A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:First off, please do not judge my situation. I am involved in a moral and emotional dilemma and am seeking whole-hearted answers, not judgments. I have been involved with a MM for over 6 months. We have known each other for over a year; we work together. I was infatuated with him from the first day he began working at my location but never professed my feelings; I was married and so was he. 6 months ago we had to travel together on business and I told him how I felt. He felt the same. In the interim, we fell in love. Although he has been married for 27 years, he felt that there was something missing from his life. He had never fathomed that he would do something like this (have an affair) and realizes that I'm his missing 'link' - and I felt the same. After we were together, I realized that there was a lot missing from my own life as well and when I returned from the trip, I realized that I could not be with my husband and so I got a divorce (btw, no kids). I realized that I should not have married him in the first place since I wasn't truly, genuinely happy, although there was nothing wrong with our relationship, I just wasn't happy - didn't feel fulfilled. I felt that we weren't right for each other although we had the same goals. For the first time in my life, I feel 'at home' and fulfilled with the MM. He married very, very young because his wife was pregnant and it was the right thing to do. He has raised his 2 children and they are now out of the house and on their own. Had he met me earlier in life, he said that there's no doubt that he would marry me now, and wishes he wasn’t married. The wife found out about us and he told her he would not remain in contact with me (he felt horrible about her finding out). Of course, he did not abide by this. When she has her weak moments, she reminds him of his vows and that she trusted him to make a life for them. Had these break-downs and crying not occurred, he would have already left. He has a tremendous amount of guilt. To the root of this post: He is deeply religious and knows what he is doing is wrong in the way of the Lord and his vows he made when he was 18. He has not asked for forgiveness yet, since he knows that he wants to spend the rest of our lives together. He will ask for forgiveness then, when that happens. We want to raise a family together and he has put a lot of things into action. He will be transferring overseas, in a few months for 3 years and has been planning for me to go with him so we can raise a family. He has told his wife that he wants a separation tour (and then he’ll deal with everything from there). She won’t have it; she doesn’t understand what is so wrong in their marriage. She has told him NO, and that she will be going with him. She has no idea that I am still a part of the picture. I do not have a religious background although I am traveling down that road, with guidance from him, to understand his struggles and find some missing links in my own life (I always wished I had that background and stability). Since we come from two different backgrounds, we have been learning about each other and understanding each others' philosophies in life. He has been open to my own philosophy of living life - you get one shot at life and you must be happy. I have been open to understanding his struggles of, ‘it doesn't matter if you are happy, you stick to your vows because it's 'not about you.' This obviously, is a fight for me to understand that people can dissociate themselves from 'life' and ‘finding happiness.’ When we're together, there's so much fun, and laughter so hard we're in tears. When he speaks of his vows and his life with his wife, it’s very robotic and not the man I know… it’s strange. There is no doubt about our love for each other; it's one that everyone seeks but most don't find during their lives. We consider ourselves extremely lucky to have this connection. We have been trying to get pregnant (have had a miscarriage) so that his walking out would not be about him, it would be about our baby and he wouldn't have to answer to anyone. While I disagree with this approach, I am understanding that this is the way he wants to handle it. In his eyes, it seems less selfish and rather than it be about him, it’s about the life of our unborn child. It kills me to see how torn he is; I love him and don’t want to see him go through this pain and struggle. I have been so tempted to let him go just so he doesn’t have this pain but I can’t seem to do so because it seems unfathomable that two people who love each other they way we do, shouldn’t be together. He told me that if it was just about his wife, he would have already left. Instead, it is about his vows and that is what is difficult for him to leave, his promises. This is difficult for me to understand, not being from a religious background. How does one stay in a marriage if their heart isn’t in it? My question is this: do the religious forgo their own happiness in order to simply fulfill their vows, even if it wasn't by choice (in his case, a pregnancy)? If so, how do you live your lives knowing that there is something else you desire? Does God truly accept living in unhappiness? Does God excuse that the marriage occurred because of a pregnancy and not because someone truly desired to be with the person they married? Does God accept that someone’s heart is not in it (the marriage or relationship)?I simply need help in understanding his struggles and fears of what others would think of him if he just 'walked out.' Is life all about religion, or is it about being happy and feeling fulfilled. Only serious answers please… your answers will help me along my own path of finding religion. I just need help in understanding this discrepancy between his vows/religion and happiness/fulfillment in life.
