportunity to see them I would, not because I'm not over them but because I AM over them.
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