A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend recently found a job after almost half a year of being jobless. The problem is, he incurred a lot of debt during those times and he depended mainly on his credit card. He's laid off due to the cost cutting by his company and he didn't expect this to happen, he used to live a wild life: drinking booze, shopping here and there, every night going out with friends and dating girls.We've been friends before thats why I know this and we both did not expect to be more than friends. We had developed some feelings as I was the only person he confides about his problem. Anyway, right now the bank where he receives his salary had blocked him due to his debt and they had informed him they will take his whole salary for 2 months. This will leave him penniless for 2 months, but he also needs to pay two credit cards and three friends he owes money. I am really tempted to lend him money as I cannot stand that he is suffering like this, and I am capable of lending him some amount. He is getting more depressed everyday even if he denies it. One fact, he just sleeps after work and does not eat at all. He is losing weight rapidly. I told him to eat but he says he doesn't want to spend a single cent from the money he has or he cannot pay the bus to go to work. I offer him food but he said he is shy to keep eating with me while I keep paying the restaurant bills. So every time I invite him for dinner, he refuses me saying he is not hungry and he is only seeing me because he misses me. He doesn't drink anymore and makes excuses to his friends about not joining them.What should I do? One of my exes told me to never ever lend money to a guy and I still keep that in mind very seriously. But in this situation, I think I am giving up. I can't stand that I can't help my man when I actually can just because it is risky that he will maybe run away or not pay me or use me for money?Dear aunts, please give me some words of wisdom about my situation. Should I lend him money or not? He has never asked to borrow money from me. I want to offer him some help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi K_C,
Thanks so much for taking time to help me with my problem. Yes I had convinced him to borrow money from me. Now, he seems better, he said he is happier. He comes to my house now and offered to help me in any way he can, he washes the plates or helps me in the kitchen. He said he feels guilty that I lent him money. And even though he will start paying this in April, he said he is grateful for my help and thru helping me in his little ways, he feels better.
Thanks so much!
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 I actually think you should offer to lend him some money (it is another matter if he accepts - male pride may stand in the way). He sounds like he genuinely needs help, he is not asking for any from you or taking advantage of you - he is just genuinely going through a hard time.
He has got another job after being unemployed and it is still difficult out there with the economy, so he has done really well to get something. He could just be sat on his ass being lazy but instead he is working which is great.
Now normally I will never lend money to anyone because it makes things complicated, but in this situation he is going to have a pretty bad 2-3 months and when you are in a relationship, I think if you see your partner suffering then you obviously should do all you can to stop that suffering.
Do you trust him to pay you back? That would be my only concern - but he does seem to have taken this new job seriously and is changing his life, he is not spending money on drinking or going out with friends, he seems to have his priorities straight which is encouraging.
So what I would say is lend him money - but only to cover certain things and make an agreement with him upfront about the money. I would suggest that first of all, you buy him a monthly bus pass/travel card, for the next 3 months so he has guaranteed access to the bus to get him to work. This wont be hugely expensive, and it is a very wise area to spend money on. Secondly, give him a weekly food allowance - or alternatively (this is a better idea in my eyes) say that he is going to eat with you for the next 2-3 months. So you control the budget when you do the food shopping and you also get to make sure he is eating, the best of both worlds. I would be cautious about giving him hard cash because he could end up using it to go out drinking with friends, so giving him money indirectly is a better way of making sure you are really helping him and he is using it wisely. But DONT take him out to restaurants, that is embrassing because as a man, he will hate to have you paying for each meal in front of other people who might be looking. So cook for him at home, or get takeaways etc so it is more like you are looking after him, rather than parading his lack of money around in front of other people.
Does he have enough money for other bills/expenses? Like rent, mobile phone etc? If he is struggling for these too then you could make a contribution towards these if you wish. But I think the bus pass and the food are the easiest ways to help him and ensure your money is spent wisely at the same time.
As I said before - make sure (if he agrees to you lending him money) you make an agreement about a) how much money you will lend and b) how he will pay it back. With regards to paying it back, I suggest that in month 4 he starts to give you installments of xxxx (agreed amount) until he has paid you back in full.
I really do think in this situation you would be doing the right thing to lend him money, just make sure it is an amount you can afford (rather than really stretching your finances so you end up really needing the money back urgently). If you have the agreement in place about how it will work - then hopefully it all should go smoothly and there will be no problems!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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