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female
reader, kittikat +, writes (30 November 2008):
 Hi, I've been off of this site for many many months- had a few huge life changes! Just curious to know how your situation is going? Any updates? I'm glad that I helped, even if just a little bit.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (16 June 2008):
 You are trying to get off the hook (justify) an incredible amount of inappropriate behavior on your part as well as you MM. The hypocrisy about trying to go down the road of religion for yourself and your MM not asking for forgiveness until later is interesting. In other words, he can make all the inappropriate choices he chooses now because he has his ace in the hole. He'll just repent at a later date. That is convenient.
You see, you can paint the picture any way you choose but it is still a stinky situation that you're in. The only reason you're in it is because you both acted inappropriately. There is no mistake about that. You were involved in something that was wrong. The truth is there are other men out there who you could be just as happy with. The idea is though, you're not supposed to get that close to them to find out. That is where you two crossed the line. Maybe neither of you were happy at home but it's not religion that is a problem here. It's lack of integrity.
The bible mentions about building your house on solid ground as opposed to sand. You're in very sandy soil. Every thing your religious MM is doing is contrary to biblical teachings.
Your MM vows were by choice, followed by 27 years of marriage. The act of premarital sex was also by choice. By the way, he managed to have another child with his wife along the way. Who forced him to do that? He's also having unprotected, premarital sex with you. What does the bible say about that?
If you read your first reply you'll see why you sound hypocritical. People sure have a way of twisting the facts. You seem to think I'm harsh. I'm only harsh when people give themselves too much wiggle room.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, it's about time I posted a response. I promised that I would provide a response to each one of you. I thank you for taking the time to write to my first post, whether your response was good or bad. It is late at night (or early in the morning). So I doubt I will get to everyone tonight. However, I will be responding to each of you, and to be fair, in the order received. Response to xJoanneyx:if he loves you so much he would leave his wife. god will judge you accordinglyYou're absolutely right; I agree with you. There is no doubt that he loves me. He has agreed that God will judge him based on his decision.... we shall see what happens. Response to eddie:I worked hard on my post to try to portray the true anguish that we both feel with our situation. I'm sorry if you feel that it is 'all about me' - and I feel that if you had read closely you would see that this situation is not all about me. Rather, I am trying to understand his struggles. You neglected to mention that I too, was married and had taken vows. I never thought that I would divorce. I think in some situations, love can make us do strange things, and this situation is no exception. Your claim that I am trying to get off the hook....off the hook for what, I wonder? My question clearly stated that I was seeking an understanding as to how the religious live their lives, from another person's perspective so that I may gain a better understanding. There is no hook to get off of, for I am not on any hook. I do recognize that we are doing something wrong in the perspective of the Bible, of which I have little understanding (hence the reason for my posting to begin with). Our situation is not wrong in the language of love, in my eyes. I disagree with your assessment that I don't care for anyone but myself... I am prepared to let him go so that he doesn't have these struggles. I am prepared to leave the one man I have truly loved because I simply don't want to see him hurt. I do hope that he will have the strength to do things in the correct order, it is what I desire. But as I told him, what I desire isn't necessarily what he desires. In other words, I know what I would "like" him to do. I know what I would prefer him to do (leave and be with me), but I made it very clear to him that only he can answer this. Only he can determine (if he wants to be with me) how to handle his wife. I didn't stick my nose anywhere. I told someone how I felt about him. He felt the same. Bottom line. There's no muddying. I am disappointed in your post and lack of guidance / insight. My response to kittikat:You are amazing. Your post hit the nail on the head on so many points and I agree with everything you have said. The only argument I have with your post is that my MM does take me very seriously. As I stated in my original post, my MM knows what he desires but simply can't take action because of his vows. He feels an obligation, even if he married so young (at 17) - which I can't even fathom. But you bring up the very point that he is struggling with... that "divorce is something