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female
age
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*arisol77
writes:I was married for 28 years until he started staying away from home and told me he loves me but he is not "in love with me anymore". After trying for months to work things out I moved out. Once a week he visits me and we have sex because he says he misses me. But he never asks me out to dinner or a date, is just ocassional sex. I take him because I still love him. I hope he'll realize he still loves me but it's been two months since I left and he won't ask me to come back home. In a couple of days we are supposed to go on a two day trip to a friend's wedding together. Should I go? Is he just using me because he is not seeing anyone else? Do I go with him and act happy to be together? Is it wrong of me to keep expecting that he'll love me again? I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, marisol77 +, writes (23 October 2007):
marisol77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers. They were very helpful. Most of you suggest that I stop giving him what he wants. But how do you stop on your tracks after 28 years, four children and a lifetime of memories and experiences together. I also believed we were going to be together forever. Now that the kids are grown I thought we were finally going to enjoy been by ourselves and do things we could not before. How do I just not open the door when he comes to sleep with me? How can I just let him throw away all those years, do I risk that he goes and gets his sex somewhere else and I may lose him for good? He says that he loves me and cares for me but is not in love. How can you feel that way after a lifetime together? No one is closer to me than him. How do I now stop talking to him, sharing my dreams, telling him my worries. How do I erase him from my life. The only one I had for so long. On top of all I work with him. And I need this job to support my parents, so I can't even think of quitting. I see him every day and not once in months has he asked me to go together and get a bite to eat or something. He had told me before that I bore him, that I am this burden. I know, I should respect myself and walk away for good you say.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): well hi there iv been in that same place this time last year my husband told me the very same thing i love you but im not in love with you we were married for 23 years 4 kids and our first grand child was on the way too.i though i would die without him thought we were going to be together for ever till one of us died.i loved him so much i really did! well we uesd to meet up and have sex once or twice a week too but listen lady it dont work its just making him not want you more!he will never want you back as he is getting what he needs allready so why should he want you back he has a no strings with you! i no iv been there i though that if i gave him it all he would find his love for me again? and want me back. i wanted him to so much i really did ! i was so wrong .you see i went to councling got my self a life and tryed so hard to move on without him.but the first thing i had to do was stop having sex with him hard i no buti had to stop! i though i would never find another who would love me like that again well i did and what do you think a year later when i was in love with another man ha came to me and asked me back you see men only want what they cant have and when he cant have you in time he will miss you and want you but by then you might be like me and not want him!! i never though i would be able to feel like that for him but i do and i never want him back in my life we are friends but thats all... you see you allways want what you cant have and when he sees you dont need him or want him he will come after you and want you more than ever .. so be strong and walk away you will see a change in him in time and see what you had was not all you though!!! god bless you and i wish you all the love in the world i do no what your going through and my heart bleeds for you xxx take care!
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female
reader, Yogichickk +, writes (23 October 2007):
 I say give them what they want. He is not in love with you. Fine. You are not in love either. See what he does. Don't have sex with him. Don't go to a wedding with him, go separately.
Respect yourself sister!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): I'm much younger than you, but it really sounds like he doesn't love you if all he wants to do with you is sex. It sounds like he misses your sex, not you.
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female
reader, tulipdame +, writes (23 October 2007):
After 28 years, you'd think you are entitled to each other, but now he wants something different. He's obviously wrong. How are you "not in love" after 28 years? You two belong together. You are trying to give him the excitement of new circumstances he seems to be seeking by moving out but still seeing him as if you guys were a new couple and not a very old one, but that has not fixed the problem. What you two lack is not more adventurous love life, it's communication. You'd think after 28 years you know each other so well you can read each other's thoughts and see each other's dreams, but the way he is acting is obviously showing you that you don't know him as well as you think you do. You say it yourself: you just have casual sex, but never go out to dinner. What was it like before you moved out? Did you go out to dinner back then?
I think none of your questions about what to do next are going to get answered until you take another long hard look at your husband. You love him, but is he the man you think he is? Is he what YOU want? Sweeping things under the rug was working just fine for the two of you for many years, but he seems to want to drag it all out in the open and really question what holds you two together, so, like it or not, you are going to have to do it too.
It's really what you'd have never expected from life, but what is causing you so much pain, could be a gift in disguise, because you never know what you'll find. God works in mysterious ways.
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