A
female
age
41-50,
*ose T
writes: met a guy this past summer, June. He and I share a mutual friend. My mutual friend told me about him and told me he'd like for me to meet him because he thought we'd be a perfect pair. Before I go on, my friend told me that his friend was from a foreign country, had only been here for 1.5 years which explains why he's in his early thirties and stay at home with him mom, he makes just a little over minimum wage, and applied for school in the same field that I work in just a couple weeks before my friend introduced us. I'll tell you about me just so you all will know the entire situation... (not too brag). I'm finished with schooling, masters degree. I make 4 times his salary. I live alone. Have my own vehicle...and so on. The first conversation I had with him, mind you I hadn't met with him face to face.. he was telling me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I thought that was a bit weird. I asked him about it and he told me that he had been in enough relationships to know what he wanted. After two weeks of dating I was speaking with him on the phone, he asked me where i was and I told him- I was in a department store. He asked me to buy him some underwear because he needed more. I told him that the store was closing and he said that's okay. He'd told me that he loved me after two weeks of knowing me and seeing me in person a couple times for a short amount of time considering he works 2nd shift and i work 1st shift. my off days are sat and sun and his off days are Tuesday and Wednesday. After a month of dating he asked me if we could buy the house I'm currently saving to purchase next year together. Mind you he doesn't make much and overdrafts his account regularly living with his mom so I'm not sure how much he'd be able to contribute. In the same breath he said that he wanted to marry me and have children with me. I was more offended than anything because I'd be the one supporting the family financially. The simple fact that he was rushing down the aisle made me think about his real intentions with me and why he fell for me so quickly. Seriously, he was planning a life for us before he had met me in person. We were just talking on the phone. Within the month of meeting, he had asked me to help him with his homework but i found myself doing it until I told him to take responsibility of his own work. I began to back away after i saw that he failed both his classes. I felt like he was making just a bit over minimum wage and failing his classes (btw the only good grades he got was the work i did for him) I felt as if he wasnt giving me anything to hold on to. When I stressed my concern he called me mean. He told me that he is loving, caring, and affectionate and that's what women want. He'd often talk about how great he was in the physical (how attracted he is) and how women fall all over him. It was more a turn off because i felt as if he was trying to play me like i had no self esteem and would stand by him because he was attractive yet broke with little ambition. The thing that put the icing on the cake was him asking me if he could borrow $500. I said to him out of shock "where is your pride". That I should have NEVER said because it was wrong and I did apologize but that's not enough for him. I also told him that I could no longer continue on in a relationship with him because everything i say to him, he take it as me being negative and afterwhile it gets old. I'd compliment him, he is fine! but it takes more than being fine to keep me. He did treat me nice, like a gentlemen should but deeply i couldn't get into him because of him wanting to start a family and get married after a month of dating. the relationship lasted 4 months, that's when he asked me to borrow the money that i knew he would not be able to pay back.Was it wrong of me? All he ever tells me now is how hurt he is for me telling him he's a man with no pride. I've never known a more dramatic man in all my life.. Is it wrong of me to not want to walk into a situation where a man is dependent on me? I'd pay for half our dates, I didn't want to pay for them all because i did not want to offend him but it didn't matter to him, he'd tell me thank you before i reached for my purse to pay for it. Please help.. I'm not sure if he's trying to make me feel bad or if the man is really hurt.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Love-Wisely +, writes (23 November 2010):
 "He asked me to buy him some underwear because he needed more."
-That is the red flag for me. I don't place a huge value on pride, but asking a person I'm dating to buy me underwear "because I need it" is extremely low. I think the average man would sooner risk jail to steal them.
Living with family isn't the unforgivable sin, but as you pointed out: why doesn't he have enough money to buy underwear? It sounds like he's terrible with money. That is a long term relationship breaker for many couples. Does he gamble?
And, I would sooner hit the streets than beg for $500 from my lover. His attitude is all wrong. You shouldn't feel bad for walking away... You should feel good you gave him a chance despite his flaws.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 No i think you are right, he told you he loved you and wanted to settle down with you wayyyy to soon. Nobody knows that they are in love with someone after a few weeks therefore he either knew you made a good income and he knew it would make for a good future or else he is just desperate for marriage and a family that the first girl he meets he rushes in to things.
As for the £500, ok it would have been best for you to just say no that you cant, maybe it was going a bit far telling him that he has no pride, but he cant expect to live of you, am not saying that the man should be the bread winner of a relationship but i do believe things should be equal.
Ok so he doesnt make as much as you, but you were only dating for a few months therefore dates should have been paid equally and he should not have asked you to buy things for him or borrow money so soon in to the relationship. Fair enough if you were both dating for a few years and you loved him with all your heart then money shouldnt have been an object for you then.
I think that you done the right thing by finishing with this guy as it just doesnt sound like you are compatiable at all, and i would doubt that you would have a happy future together.
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A
male
reader, BigSambo +, writes (23 November 2010):
LOL, I am sorry but I could not stop laughing as I was picturing the whole thing. Your writting style is very creative, as I was reading your post, it made me feel as if I was there with both of you. WOW, great writting skills.
Anyway, I can't say why he was rushing marriage, but could it be because of where he is from? How much do you know about his culture? The more you know about his culture, the more you can understand him and why he was rushing things.
The last thing I will say is if you do not love him, then get away and do not get involved with him anymore. Most intercultural marriages end up in divorce. I know so many people from different foreign countries who are no longer married to their American wives.
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