that people should turn to every time something goes wrong..." this is one of the very things he's struggling with.... there is nothing 'wrong' with his marriage. It's simply.... a partnership and on autopilot. Imagine marrying because you got someone pregnant. No chance to date, to 'choose' the person you want to be with. A lot of things you and I have probably taken for granted in life (dating, fun times, high school stuff, etc). He has not had any of that and was a dad right out of HS. I too was raised that marriage was sacred (my mom and dad are still together). However, most people are able to date and choose to spend the rest of their lives together because they're in love, they have found their 'second / better' half, because they simply can't imagine their lives without this other person. I was not raised to understand how a marriage begins out of responsibility, or obligation, that a child is on the way and thus ... well.. marriage 'occurs' as a result, which is what happened to my MM. I do know that he loves her, not with the love that I recognize, and certainly not the love that he and I have. He loves her only because it is all he has known, and it was just automatic since she was the mother of his children (his words). I would never deny him of this love for his current wife. And.. you're right, it is sad that incompatible people end up together. They're definitely incompatible. The only reason he has stayed with her is because of his vows and promises he has made (when he was 17). In his eyes, nothing is really 'wrong' with their marriage. They don't argue or fight... they just live together and fulfill their vows. There is no passion (personality differences) and well... it's just "content."I agree that his wanting to have a child with me is strange. It was odd to me as well but I had chalked it up to this was the way for him to deal with his hang ups and issues about leaving. Because I left my husband for him the way I knew it was best for me, I felt that he must need to do the same but in the manner that was best for him. I have no problem bringing a child into this world with him... I'm ready to be a mom and to spend the rest of my life with him. But you do bring up a point which I hadn't thought of... and he probably hasn't either. Yes, you would think that God would know his plans (even though he knows his plans, he can't seem to take action). I have told him that if he truly wants to be with me, that he needs to "man up" and take control of his life, and his actions. I have told him that based on my research (and he agreed) that he will be forgiven for his actions. I have given him an ultimatim tonight and he must decide by tomorrow AM, what he will do. No matter what he decides (to be with me or without me), I will support him. I just don't want him hurting and struggling. I am prepared to let him go and be in peace (yes, I love him that much to just let him go). I don't like to see him in pain. And to answer your question, he is Methodist. Kittikat, I want to express my appreciation for your heart-felt, logical, devils-advocate response. I knew that I would receive some negative responses and was prepared for it. It was your response that allowed me to ponder and give him an ultimatum (and let him go). I thank you for this, from the bottom of my heart - Thank You. All - i must get up for work in a few hours. I will respond to the rest of the posts soon.
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A
male
reader, caveman16 +, writes (9 June 2008):
I just wish to say " Hi " to both of you . I'm not much of nothing but I've seen many unhappy people in my years. Much of this "unhappiness" was due to well meaning people of all walks , including pastors and ministers. After reading some responces - - - It really "throws me for a flip" when the answer to both of your problems can be found in the Bible. Don't ever think that what you both are facing hasn't happened many times before throughout history. I can't help but think that much of the "advice" you're receiving is tainted by the many different beliefs about what God has outlined in His word and being mixed-up in "mans' " laws.
Has anyone mentioned the word "concubine" to you "guys" ? I would ask you to look-up that word in the Bible, God has much to say about it but "people" that has made "mans' " laws has not said a word concerning it because of several reasons, one being that "it" is just not acceptable in our age[time] . Because it not being acceptable there is no relief valve so to speak for the men. It's in the Bible [put there by my God for a reason] Also I would suggest that you write the word "concubine and another word mistress" in Google and click go and study and compare them both while following the Bible on that topic. Before doing any of that, ASK God in prayer to help you understand His will. He has said that He will do this if ASKED - - - THAT's A PROMISE from God. Also - - - when you ask Him to forgive you , believe it and stop carrying the guilt [baggage] around. And when you think you have sinned again - - - - again ask for forgivness and study more always asking Him for guidness and help.
