A
female
age
36-40,
*narch
writes:Is it worth being in a relationship if you do not trust someone? I love my boyfriend, very very much. Yet, I think he does things that are a little shady. Lately too, I've been wondering if he is cheating. He didn't want me to see his phone some time ago.He swears he is not, and I want to believe, but at the back of my mind, I can't let it go. I don't think it is good for us to be this way, with me wanting to know what he's doing all the time, because I'm afraid my suspicions are true, and him being able to reserve his right to privacy.He says he is willing to give up his privacy for my sake, but I know it isn't true. Even though I am tempted to take him up on this offer, I don't think it is good for him. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Xearo +, writes (29 June 2015):
Going through your partner's phone is usually left as a last resort method. It's not meant to be something that invades someone's privacy just because you have trust issues. Reason being, it breaks many boundaries that cures no insecurities whatsoever.
Surely, there should be some other signs if he is cheating. I have had many friends who said that when they looked on their partners' phone, they caught them cheating and that "they knew it all along". My question to them has always been the same...why did you ignore the hundred other signs that he was cheating? The same may not apply to you but if he is cheating, then you should be able to see some other signs.
Trust is something that is earned and developed over time. If he is doing things that are indicating his distrust, then discuss them with people you trust or talk to him about it. If he is seeing someone else, make it clear that this is not what you want. You need a partner for the long run, not the quick thrill.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2015): Relationships are founded on trust. They can't exist without it. Before you go asking your boyfriend to prove his trustworthiness; I think you need some evidence that he is up to no good. For example, time that can't be accounted for, taking frequent calls he won't explain, making excuses for being late, missing in action; or sudden cancellations without explanation. Lipstick on his shirt, the smell of a female's perfume; or something to go on besides suspicion.
You have to know the difference between jealousy or possessiveness brought on by insecurity; or perhaps he had questionable character when you met him, and you knew it from the very start. Now you're always watching him out of the corner of your eye. That sort of thing will drive him away if he is innocent. You know that.
If he is willing to let you go through his phone; he has no doubt deleted everything he wouldn't want you to see. So going through his computer or his phone still isn't adequate to substantiate suspicions of cheating. That kind of evidence can easily be disposed of long before you see it. All the same, it is odd he didn't want to show you his phone. He would have instantly handed it over, if there was nothing to hide. I would think.
I can only say, your distrust will hover over the relationship until something gives. Either he will simply tire of it and want to breakup; or your your discomfort will get the better of you, and you will want to breakup. It's the elephant in the room that will never leave; but you have no solid evidence to put your finger on. Sometimes that gut-feeling is all you have; but you still have to wait until something presents itself to justify your distrust. I suggest you try to relax. If you do, and he IS up to no good; he is likely to let his guard down. Cheaters always slip. Subconsciously they want to get caught. The thrill is in avoiding detection and seeing how long they can hide things.
It would help if you could be more specific about what he does that is so shady? Does he have a lot of female friends? How did you meet? Was he with someone else at the time? Have you felt suspicious of previous boyfriends; or did your last relationship end due to your ex's cheating?
I'm very curious to know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2015): I would take his offer. It is not worth the relationship if nothing shady is going on. If you do find something you should stay calm and ask him about it.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (29 June 2015):
 Don't you think you are sounding a little paranoid? So he won't let you see his phone, so what? Does that mean he's out sleeping with you best friend or something? aybe he thinks you are a bit strange for wanting to look over his shoulder all the time and therefore will do everything in his power to remain an individual that doesn't need a helicopter drone hovering about.
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A
female
reader, Anarch +, writes (28 June 2015):
Anarch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your responses. The reason that I do not easily trust him is because of lies that he has been caught telling me in the past. There are lots of issues that have been challenging us in the relationship that has made me become a little more withdrawn, and I wouldn't be surprised if he wants to find love elsewhere.
That's why.
I do not want to be the person I think I'm becoming, going out of my mind with the need to probe until I find the truth, and I do not wish for him to feel like a bad person, because he isn't just someone who has lied before. He's also done many good things in the relationship, and I know a lot of girls would be glad to have a boyfriend like him.
But I cannot stand lies. Not even little ones, because I am very open in my relationships.
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A
female
reader, Anarch +, writes (28 June 2015):
Anarch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, you're shouting at me, and making a lot of assumptions that I didn't quite say. I didn't put the whole story in because it's LONG and complicated, but if you continue to behave so aggressively, and compare your situation to mine, which is not the same, then please have nothing to say here.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Betty  +, writes (28 June 2015):
In many relationships, one or both members involved will come across feelings of doubt and speculation. If your boyfriend is willing to give up his privacy, that is a sign he is willing to work at this issue. You need to find the root to these feelings you have. Do you suffer from lack of confidence? Do you fear history will repeat it's self? Sit down with your partner, discuss your concerns and find a way to work with and support each other through this time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 June 2015):
 I don't think he should give up his RIGHT to privacy because you are insecure or have decided he MUST be cheating and thus lost trust and faith in him.
He doesn't OWE you to show his phone. You do not have the RIGHT to go through his phone, JUST because you are his GF.
I'm MARRIED and don't presume that it's my RIGHT to go through my husband's phone or HIS right to go through mine, though I know if I or HE wanted to do so it would be no big deal because there is nothing to hide. I use his phone on occasion and have NEVER gone through it. Why would I? I trust my husband.
If your BF have given you NO other reason to NOT trust him, YOU need to dig a little within yourself. WHY is it that you AUTOMATICALLY think him wanting privacy with regards to his phone = HE must be cheating?
Has there been no other indications?
But I can tell you this. IF he agrees that you can go through it - your doubts or insecurities will NOT go away. He could have deleted suspicious things, he could have a second phone.... YOU SNOOPING will NOT prevent him from behaving "badly" if he was so inclined.
And if you start thinking it's your RIGHT to rifle through his phone, what's next? His room/house? His car? His finances?
And does that means if YOU can go through his, HE can go through yours? IT PROVES nothing.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 June 2015):
 Hi
You may or may not have trust issues or even may or may not be having suspicions that he is cheating. However I can say that no matter what your lack of trust will poison the relationship even if he can be trusted and even if he is not cheating in any way.
But if he is cheating or not being utterly truthful them he may be well versed enough in cheating that he can bluff his way out of this, but eventually your lack of trust will hasten any stability within this existing relationship.
It is hard to think rationally when consumed with a lack of trust towards another person. Mistakes can be made.
Are you willing to explore your trust issues with a counsellor? That might help you discover where you need to have more confidence in you And learn to trust and learn more about being assertive when you are feeling like maybe he might be doing something you might not approve of.
If he is telling the truth then he will soon become sick of defending himself and what he has been doing recently.
I think a short stint with a counsellor really might help.
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A
female
reader, Sally Dee  +, writes (28 June 2015):
If you know him well enough you would know if he is.
Give him a chance or better yet try to do the opposite and give him some space.His reaction to the space may give you some signs of what may actually be going on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2015): If you know him, try to trust him.
Maybe do the opposite that you are doing atm and try to see his reaction.
If he gets shadier then you may have a valid point.
Btw, what are the reasons he didn't want to show you his phone?
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