A
female
age
51-59,
*targazer65
writes:my fiance of 3and 1/2 years took his own life in january of this year. thru hate emails, i came to find out that there were like 12 of us that he had proposed to. but that didn't stop me from loving him and mourning for him. he has 3 children, all to different women. the oldest is 20. i initially contacted him, to give him my condolences and to let him know that i was here for him if he ever needed to talk. his father told him about me, and a few of his other relatives knew about me as well. thru the months we have kept in contact. a few weeks ago, "john" told me that he loved me and that he wants us to be a couple. i am 47. he is black, i am white. and i do believe that i have fallen in love with him. we live like 700 miles apart. he wants to come to my house for the next holiday, and i would love to have him here. i don't know what to do. i don't want his family to hate me or to think badly of me because of my relationship that i had with his father. i have no one to talk to about this. please, i need advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2012): A huge no! This is all so inappropriate. You are continuing your boyfriends legacy of doing everything wrong. What are you a middle aged woman doing hooking up with a 20 year old? Your boyfriend sadly did everything wrong having all these women around. His suicide is an indication that he was a deeply disturbed man and I feel sad for him.
If you are sane and smart woman you would be with a proper man or alone Nd not hooking up with kids, really.
A
female
reader, Lucky786  +, writes (21 September 2012):
 You seem like a sensitive person who has been there for "John" at a bad time in his life. He lost his father and you lost your fiance. "John" may truly love you but part of me wonders whether it's your shared grief for a man you both loved that has brought you to this juncture.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (21 September 2012):
 I'm sorry for the loss of your fiance - unfaithful as he was. I guess that doesn't lessen the pain of his death.
You say you "really, really need advice."
Well, here's mine. You say you are in dire straits. So let me ask you: do you have a decent place to live? A job? Health insurance? Sufficient income to live on? If you do, you're in good shape. Better still if you have family and friends.
It was certainly appropriate to write to "John" and express condolences about his father's death. HOWEVER, you would have done well to leave it at that.
What do you hope to gain from persuading yourself you're "in love" with this man you've never met (and no, talking on the phone and exchanging text messages doesn't really count). I mean, cougar women aside and all that this guy is TWENTY-SEVEN (27) years younger than you. WHAT on earth are you thinking? And I wonder about him as well.
Maybe he's looking for a "sugar mommy" for all we know and then you'd be in worse shape and hurt than you are now. Now: having said that it's possible his motives are all above board in saying he "loves you" - although, quite frankly unless he is deluded I can't imagine why he would tell you such a thing.
Don't get me wrong: his expressing appreciation of your kindness in contacting him, plus acknowledging the relationship you had with his father is one thing and is in order. But why a 20 year old would be romantically interested in a woman so much older and one, moreover he's never met, not to mention the fact that you were engaged to his father beats me.
No, my advice to you is to mourn your loss; come to terms with it, and give a wide berth to this youngster AND the rest of the family. The very last thing you need is to add to your troubles, and that has a fair chance of being the result of continuing to pursue this young man.
On the other hand, a nice, DECENT man closer to your own age, a few years older or even two or three years younger is a goal to aim for in the future, if you want.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (21 September 2012):
 Don't rush into things. Meet him (not at your place), date him and only after you know what's what, give him the go-ahead. He might have intentions you're not aware of or he might just have an adolescent crush on you. It could also be only for sex. It could be many things. The fact is that the age difference might prevent the relationship from working out long term. But if you're willing to take the risk, and face eventual heartbreak, take a chance. But this will definitely be very difficult. Don't worry about what others may think. It's more important for you to be happy. Will this young lad make you happy? It's too early to be sure, so please take it slow.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 September 2012):
 Aw come on, the kid is 20 and you are pushing 50. Get a grip before you do something you will really regret.
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A
female
reader, Stargazer65 +, writes (21 September 2012):
Stargazer65 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni am completely aware of the age difference. completely. i posted this question because i am in dire straights, not be ridiculed. this is serious. when i was 20, i had a pretty good idea what i wanted out of life. i know that his father's history was out of the norm, but like i said, i loved that man with a passion...so please have some respect for the deceased. i did not in any way shape or form encourage his feelings towards me. but, indeed, the fact remains, that there are feelings there from both parties. no, i have not met "john" in person...we are in contact via txt msgs and phone calls. the first time we talked on the phone was over 2 hours long. i really really need advice. please and thank you.
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A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (21 September 2012):
 I don't think the feelings of this young man is love. Maybe he has some issues in life like a need for love and affection and he perhaps wants you to fill his emotional needs.
You are a matured woman, you know better about life and what is wrong and right.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 September 2012):
 have you MET John? or are you totally in touch via the internet?
I do not like this... no to many things that have an ewwwww factor...
I think that JOHN saying he loves you when he's all of 20 and you are more than old enough to be his mommy and his daddy just died (and his daddy was clearly a pathological liar) and you are 700 miles apart is a bit shady.
how in the world could this boy love you and what are you getting out it from him?
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