It is no sin to be tempted [Christ was in all manner and never sinned] He knows we all make mistakes, sometimes GREAT BIG MISTAKES, don't let them get you down , just keep trying to do better the next time. Being happy takes a lot of hard work most of the time and well worth it. Here's wishing that all turns out alright for everyone. [caveman]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, I have received an incredible amount of feedback. I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the thoughts and time to respond to my post. I do appreciate it. I would like to ponder some of the responses I have received and respond to each, accordingly. You have all given me some outsider and unbiased thoughts and I will ensure that I take some time to think about what each of you have written. There are some negative and hurtful comments and I was fully prepared for that. I wasn't, however, prepared for the heartfelt and sensitive and understanding comments I have received and they have put me on a different level and a different mindset (thank you).
Please give me some time to respond and repost. Again, thank you all for giving my situation consideration.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (25 May 2008):
 “We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.
We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.
We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God.
We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.”
2 Corinthians 4:8–9
What gives the Christian this kind of resilience?
It’s right here in this passage: “never abandoned by God.”
Because his presence is ever with us, no matter what we go through, it can never crush us.
We have a hidden reserve of strength that faith activates.
When we trust God’s presence with us, he shifts our
perspective from the present to the eternal (see verses 16–18).
Gaining this perspective is like improving bitter fruit with
a teaspoon of honey, transforming it into something you can swallow.
What lingers is the sweetness of a hope that strengthens .
From
TodayChristianwomen's.com
This is the heart of the Christian beliefs.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (25 May 2008):
In the 2 Samuel 11, King David saw Bathsheba and committed adultery with her.She later became pregnant .
King David send her husband to the front lines to have him killed in order to marry her and to cover up his crime.
You cannot hide from God. He was forgiven but his first son died.She give birth to a second son , Solomon.
Even when king David make a vow, he broke it and he was forgiven by God.
Thus, if you have made a vow and broke it,
God understands as we are only human.
God can forgive King David .
That is why blind faith is wrong.
If you know the truth , the truth will set you free.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): Hi, I believe can offer you a fairly non-judgmental answer, at least I try. I am becoming religious, do constantly have moral dilemmas, AND have cheated before on my partner (that's before me becoming religious) so I can relate to what MM is going through. I want to let you know what I think MM might be going through without telling you what to believe in ("happiness vs. God" as you put it).
Brief explanation about the religion: Being religious does not mean the person have strong faith. Falling short on faith God is not uncommon among some Christians. If MM had strong faith, he would not even begin having an affair with you. Christians believe that their primary purpose in live is to follow God's will, to celebrate His glory, and one's careers, relationships, happiness, personal fulfillment, etc. come second. It doesn't mean that God doesn't want you to have these good things, but you have to put Him first and if you have absolute faith in Him, in time He will give you great things, which might be good careers, great romantic relationships, or something else you can't even imagine. You just never know, but you have to trust in Him, and that's the idea...
Now, let me raise two issues about your current relationship (again, without being judgmental):
1) The fact that he believes "it's not about you" and you believe in personal fulfillment mean that you have very different fundamental values. Personal values cannot be changed in a short period of time and there's not guarantee that they will change at all in the future. Despite however intense and fulfilling this relationship might be for you now, do you think it is sustainable in the long run?
2) The wife's reaction seems tricky, BUT please imagine what might happen even if she suddenly agrees to leave willingly and everything seems to be solved. Do you think MM will feel no guilt still? I once cheated on my bf (now we're not together, for completely different reasons) with a friend of mine a long long time ago. And now I have some resentments for this guy, while still feeling guilty about my previous actions. I started having negative feelings about this person (that's even before me becoming religious). Since MM is already religious now, and morally torn, do you think there's a possibility that he will grow to disrespect someone who has once been his accomplice to the act of infidelity?
As you already said, he's already in pain now. Even if he and his wife successfully get divorced, the guilt will remain, especially given his religious background, like it or not. If you really care for him so deeply, do you want him to live with guilt because of you?
