A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have met a lovely man who is currently going through a divorce after a very long marriage. I have been divorced for 10 years and have been single for most of that time. We're both in our early 60s. Over the past two months we've been seen each other several times. We've been just friends - no kissing, holding hands or anything like that. He's always very attentive to me and it's clear that he likes me and finds me attractive, and I feel the same about him. We get on really well and talk and laugh and have lots of fun and happy times.But, he is going through a divorce, so he's in the middle of a lot of emotional turmoil. He's told me that he's not in the right place for a relationship right now (not surprising) and just wants female companionship.I do like him very much and would very much like a relationship with him. But I understand how long it can take to get over a divorce and the grieving process - it look me years. So my question is, do you think it's worth me hanging on in there as his friend and waiting for when he's ready? I am worried that we may continue as friends and I'll invest in him emotionally and then, when he's ready for a relationship, he'll start one with a new woman as he'll just see me as a good friend who helped him feel better about himself and acted as his painkiller while he went through the trauma of the divorce. I like him very much, but don't want to get in too deep emotionally and end up getting hurt. Has anyone been in this situation? Did you end up together? Is it worth me hoping?Thank you all so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2015): Hi Ms. X,You have been wise, very wise, in your actions so far. And I congratulate you on your still ‘being in the game’ in your early 60’s, bravo! (this coming from a guy in his late 60’s.)So I am a little surprised that you are leaning toward the negative side: you speak of bad luck, you are conceding it is very unlikely you would be together with him, you are expressing disappointment before the game is really over.Let me ask you this. Suppose another equally eligible prospect appeared today. Would you not go into full battle mode, form a friendship, slowly become closer, etc, etc? But isn’t there just as much risk of him being stolen by some other less scrupulous woman? I believe that, yes you would pursue him even though there was some risk of your ultimate disappointment. Perhaps you already see my point – there is ALWAYS going to be some risk of disappointment if you are in the game.Back to your present friend. He seems to be the only grade A, number one prospect in your bullpen at the moment. They don’t come along very often. Why not keep the game going? I would say, “Don’t quit until the fat lady sings.” (sorry.) And it doesn’t mean you couldn’t keep your eye out for someone else coming along.Ah, but there is that other little problem - all that baggage he will be carrying. We all know the world of hurt that will happen when his divorce is final, especially at his age and from a long marriage. But it seems like you are saying the risk of him ever getting out of that quagmire is so high that you just maybe should drop him altogether. (I guess we could also ask here – do you expect to find any man in his 60’s who is not carrying some baggage?)But I would say if he is a good friend and even if ultimately you never get beyond being friends with him – how often do good friends come along? So why not do what friends do – help him. At his point you could be the best sort of friend he could ever have – someone who has been through that inferno and came out whole on the other side. No, no I don’t mean you should be his therapist, only his friend like you have been. Most guys will muddle along and put on a brave face. But you and I know that is not the way to long-term happiness. It would be far, far better and much faster if he went for professional help – but perhaps you already know the likelihood of men doing that. This is where you could help, if you could somehow steer him, gently convince him of the benefits of going that route. Easier said than done, but again that’s what friends are for – gentle persistent prodding him, without antagonizing him – this could be quite a test of your interpersonal skills. In the end you might have to go so far as telling him that you would never even kiss a man who had not gone successfully through such professional counseling!So again, you probably get my point. Further, you could search out counselors; even interview one or two yourself so that you could confidently tell him that they would be suitable to help him. Make it a challenge to find the best. That would be a mighty friendly thing to do and it would be so much easier if he didn’t have to do that.Bottom line – put your rose-colored glasses on again, count your blessings, keep on trucking!Well Ms. X, that’s what I think. Do you think my glasses are overly rose-colored?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): Thank you for your answers.At the beginning he unloaded a bit to me, but the last few times we've met up, we have just had a fun time with no deep conversations. I deliberate avoid the deep conversations as I don't want to be the person he unburdens himself to - he should see a counsellor for that. I have (hopefully), just been someone fun and light to be with.But that probably isn't enough. And I know that it's way too soon for him. I also know that, when a man tells you something, he usually means what he says.It's so upsetting as I have known people to meet men straight out of a relationship who, within no time at all, have started up long and successful relationships with those men.He's the first man I have liked and been attracted to for 8 long years. Just bad luck and bad timing, eh?I don't want to lose him, but know that I should step back to protect myself, which may in turn mean losing his friendship. All too disappointing for words.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 August 2015):
 No, don't wait.
If you can enjoy his companionship for what it is, no emotional strings attached, no getting yourself into it too deep, then sure, appreciate your new friend and his attentions and the good time you are having together.
But if you suspect, or know, that inevitably you'll start having expectations, ... which may be very possibly end up disappointed, - then, not only do not wait, but also step back quite a good bit.
Be here now. Life is now. He told you he does not want a relationship at this time, and , understandably, he has no idea when he will be over the aftermath of his divorce, and when he will want a relationship, IF he will want one ( lots of people who divorce late in life, find themselves quite capable, happy in fact, to handle their new found singletude and independence ). Nor, he can promise that when he will be ready for a relationship- necessarily he'll want one with you ! The fact that he enjoys your company and finds you attractive does not necessarily mean that when he will be unencumbered, practically and psychologically,he will be able and willing to translate these positive companionable feelings he has toward you into love feelings.
Time alas is a factor too, ( I am no spring chicken myself, so I should know :). You say it took you years and years to get over your divorce, so, what if it takes him 10 years to be " ready " for you ? You'd be in your 70s by then, and, while there's no age limit for love, true, it is also true that priorities change a lot in time and it's not improbable that you'd find out by then that having a steady companion, or, worse, having HIM as a steady companion is not on the very top of your wish list anymore.
Regardless of age , anyway, I am never a big fan of waiting for people to " change " or to become what they are not yet or to want what they do not want yet.
So many women ( probably including myself :) are often attracted by problematic men and problematic situations that would be just fine... IF ONLY. Men and situations that needs to be fixed up, worked on, modified, improved....shed blood sweat and tears on :)...
But at the end of the day, life is already too short and complicated to pull on yourself willingly this one more burden. There are men and situations,( hopefully ! ) that are just viable and available and " consumable " right here right now, just as they are, without need for long waits or total remodeling.
THOSE are the men and situations it's worth to put your heart and time and energy on. The rest.... it's quite debatable if they are worth the effort.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 August 2015):
 I think you you already know what's up here.
He will see you as a friend and down the line when he is ready (and he CERTAINLY isn't now) he might pick someone else, someone who hasn't seen him at his lowest.
If you want a relationship HE isn't it. And he might not BE it for years.
Treat him as a friend, no more. Look elsewhere for a friend.
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