A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've recently started dating / going out with a girl (31 yrs old) who I'm very attracted to, and who I get the impression is also really attracted to me (I'm a 28 yrs old guy). Which is great. The trouble is, we both have ideas about our long-term future, the way our lives go, which I don't think are compatible. I'm pretty sure she wants to have children (which will be sometime in the next 5 years or so) - although we haven't directly discussed it yet (we're just starting to see each other after all, so it hasn't come up in direct discussion!). As for me, I really can't see myself having children in that time, as I will definitely want to be settled in one place with a reliable income before I have children, and that won't happen soon (due to my overwhelming life ambition - what I live for - of doing a certain kind of job, which involves short-term (1-2 yr) posts, with insecure income, around the world for the next 5-10 years).I'm confused. Should I feel bad about feeling attracted to her, and wanting to go out with her and spend time with her? Since I care about her, shouldn't I urge her to find someone who could give her children and make her happy in the long-term? Should we just live for now and spend time together, and ignore how we want to be a few years from now? At what point do we have to start planning for the future? At what point would I have to break up with her, in both of our best interests, so we can both have the life that we both want to lead? The more we go out, the more happiness we share, but the more painful the eventual parting, and the shorter the time she will have for finding someone else (that is, to have children with and the future she wants).All advice gratefully received :}
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male
reader, Godric8  +, writes (28 December 2010):
You haven't dated her long enough to get serious. Things change as time goes on. It seems like you have everything figured out in your head about the future and what will be. This will also change. The part about you wanting kids when you are financially secure for instance. It's kind of cliche. When we mature we find out that often it's never the perfect time to have children. The perfect time never comes. We either want to be fathers and mothers or we dont. The finances dont determine if we are to procreate. Children dont need money. Children need love and parents who will be present to spend quality time with them. So either you want this or you dont. Don't let money or your house with the white picket fence get in the way.As for you dating her you can go with it for a while. Your feelings may develop for her. One thing though is be totally honest with her. Never lie even if it is embarrassing. This way you wont feel guilty any more. Try it, you might like it. Peace and GL.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): Well, I think you are a very thoughtful guy to ask these questions and not want to waste this girl's time.
But I think you should give her the choice. Tell her exactly what your concerns are and let her decide how serious she wants to take this relationship, if you really like her you will just be honest with her, that is the way to go.
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A
female
reader, Annieapple  +, writes (12 February 2009):
Since you haven't discussed it with her how do you know she wants children? Are you just assuming because she's a female in her 30s.You may change your mind about you want and she may change her mind about what she wants so if I were you I'd go for it.
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A
female
reader, Ask JenniHearts  +, writes (12 February 2009):
 this is just the beginning of the relationship. feelings like that grow with the relationship you can' just force them there. its smart you want to wait and have kids later with the economy how it is. she wants kids which is understandable. but you need to grow int the relationship before you make those impulses. don't be scared. your just having fun your looking for who you want to spend the rest of your life with. its not just gonna happen.(it does sometimes i know) but give it time. and if it comes up then tell her your not thinking of kids just yet.
hope this helps
Jenni hearts
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): My boyfriend and I are having the same problem! I think the main reason are three: 1, she is a woman, woman think more of the family and children thing a lot more than men. For most of the women, they don't care how big of a creere they get, as long as it's a job she likes and has a okay or decent income, family is always the most important thing in their life. So I think your girlfriend is a nice girl cause she thinks of family and kids which means she is a responsible woman. 2, she is over 30 years old. It's the time for her to think of having kids. Most of women get married when they are 25~30 and have her first kid around 30 or even before that. So it's totally normal for her to want a baby. Look around, how many women in your company or your friends have their first baby before they are 30 or around that age, no even to mention that your girlfriend is 31 and she wants to have a baby in the next 5 years, which means she will be 36 to have her first kid. Don't think that's totally normal for her to think that? 3. Your girlfriend is older than you. The older you get, the more you want a stable family and have kids and enjoy the beauty of that. If you accept to have a girlfriend who is older than you, especially she is over 30 years old, you should expect that kind thing coming. Well, I have to say, since you guys are not dating long enough, try to be with her longer and see if you will love her more and if you love her more and more, it's beautiful to do something the one you love, including changing yourself. If you can't change yourself for her, then see if she is willing to change herself for you. But again, it's really reasonable and understanding for your girlfriend to want that. If you love her so much that I believe you are willing to change.
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