- Desiree
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (25 May 2008):
 I think the story might be called "Virtue", but I have no way to confirm. It's been described as "cynical" :)
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (25 May 2008):
It happens. People who are married fall out of love and fall in love with another person. You, our hapless poster, simply exposed the mechanism. You've been accused of causing this shemozzle by confessing your feelings. Well, love affairs and divorces don't happen by magic. They happen because something happened. A glance. A look. A confession of love. It might have happened anyway, without your confession. He was already "lusting in his heart". And he always had the choice of ignoring your confession.
I'm not religious and I don't greatly appreciate religion. The problem with your guy is that he has a huge conflict of interest. His religion tells him one thing. His heart tells him another. Other agony aunts are right. He's trying to resolve the conflict by finding a sneaky way out. There are lots of ways of being pusillanimous. Religious or not, that's what he's being. He wants an out and his religion isn't giving him one. He wants a clean conscience and his religion won't let him have one. If he were Henry VIII, he could excommunicate the pope and have what he wanted. But he can't. That's why he's got this messy situation.
In the meantime, his moral transgressions are far more serious than if he just took the straight way out and said: "I took my vows but sorry, I can't keep them any longer." He's lying, he's cheating, he's thinking of sneaky ways around the problem. Not good. Not terribly religious, either.
Your happiness will be built on the unhappiness of his wife. People will point to you as a home-wrecker. Well, the alternative is that he goes back to his wife and breaks up with you forever. That will make two people very unhappy, and there's no guarantee that the marriage will ever be the same again, anyway.
Look back from Judgement Day (if you believe in things like that) and despite the people who tell you that the marriage should be held together come hell or high water, it may become apparent in hindsight that leaving his marriage was the lesser of two evils. In fact, Somerset Maugham had a short story precisely about this. At Judgement Day, looking at the twisted unhappy life that people chose out of a sense of duty and morality, God snuffed them out of existence with a sigh. He didn't mean people to create an even greater evil out of rigid adherence to His moral code. If I remember the name of the story, I'll tell you. (Of course, Maugham may not be the ideal person to refer to as he had his own particular views on moral issues!)
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (25 May 2008):
Is life all about religion, or is it about being happy and feeling fulfilled?
Life is all about being happy and fulfilled and having peace
within yourself and with your surroundings.
You have to come to terms with your physical body ,
your mental state and your spirituality in order to be happy and fulfilled.
Can you be happy without the peace inside and outside of you?
To be happy , you need to have inner peace and be at peace with your surroundings.
If you attained your happiness through the sufferings of
another , then you are not enjoying true happiness.
I cannot speak for other religions but only my personal experience of being a Christian.
Religion has enriched my life and outlook.
I would not go back to those days when I live in the dark.
Unless a person is born again spiritually ,
he will not see God.
God has given me hope , peace, love and understandings of what I am going through life.
It has given me a spiritual perspective of things on this Earth which I was not able to see before .
As a result , no matter what happens in my life on this
earth, my hope, belief and faith lies in Him .
If you have no God, there will be no hope .
Hope and faith in Him is what sustain my life on here.
Otherwise, you don't know what is your purpose on here.
As a Christian , we are told that our life on Earth is like
a train journey through time and our final destinations is Heaven.
Be not be too concerned about this world ,
for you came with nothing and you will leave this Earth with nothing.
If he wants to marry you , he should divorce his wife first.
If he believed that divorce is against his religion,
or he needs to keep his vows then yours is a lose cause.
If you are religious and you know that it is wrong,
you cannot be happy and fulfilled ,unless he leaves his religion to be with you .
But will he find happiness?
He can believe whatever he wants but there are people who
who have blind faith and never questions what they were taught .
They just accept everything as the truth.
That is the tragedy of life.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (25 May 2008):
I'd like to respectfully add one comment. There was an outside force working on this married man. It was the woman who told him she had the hots for him. That is an outside force. He chose to do wrong by following up on her tempting offer but she also chose to make a selfish, destructive confession to a married man. His marriage may have had issues but she helped push it over the edge. In this world, there are people who choose to do good or evil. Sometimes we need to choose based on the greater good and not to accomodate our selfish needs.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (25 May 2008):
You say you feel awful for his wife BUT "it is was it is...what happened, happened" Yes, it sure sounds like you're struggling with your guilt over that.
