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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. I need help figuring out something. My boyfriend and I both in early 40s. He has a full time job, teaches at a university but financially in trouble because of divorce and some business investments. He has a potential as he is an entrepreneur and incredibly smart, just this is a bad timing. I offered to give him 10k and he wasn’t accepting but I insisted. I know the relationship is new and we know each other for about a year but I don’t mind helping him. My friend found out accidentally, I would never share stuff like this. She has been giving me grief and calling me crazy for doing that. She hasn’t even met my boyfriend! She is telling me no one would do such a thing and he might never return your money. I know this loan is bothering my boyfriend as I know he has never borrowed any money from anyone before and has sent me a link few times for a loan he wants to get but I declined and want to give him more time. My question is not about if he returns my money as I can afford losing it but my question is what is wrong with helping the person you care for? Am I crazy or people who don’t care for each other are crazy? 10 or 20k doesn’t make me broke but can make a difference for him. What is wrong if we help each other?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2020): I am a generous person and at first had no problem with you doing this.
However, the fact that he was so reluctant rings a lot of bells!! Maybe he knows that he won't be able to pay you back, maybe he has had money ruin relationships in the past, who knows.
Here's an idea for the future: if a future boyfriend needs money, how about suggesting he ask your parent for a loan? I may be stupid, but it just seems like taking you out of the loop might be a good idea. (And you can privately vouch to your parent to repay them, if you want.)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2020): I’ve already provided a response (about foundations) but after reading your second post in the answers... I realize that based on your responses to the answers, and based on your age range, you are already who you are, and it seems you’ve already decided how you’re going to go about things. In that case, don’t sweat it and keep living your life the way you do if you’re satisfied with that.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (16 January 2020):
 If you lend or give him any money, especially a large sum like this, you will destroy your relationship. NEVER EVER allow money to be part of your relationship. You may think that you can afford it, or you're helping, but it will destroy all respect he has for you, and you for him, and could lead to him "tapping" you for more, which will make you resentful. He will also resent you for emasculating him with your money. You will also be injecting yourself into his divorce which is really bad.
He's a grown man. Let him do what men do and pull himself back on his feet. Keep your money if you want to keep him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2020): I know in your eyes you see it as being nice. I used to be like that —“why not? I’m just being nice!”But the truth is in some cases it’s not about you being a nice person. You need to see it as how you are setting the foundation for a relationship. It’s NOT game playing or being manipulative to set boundaries on what you want in a relationship and having to go against your natural tendencies. If you’re not already committed and talking about long term (the guy is still going through a divorce! You think he’s focused on you?) then you have to be smart and think about the foundation of your relationship. Is your foundation going to be based on money? Then yes by all means give him the money and make it clear that you don’t care of he pays you back or not because you can afford it. Even if he’s nice back... it doesn’t matter. Money is at the foundation of your relationship now. There may be other things mixed in the foundation, sure. But I think we are wondering why even put something like money into the foundation? Why, when you can have a nice clean fresh foundation? Think of it also like this. Do YOU want to be the one making all the effort and planning and doing and taking in the relationship going forward? While he sits passively and not caring too much about the relationship? Ten years from now? 20 years from now (if you’re still together)? Then don’t be the type to say “oh, I’ll do it all because I’m nice’ in the beginning of the relationship. It’s ok to have standards and reasonable expectations of what you want at the beginning so you can set up a healthy balanced foundation for later.Giving him that much money makes it seem like, “Hey, I’m a financial safety net, I don’t care, use me like a door mat!” Now, if he’s nice JUST EXACTLY LIKE YOU, great, probably nothing horrible will come of it. But I’ll say most are not “nice” like that because they are smart, and “selfish” in a way that is actually normally human. And if you truly don’t care later if he does use you like a doormat and you’re ok with that because you are truly a NICE person, then great again! I’m not saying people can’t change or can’t be exactly like you and do the same back for you. But all I’m saying is that when a relationship is new and you’re not even committed to something long term or lifelong, why even set the stage for something possibly harmful to a healthy balanced relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2020): I’m the OP- I replied yesterday but not sure why it’s not posted. I’m just trying not to biased. I know the frustration over many scammers out there that take advantage of naive women. I have heard and seen many stories. I have never let anyone take advantage of me. I’m a strong woman! To answer some questions, we did not meet online. We have some mutual connections and live in the same city. I know his background and he is coming from a well known and respected family. I didn’t help to buy his affection. I don’t need to buy it as a purchased love doesn’t have any value! I’m humble but have no choice to tell you that I have it all and have no shortage of professional guys chasing me and no problem with turning them down. My standards are different. I’m not after title or money. I need to add that my boyfriend has helped me a lot by doing some projects that would cost more than 10k and never expected anything in return. He is very generous despite this financial difficulties. He has some patents that needed his immediate attention and he has spent lots of money on attorneys. The process was slow and he could lose years of hard work over not having enough fund so I helped him and he never asked for it. Cindy- the last time I did something for my parents was 2 months ago. I paid 6k for their entire vacation. I’m also helping my sister with her tuition. I promised myself to give a shelter to a homeless lady in our neighborhood as soon as I buy a house. I bought a house last year and my boyfriend helped me build a small suite so I gave it to her. I couldn’t handle the heartache seeing her sleeping on the street while it was 30 degrees outside. It brings smile to my face seeing her showered and wearing clean clothes and have a place to sleep. I’m a giver. Any good stories out there?
