A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello Dearcupid,I have come to see what is a major reoccurring issue for me in my relationships with men.1) I base my self-worth on a man's approval.For example, I just broke it off with a guy who I was clearly not emotionally compatible with. But, I am stuck on this fantasy where he realizes that I am worth him changing for because I am such a damn catch. It's as if he doesn't come back and "fight for me," that I feel I am not good enough. Mind you, I don't really want to get back with him, but I want him to want me so I can want myself. Pretty twisted, eh. 2) I want to control men.It has been a struggle not to call him and say: "Why aren't you fighting for me?" and to say "You did A,B,C wrong and you should be doing A,B,C instead." In other words, I will try to make him change and try to manipulate him to do so. Obviously, it's much more subtle than the example above, but this is basically what I have done in the past and am resisting to repeat. I need help. I intellectual understand, but emotional there is a huge lag. I am still waiting for this guy I just broke it off with to be waiting at the doorstep with roses and candy, even though I know it's over. And I know it's not going to happen, but my heart keeps interjecting that it may. I feel like I am worth "fighting for," but I get stuck on why he isn't instead of emotionally understanding that it has nothing to do with me, just not in the cards. Any suggestions on how to change this? I get it intellectually as I mentioned before, but what I want is help trying to get over this issue on a deeper level. Anyone overcome this issue? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2013): I am quite similar as you. I started seeking therapy. I gained a much better understanding of the deeper stuff. It usually traces back to your personal experiences and family background. The scenarios might be different. But I get into this push/pull thing in my relationships with men. The more I want them to chase, the more they distant and pull back. It just becomes this vicious cycle that can get unhealthy. I'm not sure how much time you give each other before the next call. I used to be really bad at this. During conflicts, I get anxious and I would call and say similar things as what you say. It's what I struggle with the most. But I eventually learned to give my partner time. It's a really tough process but who says relationships are easy. Try to use this time to focus on yourself. Take a bath, go for a run, treat yourself to a spa treatment. Then the next thing you know, he'll be calling you and treating you dinner. I used to do these mind games. Then I realized men are quite simple and straightforward in the way they communicate. That's why he's not coming back with roses. It's not that you're not important. He's probably hurt. I would recommend seeking therapy. It will help you sort out the deeper issues in a validating and accepting way and you'll soon find yourself developing meaningful relationships.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): I read what Tisha said in a recent post to a guy who was overly concerned with what people thought, so that it was controlling his life. She recommended he read a book on her profile. Well, I have a problem with needing adoration from men, which has led me into a series of totally unsuitable relationships that once in, I could not let go of. Same each time, they drag on and on. I've wasted years repeating the same pattern. Eve.n though I know what I'm doing, I just do it again! So I went and looked at the books she suggested.
The one I looked up is The Untethered Soul. Oh. My. God. I'm half way through and it's really hitting home.
I think if you are at the point where you know you are causing your own suffering, and it's time for it to end, then this book is filled to overflowing with ways to help you.
A couple of quotes:
'Do not doubt your ability to remove the root cause of the disturbance inside of you. It really can go away.'
'The prerequisite to true freedom is to decide that you do not want to suffer anymore.'
It sounds like you at this stage. Get the book. It's really helping me and I'm sure that once I've finished I'll read it again and again. And again! I believe I will overcome this, and feel genuine hope.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, myboyfriendsacnt  +, writes (10 May 2013):
I'm in the same place as you... Although I have trouble getting out of bad relationships. Weird!! I know I'm worth more & know whats morally right.. Just mentally im not all there & pretty sure i need councelIing.... It seems that After a period of time in a relationship / More so if I feel hurt it's like inside I want to bring my other half down.. Maybe so that he feels my pain too?!. I'll privateley assess every action that's made, wether it's him falling asleep after oral & not returning or him going out for drinks... I'll think about all options.. How should I react to that to come out on top?! I get that relationships should b about bringing out the best in each other but if I've been scorned in a bad way in a relationship then i have a constant battle with evil bitch in me... I keep her at bay and control her so my other half doesn't know how messed up I feel sometimes... But I guess she's there. Just a shame I can't walk away & I worry I'll always be like this. Bah!!!!!
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