You are not an honest person. You are naive. What is honorable about what you did? You were unfulfilled in your marriage and decided to tell another married person you were hot for them. What is mature, decent, honorable, wise etc about that?
His struggle is this....he had premarital sex, she got pregnant, they married, he became bored, you gave him an outlet, you got involved in his business and supported/encouraged his lack of interest in his marriage(because it suited your desires), his focus shifted from his wife and family to sex with a woman from work.
So, do not pontificate about his religious struggles. I'm not religious but that really makes me gag. Would you like me to start listing all the huge sins he's been doing....adultery, lies, sex outside of marriage, broken vows etc. Anybody can sin, we all do. He is not a follower of the biblical word. His struggles are his own doing.
You are not the only one who is guilty. You share that with him. Of course his religious leaders don't give him the answers he wants. He wants off the hook. That is not what he's supposed to do. I also don't believe that people should remain married when unhappy. Do not though, try to make it about his struggles with religion.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh but what you are asking is the best way to do something hurtful and callous. Reality might be that you were all in unfulfilled marriages but you went bout this in a really sneaky manner. It's hard to feel sorry for him or you.
In closing, I'm going to give yo an analogy I use often. Compare it to a car thief. My neighbor has a really nice car. I steal it and really begin to enjoy my new stolen car. Time goes by and I get caught. He gets his car back and I look for sympathy because I no longer have a nice car. Here is the point, it never was my car. Who cares what I began to like or how much it meant to me. IT shouldn't have been in my possession in the first place. If you had written your first question as if you were remorseful, you might not get this reaction. Your angle though, is how to make this deed work out for you.
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A
female
reader, kittikat +, writes (24 May 2008):
Oh, one more thing. It IS all about him. He has to understand that. He made a decision to see you- there was no outside force working. Again, he has to take responsibility, no one is going to be able to make this easy on him. It's not an easy situation.
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta  +, writes (24 May 2008):
 I'm trying to figure out how to say this with out being judgemental.
ah well i tried.
I can only assume the guy got his gf pregnant. and married her as to not a child out of wed-lock (sp?)
Is there something about that whole No sex before marriage?
and thou shalt not being a cheating little bastard? or something to that affect.
And yes i know i'm being judgemental, a guys gotta have a hobby you know? much like mr young immature i'm married, deeply religious and having an Affair.
I'm sorry but the question you're asking has nothing to do with religion.
"he said that there's no doubt that he would marry me now, "
So. what makes you so special? l;ets say you have kids and all that stuff.. what if he meets soemone else?
And don't you dare give me that crap of " oh he woulnd't he loves me more... blah blah whine bitch Flaming cry me a river"
ok i'm done. i've re-read you post 5 times.
I'm sorry, but i hate religion, and "Deeply religious people" because you're all full of snot.
"I'm looking for God....
though i didn't find him while having an affair with a married man."
You are blind, selfish and a moron.
This deeply religious retard is sinning, and so are you. don' think you can just find god, flash him your boobs and you got a clean slate.
Eddie has it right, you're Selfish. you have not given on single thought to the kids involved in this.
Heres some advice. Become a nun who isn't into religion because you're off to a rotten start.
Grow up, act your age and not your shoe size and think of his poor kids involved and what you and this boy are putting them through.
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A
female
reader, kittikat +, writes (24 May 2008):
No, you're not the only one at fault, he is the one who has the commitment to his wife, not you. Honestly, there's no telling why he's so tormented. Religion does have a way to controlling people's thoughts and actions. You just brought up an interesting tidbit though, you said that he talked to one of his religious leaders and "His response was that it's not the answer he wants". Hmmm. No one is going to tell him what to do or make him feel like it's all OK. You said that he wants some outside force to make it easier on him, well don't we all? Life gives us obstacles and hardships every day, but we can't all sit around and wait for an "outside force" to make it all better. That's not life. It's not part of being human. He sounds like he's very confused and doesn't want to take responsibility. Maybe you should be the outside force and tell him that he cuts it clean and nice with his wife or you're gone. That's a force that demands action. I know that you love him, but if he can't make up his mind you really have to figure what's good for you. Again, it's not fair to you or his wife. Religion or not. To be honest, it sounds like he's using "religion" as an excuse. He's already done the deed and he has to deal with it. Good luck, hope that you find peace soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not trying to make my question all flowery; and I'm not trying to get off the hook. I'm merely trying to understand his struggles and where he is coming from. I do sympathize with his wife; I feel awful about her situation. It is what it is, and what happened happened. It's certainly an awkward situation and one that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. I don't feel that I stuck my nose anywhere... I'm just an honest person who says what I feel and I tend to take ownership of my life.