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reader, CarrieSoa  +, writes (16 January 2020):
 First of all you say you want to give him £10k then you say it is a loan. I would strongly recommend that you clear that up with him immediately. If it's a loan, get the terms of repayment in writing as you never know what can happen down the line and you may need to go to court.
If you are giving it to him then I think you need to ask yourself why on earth you would give someone £10k after a year of dating. Are you trying to buy his affection? Save him from his responsibilities in the hope he'll fall even more in love with you?
Your friend is right to be surprised and worried for you. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MONEY.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 January 2020):
 The bottom line, as other posters have said, is that this is your money and you can do whatever you want with it, even burning it on a bonfire- and you don't need anybody's permission, approval or even opinion. BUT… you DIID ask for opinions, so mine is : it's wrong. It's a very bad idea. Not only because you are probably not getting your money back, which, as you say, is not a problem for you, but because it gives a special, and flawed, slant to the whole relationship. Actually, I am surprised that this guy even accepted your money, considering that you are not even married or engaged, you are just, it sounds, dating and since not a long time too. He has a full time job, he is still young, hopefully healthy, and if as you say he is smart and has a lot of potential, he should be not only able but willing to solve his problems without getting handouts from his girlfriend. And, what does it mean that he is ( maybe )going to get a loan to pay you back ?? If he could get a loan for the needed amount, well, why did he not just apply for the loan to begin with , without involving and inconveniencing you ?
I am not sure, then, that your willingness to " help him " is absolutely pure, with no strings attached. It's not like he is risking homelessness or starvation or sudden death , so somebody MUST something about it, no ifs and buts .
He has a nice white collar job, - he just is divorced and made some wrong investments (… so, he also is not a maverick with money. Uhm. Good thing that you don't care about having your money back ! ). In other words… just °life° is what is happening to him ! Shit may happen in most men's life at some point, but most men don't need
( and don't want ) to be rescued financially by Big Loving Momma, if only humanly possible.
( Yes by lending him , or gifting him, this money you are acting like a mother figure, not an equal lover, and you'll see how this will change the dynamics between you ; and not for the best ).
It sounds to me like if you pamper him with your monetary help, you are not only doing it by the goodness of your heart or because you love him so much… that too, but besically, at some level, you are trying to " fidelize the client ", and / or to buy his affection, loyalty and committment. Maybe you are not that sure that he would stay if you don't treat him super- duper extra nice, - that's why you turn into the fairy godmother .
The fact that you can easily afford it does not make it a more sensible idea ( although surely makes it less dangerous and damaging for you ). So , you can afford to plunk 20000 into someone you like; great. And ,... when is it the last time that you spent 20000 on , say, your parents, just for the heck of it ? The last time you bought a brand new car to your sister, or brother, or best friend- just to make them smile ?... Wouldn't they have more title to a little ( or big ) NSA donation, more than a boyfriend of few nmonths ?... Or, if you are a person who loves helping people… I don't need to tell you, I guess, that there are tons of ill, deprived , starving people, and that any charity assisting them would love to get a nice 10000 donation. ..
In conclusion : you are an adult, the money is yours, - so do what you want. But if you also want us to say : Oh cool, great idea, fantastic !- heck NO ! , it's not going to happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2020): Get him to sign an agreement to repay the loan to you within a set period of time. You need it in writing in case your relationship goes wrong. You have done a generous thing but foolish in my view, I'm sorry to say. He's an adult. He makes his choices and faces the consequences. You are not his parent. Make sure you get a written agreement
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 January 2020):
 As I don't know you, I find it hard to figure out if you are trying to buy his affection, control him or if you are a genuinely warmhearted generous person who appreciates this money, while insignificant to you, can make a huge difference to HIM.
If you have been dating for "about a year", why has your friend not even met him yet?
What rang a bit of an alarm bell for me was that, if he really wanted to take out a loan to repay you, he WOULD have done by now. He would not be simply sending you links to show "willing". He would DO it.
