A
male
age
30-35,
*coin2991
writes:Dear cupid, I am in a relationship with this amazing girl and have been for over a 18 months, when we first dated we were having sex twice a week. This carried on until about 12 months later when she asked if we can stop having sex as she is a christian and she feels its giving her bad luck in life. We still do other things which was fine at first but I like to have a mixture of activities and after a year of having sex to not having sex I feel like I've lost something. I have read up on what sex is good for and I feel we can both appreciate the rewards sex can give. I love her so much and would never leave her but I want to get back to how we use to be or at least have sex every so often. Is there anything I can do to get her to understand?
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female
reader, Hindi  +, writes (13 October 2011):
Well, i think a christian woman needs to stabilize the internal conflict. the only way to stabilize her is to marry her. Then both of you will be satisfied.
A
male
reader, jcoin2991 +, writes (12 October 2011):
jcoin2991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionExactly without penetration there's only two things you can do, use your hands or mouth and we both enjoy that, but if were having sex we could try something new everytime. I'm glad you see where im coming from though. I don't think we got bored of having sex we both enjoyed it. I'll just have to see how it goes really.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 So to recap...
you were a couple and were fully totally sexual including penetration. 6 months ago she decided she no longer wants penetration but does everything else and you have not discussed it further....
If the above is accurate, then yes I think discussing it with her is an option.
Be aware however, that even if you add back penetration (and I'm all for it if you are doing everything but since I HATE the whole "technical virgin" stuff)... it GETS boring after a while. That's the beauty of monogamy... you know the dance with your partner...
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male
reader, jcoin2991 +, writes (12 October 2011):
jcoin2991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea we do everything else but it seems a bit repetitive after a while where as with sex there's quite a few different experiences and yes she asked if we could stop having sex to see how it would go. Since then she has never said anything about it and i wanted to get someone elses thoughts on the matter. But i also wouldn't know where to start the conversation too.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 October 2011):
oh well wait.. she said you would try... let me get this straight... are you doing everything but penetration???have you discussed it with her since she first brought it up?
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male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (11 October 2011):
 She has obviously committed deeper into the Christian religion. Part of the teaching is to to keep intercourse inside of marriage. Therefore, sex outside marriage is not prescribed. That's her faith, that's her belief. You will have to go along with this or leave the relationship. In any case, you wont be having regular sex as before. If you cant handle this then you need to leave the relationship.
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A
male
reader, jcoin2991 +, writes (11 October 2011):
jcoin2991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe's always been a christian though, so I don't see what's changed, she said we would try not having sex for a while see how it goes and its been 6 months. I don't know im very confused now, maybe I'll just leave it. Thanks guys for giving me some advice I needed that third party to talk to :]
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 October 2011):
You do realize that by asking her to have sex with you even once a month you are totally DISRESPECTING her newfound wishes right?
You keep saying that you are ok with it and will stay with her.
Then do it. She probably has enough bad feelings about this. It's hard to be true to yourself when it hurts someone you love.
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male
reader, jcoin2991 +, writes (11 October 2011):
jcoin2991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot basically saying would she be up for having sex once a month but tell her the situation, about us having sex for so long then out of no where we stop. If she says no she says no, im sticking by her no matter what, i just feel we both can get alot out of sex. We both enjoyed it when we were doing it. But like i said if she says no im still gonna be sticking with her because she means so much too me :]
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (11 October 2011):
But surely once a month or once a day, it's no different from your gf's point of view. If she doesn't want to have sex then it doesn't matter how infrequent it is, it's still sex, and that's against her beliefs.
YOu definitely DO need to talk to her about how you feel, but don't expect her to go along with a plan like that. If anything, once a month is the worst of both worlds. Not only do you get very infrequent sex, and only when it's ok with your gf, but she also has to go against her beliefs which state no sex. That is not a satisfactory position for either of you to be in and will only breed resentment.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 October 2011):
compromise what?
are you thinking that asking her to have sex once a month is an ok thing to do?
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male
reader, jcoin2991 +, writes (11 October 2011):
jcoin2991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys thank you for the quick replies, I will never leave this girl because I love her too much I accepted the fact that we wouldn't have sex but still be able to do practically everything else. I am gonna try my best to compramise maybe say once every month and see how that goes, who knows she might want to scrap it all together. Again thanks guys xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): It's quite strange i was in the same situation seven years from now.My bf and i have great sex then i decided suddenly to stop because in my point of view a christian must wait for marriage to have sex.We were so in love after two months without sex my bf convince me to have sex one last time before we wait for marriage and i accepted and it was unprotected.I found myself pregnant afterwards but now we are happily married with three children.
she asked you to wait just because she is religious and found it difficult to choose having sex with you or please her god.
i"m convince that it is the only reason,you are lucky to have a religious girlfriend don't wait too long to marry her.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 October 2011):
ouch I'm sorry. She changed the rules on you mid-stream but it's not for some arbitrary reason.
IF she has become religious and it's part of her religious belief, you really have to respect that.