One question is that why am I the only one at fault; it takes two to get into this situation so I don't feel that I did it all. You're right, he should talk to his religious leader and I have recommended this. His response was that it's not the answer he wants. All along he has wanted something else to force him into action so that it wouldn't be about him (e.g., our unborn child); he knows what he desires (me) and needs an outside force to make the decision for him. I agree that it's not the proper approach, but it's one that works for him.
I will keep you posted, thank you for taking the time to write your feelings on this topic.
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reader, kittikat +, writes (24 May 2008):
Hi, please take this to heart and know that I am not being judgemental in my answer. I also have to warn you that you're probably going to get a lot of angry answers thrown at you...Be prepared for that.
Your dilemma concerns me because your MM doesn't seem to be taking his relationship with you very seriously. I do not think that divorce is something that people should turn to every time something goes wrong and I was raised to believe that Marriage is sacred and a commitment for life. That was the "religious" side. But, I'm not so naive to know that people just sometimes fall out of love and later in life they realize that they're just not compatible. It's sad because sometimes there's just not much left to work on. About your question...Religion is a very powerful thing for some people, well a lot of people. Look at all of the things in our world that are influenced by religion. Religion has touched almost every single aspect of modern day life. His wanting you to have a baby so that it would be easier for him to leave her is kind of strange to me. If he wants to think that God would forgive him more easily for leaving his wife for a pregnant girlfriend...I mean wouldn't God know his plans now? It kind of seems like he's planning on manipulating or "tricking" God. Which is again, kind of strange. In my opinion, who cares what people think? He's feeling guilty for religious and moral reasons, but he's already broken the vow and done something against his beliefs-would his religious community look at him harder for lying and sneaking around, or would they look at him harder for being a man and dealing with his problem? Most would probably respect him for the latter. We're all human and God expects that we'll make mistakes- but we have to take responsibility for those mistakes. As hard as it is, he needs to be accountable and deal with it. Not make it worse by making excuses (new baby). He needs to be straightforward with his wife if he wants to be with you. It's only fair. Yes, she's throwing him a guilt trip because she's shocked, angry, hurt and confused. I would probably do that same thing- at first. Maybe she honestly did think that her life with him is wonderful, or maybe she thinks that there's nothing that they can't fix. It's up to the two of them to come to terms with what's wrong with their marriage. Remember, you're only hearing one side. You didn't specify which religion you're talking about, I know that some are more strict with their beliefs...Bottom line from me is that he sounds torn, yes, but he has to make a decision- you and his wife don't deserve to not know where you stand. Please be careful and I'm sorry for your miscarriage- bringing a baby into the world as an excuse to leave your wife is definately the wrong reason to have a child.
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reader, eddie +, writes (24 May 2008):
You, you , you , you, you.....it's all about you. He is no better. You said you don't want to be judged. You HAVE to be judged. You can't make your question all flowery and holy so it's easier to get off the hook. You and he are doing something wrong. What type of deeply religious man acts like he does and makes babies outside of marriage. As for you, you don't care about anything but yourself. What about his wife. IF you hadn't stuck your nose in the picture and muddied the water, he might still be innocent of adultery.
If everybody knew what they were doing was wrong, why do it. Do things in the correct order. Leave the marriage having tried, not as a cheater. Maybe he should talk to his religious leader for guidance.
Call it what it is. You stuck your nose into his life. He went for it and everything else took a back seat to your infatuation.
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reader, xJoanneyx +, writes (24 May 2008):
 if he loves you so much he would leave his wife. god will judge you accordingly
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