If I was your friend, I would probably have a pretty similar attitude to your actual friend. However, that is not the issue here as you seem quite prepared to lose this "loan". I suspect giving him this money has made you feel good about yourself, that you have put some "spare" money to what you see as good use. Perhaps it might have been put to good use in a different way, like sending it anonymously to someone in need?
When all is said and done, it is YOUR money to do with as you please. I would only add that I hope this guy does not abuse your trust in him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2020): I’m the OP- WiseOwle, thanks for your advise. I understand your frustration as I have heard and seen many stories of woman falling for online scammers and keep feeding them due to desperation, I know it all!
I didn’t meet him online. We had some mutual connections . We live in the same city and I know who he is and what’s his story. I did not try to buy his affection with money as I don’t need it. I’m humble but have no choice but to tell you that I have it all and have no shortage of dating in elite society and no problem with turning guys down. I’m just not interested in what usually interests other women. So I’m not a desperate fool who needs to pay a guy for his affection. I wasn’t trying to make any investment, I was just trying to help and he kept refusing to take. It was a very difficult process to convince him. He owns some patents and most of his money went to attorneys, that’s legit also, even if you search him up you can see everything. The process was slow and I found out the reason was he doesn’t have enough funds.
I’m not stupid I would not spend a penny on a scammer. This guy has a well known and respected family. Despite having difficulties he is very generous. Also he has done some projects in my house that would cost me more than 10k if I wanted to hire a contractor and he never expected anything in return.
I just think this is sad that because there are many scammers out there we are always suspicious. Any good stories out there?
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 January 2020):
 The best way to ruin a relationship is to add more people OR money. More often than not.
I hope that you AT LEAST had the COMMON sense to set up a document regarding the money, whether it's a LOAN or a GIFT, because REGARDLESS of how long you have dated it's plain STUPID to think that 10K means nothing. And even more stupid to ACT like 10K means nothing.
If it's a LOAN, the document should specify the time of repayment.
If it's a gift, I believe you can get away with NOT filing for a "gift -tax" (sorry can't recall the specific name) since the amount is 10K or under. However, if you give him MORE you should (legally) file.
However, with all that being said, IT IS YOUR money and you can throw it at whatever or whomever you want! While I agree with your friend that I wouldn't do the same (because I couldn't afford giving 10K away nor would I want to complicate or alter the dynamics of a relationship with money) YOU are in full right to do as you please. JUST perhaps be smart about it. If you were my friend I'd raise an eyebrow too and probably shake my head a little. It seems a little naive.
Hopefully you made a good investment, money-wise. However, having "potential" doesn't always means it will come to fruition.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2020): [EDIT]: Typo correction
"What else did he tell you?"
P.S.
Please forgive me for being harsh. Your post hit a sore nerve; because it reminds me of similar situations happening to people I care for dearly. They thought they were in-love and helping. They made themselves vulnerable, and were used; only to find out there was no love. They lost even more than you gave. One put someone through pre-med and partially through med school!
I hope you listen to your friend. If you want to invest money, do it under the advice and consultation of a reputable investment firm. Not with guys with whom you're trying to initiate a romance.
A man of any pride and decency would have vehemently refused you.
RED-FLAG!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2020): Your friend is correct. You are naive, bordering on foolish.
You're trying to buy his affections and making a financial-investment in a relationship with a man you've hardly known for a year.
You are like far too many gullible women who let relationships bring-out very foolhardy behavior; under the excuse of being helpful. They are easy targets for scams; and waste their money on no-count con-artists and gigolos.
I bet you met online. Girlfriend...seriously?!! Ten thousand dollars???
How would you know about his financial-woes; unless you were sold a sob-story? What else did you tell you? How his terrible wife just took him for all he's worth? Is he truly an entrepreneur or a gambler? *SIGH*
If you want to give to charity, give to a reputable charity. Not to
some divorcee who made bad-investments and coming out of a failed marriage!!!
I won't waste my words of wisdom in my usual lengthy lecture. Your friend has been the voice of reason. You should listen to her.
You know why you wrote DC. After thinking about it, you know she's right!
Get him to sign a notarized repayment agreement.
Don't write for advice if you're going to make excuses for your mistakes and ignore the advice given to you!
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reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 January 2020):
 If it doesn't make you broke and the venture he is wanting to invest in is something you believe will work then its your choice to loan the money.
While she is telling you NO ONE would do such a thing what she is really saying is that SHE wouldn't do such a thing.
Just tell her is was a risk you were prepared to take and that as it is not going to deprive you of food or rent it was your decision to make and you don't want to discuss it any more.
Ive taken a chance on a few people, not to the same $$ as you, but most people are honest and worth the chance of going with our gut if we can afford it.
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