A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi All, Here's the situation. My SO and I have been in a relationship for nearly a year and a half. We've lived together for a year now and are preparing to go off to grad school this fall. The thing is, he's asked me to cover his living expenses while we're in school, as the loan amount he's been approved for only covers his tuition. I've agreed, with the condition that we get engaged over the summer - something that he says he would want to do, anyway.The amount of money he's asking for is substantial; about $10,000. Now, I'm becoming concerned that the real motive behind his desire to become engaged to me is to get his hands on this money, despite the fact that we are very happy together. To clarify, I won't be cutting him a check to 10K. We'll be living together during grad school, and I'll be covering rent and food for both of us, so it's not like there's any possibility of him absconding with the money. I just don't know if I should agree to do this, while we're still just boyfriend and girlfriend, or even fiance/fiancee. I love him with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I just don't trust him enough at this point in our relationship to pay me back while we are simply fiance/fiancee. Of course, I would make him sign a legal contract that details a payment plan and any interest he would pay on the loan, but I would feel more secure if we got married first. What do others think? Should I ask him to forgo engagement and head straight to city hall?
View related questions:
engaged, fiance, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, laetitia  +, writes (24 May 2010):
 A guy who likes you and want to impress you WILL ask his guy friends for money to borrow first and not his gf. He can also go to the bank or ask his parents.
Tell him that you have no money to lend him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): My grandmother taught me 2 great lessons: 1. Don't lend people anything. You either give it to them, or you don't.2. A contract is worth nothing unless it's written in blood.It's proved to be helpful in many ways. Lending things, money causes friction. Contracts are theoretically watertight, but in reality a little splash makes the letters fade. Don't think that because you've got a contract, he will pay you back. You should know that by now, anything and anyone can get a lawsuit that's costly in both time, money and emotions. So before you go ahead with this, think it over. And think it over carefully. Do you think he can pay you back? The fact he's asking you to supply him with such a substantial amount of money sounds questionable to me. A few points to consider:1. Why hasn't he gone on a loan with a bank? Maybe he can't because he doesn't have the mean to pay it back. Well, what do you think will happen to your money?2. The fact he's leaning on you to supply BOTH your expenses seems pretty low to me. What adult can't pay his own rent? What adult has to beg off his SO to get around? I'm a 22 year old student working 2 jobs to cover my living expenses. If I can do it, why the hell can't he? He's practically insulting you with this.3. Marriage? How can he even think of such a thing when he can't even guarantee a financially balanced future for you two?Conclusion: this guy seems like a charming, but oh so manipulative leecher. PLEASE, DO NOT FALL FOR THIS. He's using his persuasion skills to get by. He's obviously very good at that because you think you even love him. I would never love a guy who needed me financially. I don't respect people who don't make an effort to make a living BY THEMSELVES. He's older than I am, for crissakes. Do not make excuses for him in your mind. Oh, he might tell you he was depressed or had other 'issues' preventing him from making money. Do not fall for his stories, because even the most mentally unstable people have been able to earn a living. I'm sorry if I sound harsh and angry, but I can't stand the thought of an ambitious, talented woman like yourself ruining her future because of some manipulative leecher. You're young and there are plenty of good men out there.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 May 2010):
 Set up a contract so that he has to pay you back. Engaged or married or not, set up a contract. He has to pay you back. Then when you get married, sign a prenup and make sure these 10 000 are secured in your name.
...............................
A
male
reader, RyanS  +, writes (21 May 2010):
 Please wake up. You don't love him and you are not in a relationship at all.This line of yours is self-contradictory: "I love him with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I just don't trust him enough at this point in our relationship"If you are unable to trust your bf/partner with money, then the relationship is either very weak, or does not exist in the first place!In my life, I have seen large/detailed contracts broken, and many verbal agreement held till death. Trust is there or it is not there. If you feel the need to make him sign a legal contract that details a payment plan on the loan, then you don't trust this guy. So don't give him money, and please also stop calling him your bf because you are not his gf.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 May 2010):
 Listen -Money ruins relationships. There are two things at issue here:1. He has no problem asking you for money. That is taking advantage of his relationship with you and using you to get where he wants to go. Why can't he take out a loan with a bank? How is his credit? You say that he's asking you for money all the time. That puts the relationship on very uneven footing.2. The #1 thing people fight over after marriage is money. Why is his lifestyle forcing him to loan you money over and over again? You will be screwing your own future because he will NOT reciprocate your generosity and will resent you for it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (21 May 2010):
 No way...... i have no good feeling about this. You two love each other everything must be equal or at least let him spend for you, Its ok to help each other but please dont carry 85% finacial matters in this relationship. Youre two are just fiance yet" this is already happening, what about if you two are already married and have already a child, dont you ever think that it is possible that maybe you will carry all the responsabilities! Think, love is great and wonderful but if we women are the only one who is carrying the whole responsibilities sometimes it makes also tired and it will make the relationship bad, dont let it happen, it is already good that you two have no child yet. Or well if you have enough money for this and anyway if you are willing too, then in the end it is still your decision. I wish you good luck anyway...
