A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am just about to cheat on my boyfriend of one year because of the lack of sex and affection from him. I am so disappointed as he is just such a nice guy and I love him so much and in any other ways he is perfect and I do not have any problems with him. He is not willing to try harder to make me happy when it comes to our sex life. I have been talking to him for months and explaining to him how I feel and letting him know that I am not satisfied and he just listens. I even asked him since we have no other problems then maybe we should go get some professional help and he does not want to do that and he said that he has no problem with our sex life and he does not want to go get help with me. I do not remember when was the last time we had a passionate kiss!!:( If once in a blue moon we have sex I am the one who has to initiate it and I have to beg for hours then he will do it. Last Saturday I told him that I did need to have sex then and he said NO as he was going out to play his sport and did not have time. Today is Thursday and I have asked him a few times since Sat if we can do it and he always have an excuse and keeps saying “ NO”. I feel so bad about myself. I feel rejected and unwanted. He says it is not like he does not love me it is just because he does not need sex as much as I do. I guess I can respect that he has a low sex drive but he can make it up to me by cuddling me or holding me or something so I can still feel that closeness. He is a busy man with sports and some other activities so he is gone most nights . He might be home only for one night a week for the whole night but as we live together when he comes home late at nights after playing his sport and he watches a bit of TV before he goes to bed ,he counts that as spending quality time with me. Last night he told me that even for that few hours a day that he is home he wants his space and I should go out and do something so he can get his space. I just do not understand. He gets his space without me 6 nights a week. It is not my fault that he chooses to spend the free time he has not being with me and working playing sports and spending time with his friends then when he comes home he is sick of being around people and do not want to be bothered by me and wants to be alone. He told me that when he went to get a bottle of wine the other night he was the happiest man alive as he was by himself for a few minutes. I am not sure if I am asking for too much here. I do give him space every night for few hours and that is not my fault if he decides to spends it with other people. I was very hurt when I heard that as I am an active girl and I have my own life and this really hurts when he is acting like I am nothing and I just want to be there all the time and I have no life. Well, life is not all about sex and spending time with each other a couple of days a week and there is a lot more to life and he is a perfect man that I have ever met in my life when it comes to other things. I am an attractive woman and I do get lots of attention from men where ever I go. So I was thinking since I do have needs, I like to be cuddled, I like to be kissed, I like to be held, I do have a high sex drive and I do want to feel hot and sexy and beautiful like I did before I met him a year ago and he does not want to give me these then I should go get it elsewhere. I also want to try to not be home till the bed time every night so he can get his space when he is home for a few hours a day and not playing his sport and drinking beer with his friends. I have been in long term relationships all my life and have never ever cheated but I do not think I do have any choice left. I do not want to leave him as I said he is the best in all other things in life and these are the only few things that are lacking and I know that I am not perfect and would not expect him to be perfect so I should just go get my needs from other men who are dieing to get my attention and I will be a happy woman that I do have an almost perfect guy at home and a few things that are missing will be with another men. I do talk to him all the time and asked him to go and get some help with me as this is not working for me but he does not want to. I even ask him to give me suggestions as what he likes me to do to him and all as I am super open minded and up for anything but he says that everything is good!! Is this wrong to be with a guy that you totally click with and get along with but he does not pay attention to your sexual needs and you go get it elsewhere to balance your life and be a happy person??Please help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): I would say maybe... he is gay?? Guys like to have sex...and most want to improve their sex life to satisfy their women. I don't think he is lying about loving you. He probably does. But, maybe is afraid, or has not realized that he is gay. That might explain a lot. You should maybe talk to him about his.
A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (14 December 2007):
 Alarm bells sweetie....loud and clear.
Whats the difference between a lover and a friend...sex!
Has he always been like this?
You know, I would tell him "that you really want to give him his space, and you've really thought about it and the best way you feel you can do that is by moving out!"
Don't cheat sweetie, your only lowering yourself. The type of people who link up with people who are in relationships generally have emotionally issues. No self respecting man is going to play second fiddle. Leave him, find a man who will put you top priority in his life. You deserve to be happy.
If this man is not making you happy...then go.
If I didn't know any better I would say hes behaving like a cheating husband/boyfriend. Loss of sex drive and interest is the first sign, not being around alot is the second.
Get out sweetie and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): From what you have said, he in no way shape or form sounds like a nice guy, or that everything else is great in your relationship. How can it be, when you're spending most of your time alone, lonely, void of emotional and physical intimacy and he straight up tells you he wants time alone from you, basically telling you that the short amount of time that he is home with you, that you need to get lost? He is being emotionally abusive..even if he listens to you, he's not trying in any way to make you happy. He won't get help with you because he simply does not care about you or the relationship enough to. What, may I ask, are you even getting from this "relationship" I wonder? Does he make good money? Are you afraid that because you're in your 30's that you won't find anyone else? If so, not true at all. And if you're just after his money, you will be the one paying in the end, emotionally. You're worth more than this. You can find someone who loves you enough to be the "nice guy" and give you sex and emotional fulfillment. I say don't bother cheating, leave!!
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A
male
reader, Diimo  +, writes (13 December 2007):
 Well ask him if its ok that you get your sexual needs met elsewhere..then its all good. At least until you start falling for your new Beau(s) and your current relationship begins to crumble into an emotional mess. Cheating on someone is always an awkward and painful beggining of an end to any relationship. Seriously..emotional and sexual intimacy are a huge part of a relationship. And you can't say your current relationship is in any way perfect with a deficit in those two vitally important areas. You will never be in a happy relationship until those needs are met. The security he provides is perhaps ideal for you otherwise and hinders you from making the right decision. However,you can in time find someone who is nice and provides satisfactory levels of emotional and sexual fulfillment. Base that decision on the fact that you two aren't really all that compatible as partners because you both have different needs in intimacy levels. Do the right thing, address these issues and come to a conclusion in your relationship before everyone gets seriously emotionally hurt.
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (13 December 2007):
 No it is not OK. Not ok at all. But it is also not ok that you are not getting the sexual satisfaction out of this otherwise perfect (I did not see anything perfect from what you said in him other then him being a nice guy). So you relationship is deficient, devoid of half the substance and as I can tell YOU are the perfect lady in this. And I also can see that any man would love to be with you, who wont anyways, you sound a cool, pretty, talkative lively woman.You cannot force him or talk him to make sex, you tried it anyways.I see no way but you to make the ultimate choice and leave.If you don't leave, you have no right to cheat on him. Or you two decide that this relationship is not a relationship but a friendship and each of you can have seperate lives in that respect. NOW you can talk about this...
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