IF you love her that much and never want to leave her and are wanting to spend the rest of your life with her then you should propose and marry her. That would solve the problem as I'm sure sex inside of marriage is perfectly fine.
IF you are not ready to make that commitment, then I fear you two are at different points in your lives and you will need to leave her.
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female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (11 October 2011):
 Hmmm I totally understand your viewpoint. She had sex with you for a year but suddenly stopped because she thinks it brings her bad luck? Ok people have their own beliefs, but her belief that sex brings bad luck, is, in MY opinion, pretty silly. Luck is not something that can be rationally measured or proven. If she thinks that it is because she should be saving herself for marriage, well, it's a bit late for that after a year.
But ultimately if this girl believes this, and is set, not willing to listen or change her mind, I think it is unfair of her to expect you to be happy in the relationship. Its like going back to being friendly, before you had sex.
I'm sorry, but if you are set on being wit her, you will have to wait until she changes her mind, or try to shw her your point of view. You are in this relationship as well. but if course it is her body, so if she wants no sex, you will have to respect that.
But, i'd suggest, explaining or writing to her that you love her etc, but know that sex is beneficial to relationships, and going without will put a strain n things between you. However, you will respect her wishes and choices, but she needs to understand that she will have to decide what her beliefs are about sex long term. Does she want to wait for marriage or is this temporary? After that question is answered you can gage whether you are prepaired to wait for her, or if you simply cannot.
You obviously have different values on the importance of sex and that is a very important part of a relationship. So if you can't find a happy medium, one of you will be unhappy abut the arrangement. Firstly you, then overtime her - when she feels pressure for sex. Give her some time and talk honestly. But don't put yourself through misery because you care for her. If you were as important to her, she would think about your feelings in this and either have sex with you again, or break up with you. Its not fair to withold physical love from a partner, when that partner has expressed how important it is to them. If you ca't agree, you must agree to disagree and part ways.
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (11 October 2011):
I think if you don't share her beliefs then the pair of you will have different, and conflicting views on sex. I don't really think there is a compromise here. It's not fair of you to try and pressure her into sex when it is against her beliefs; on the other hand, it's not fair on you to be in a sexless relationship when you don't have any beliefs to stop you having sex.
I think that the only way to solve things here is for you to move on and find someone who is happy to have sex outside marriage (which is a lot of people). It's not fair on your gf to impose a ban on sex and also for her to expect you hang around and accept it if it's not something you believe in. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to have sex- it's a natural part of a relationship, but it just looks as if this girl isn't the right one for you.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (11 October 2011):
 her attitude is not normal and if it's being backed up by a religion I would say it's even more of a worry. You don't have the right to have sex with her but you can leave her. Talk to her about it in caring way and see if you can work it out.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (11 October 2011):
If she thinks sex is wrong, and her religion tells her not to do it, then I think you are a bit stuck. You know you could end up marrying her, and she will still have issues with sex.
Maybe you should tell her that you simply can't go from having a sexual relationship, to not having sex at all. Maybe she needs to chose between you and her beliefs. I suspect she is somewhat using religion as a means to not have sex with you anymore.
The fact is, if she was still as sexually attracted to you, she wouldn't be able to stop herself from sleeping with you. So in short, there is nothing to get her to "understand" - it is you who needs to understand - that you need to make a choice about whether or not you want to be with this girl any more.
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A
male
reader, GhostChild +, writes (11 October 2011):
 Hi Jcoin,
This is a really awkward position that you've been put in.
But the way I see it is that it's totally not unreasonable for you to expect sex at least sometimes. Relationships are supposed to have intimacy in them. It would have been different if she told you that she was a Christian and didn't want sex before you both started going out.
But she's decided now that sex isn't what she wants.
She has every right to say no to sex, however, she can't expect you to stick around forever in a sexless relationship, especially when you were both intimate in the first 12 months of your relationship.
Sit her down and talk with her, perhaps you can come to some kind of compromise. Don't force it on her, but tell her that it's something that you both enjoyed and you miss having. Let her know that you respect her boundaries and that she doesn't want it at the moment, but also let her know that for quite a while sex was a feature of your relationship that you enjoyed but it's now been taken away.
Perhaps you can come to some arrangement where maybe you only have it every so often, or something like that.
Like I said, this is an awkward situation to be in, but you do have the right to intimacy with this girl, especially given how long you've been with her and the fact that she used to have sex with you regularly.
Talk to her honestly and hopefully you will be able to sort it all out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): It is a hard situation and I can understand how you feel. I have known a few friends who have had sex before, and the have either become Christian and have stopped all sex until they get married due to their strong beliefs. Other than talking to her about how you feel, and making sure that you are respectful of her beliefs and understanding of her side, as well as your own. Also I would ask whether this is a no sex until marriage deal or simply that she is trying to stop her perceived bad luck, and hoping that this is a way to end that bad luck she feels she is having. Maybe she is feeling a bit depressed about her bad luck and is simply trying to find a way to stop the bad luck, I don't see how this could magically fix it, as luck is simply what it is and nothing really causes good or bad luck but that's my opinion. Talk to her openly and honestly about your feelings.
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