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (21 May 2010):
 I completely agree with what the others have written.
NO, no way would I agree to lend him money, written contract or no, engaged or not. You feel he's not very trustworthy, and you should pay attention to that feeling. It's telling you something you need to hear.
Furthermore, I think (just my opinion) that you'd be wise to not only ditch the idea of getting engaged, but also not to room with him either!
Far too many red flags......
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): Don't give him anything and dump him he's after your money and little else, after all your paying out now without a ring on your finger. The saying a fool is easily parted with his money so if you go ahead and lose him and the cash then a hard lesson will be learnt. Instead spend some money on a new hair do, a few outfits etc, and get out and enjoy yourself. As when you see him in the future smile, wave and walk on without any other contact.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is the poster, again.
Also, he's turned the tables on me regarding marriage in the past. Earlier this year, when it looked like he wouldn't be approved for any education loans at all, he asked if I would consider delaying grad school for a year, promising me that if I did, we'd get married this summer. His situation improved and now we're back to talking about engagement within the next few month and getting married immediately after grad school.
...............................
A
female
reader, tu.paloma +, writes (21 May 2010):
The fact that you are asking this question should be a clear indicator that it is a bad idea to lend him money. you are already paying for his living expenses and now grad school. he is a big boy now, let him figure somethings out on his own. Like askoldersister said, he would have to do it on his own if you weren't in the picture. You said it yourself that you don't trust him at this point so why bribe-blackmail him into marriage? if he was truly a good, respectalbe man he would never ask you for that amount of money and he would be paying your living expenses. he is a moocher! tell him to kick rocks and go mooch off his mother!if you lend him the money now you will regret it later and it will spark future arguments and could ultimately lead to the end of your relationship. What you need to do is make him pay half of his living expenses, don't lend him any money and make him pay for his grad school, and don't get engaged at this time (he will need the engagement ring money to fund his schooling). One last thing, your gut instinct is always right! what is it telling you?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): Hi, this is the author of the posting.I do trust my SO. However, like everyone else out there who's ever been asked to lend anyone money, especially a substantial amount of money, there's that voice in the back of my mind that wonders if he'll uphold his end of the bargain. Not because he's slacker, but because he can't. His line of work has been hit very hard by the recession and he's questioning the viability of this industry in the future. He is trustworthy (I've loaned him money before and he's always paid me back), but we're talking about thousands of dollars that I will have to take out in loans.I'm in no way using marriage as a means of extortion, and take offense to that suggestion. He says he wants to be with me, right? And that the reason he's going off to grad school with me is 90% so that we can be together. We talk about OUR future constantly, and what we'll be doing/where we'll be living in 10/20/30 years time. Well, if all that's true, let's make it official then. Peace of mind will be established knowing what's mine is his and vice-versa.I hate the idea that I'm "buying" his commitment and have time and again told him that. It doesn't feel right to me. I don't know what to do. We love each other, we want to be together, but if I don't loan him the money, we'll be forced to spend the next year apart.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 May 2010):
 Nope. I don't think lending money is a good idea. Nor is getting married because you are lending him money.
Like Timm D wrote, don't "carry" anyone, specially not a partner, the whole things will be about not being equal and about the money. What if, you guys break up? What if he cheats? Would you still have to live with him and pay for him?
Nope I wouldn't do it.
...............................
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (21 May 2010):
 You saying "I just don't trust him enough at this point of the relationship" makes me think that not only should you not lend him money, but you probably shouldn't be getting married. At least not for a while. You shouldn't be put in this type of situation and he is wrong for doing so.
I do not recommend "carrying" him like that. If you love each other then your relationship should be equal.
...............................
A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (21 May 2010):
 There's bartering, there's trading, there's negotiating and then there's leverage and extortion. I think you're utilizing the latter and trying to call it the former.
If you can't trust this guy now, why on earth would you even consider marrying him?
Why would you think that marrying him will somehow negate the lack of trust when all you're really doing is trading one legal, binding, high risk contract for another? It sounds to me like you're offering room and board on a loan shark's terms.
While I admire your practicality and rudimentary business sense, I think you're barking up the wrong tree.
If you have no reason to trust that he'll honor an obligation now, what cause have you to believe he'll honor being married to you? I think you need to find an alternate method to deal with this matter, because your rate of interest is borderline obscene!
...............................
|
