A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I hope this question is not too vulgar. It's actually quite personal and embarrassing but I'm not sure how to handle my situation most effectively without some advice. I'm sorry for the length. It's a two part question i guess. A few weeks ago me and my partner of less than a year started talking about watching porn together. It was pretty much my idea, but something i haven't always felt comfortable enough to do with guys in the past. I had this whole thing set up, we were going to watch it together while we sipped wine and played around for an evening spent at my house. I had two requests. First, i asked permission to hold the remote and pick the videos. I felt this would help me slowly become more comfortable over time and eventually i would have watched with him enough not to feel jealous if he had a favorite girl or what not. In addition to that, i stuck to basically just solo females so that i wasn't unknowingly intimadating him with male actors as well. Second, i also explained to him that as a female, i sometimes have moods where i don't feel good about myself and porn could be touchy some days, so i asked that he still remain a gentlemen in regards to his personal use of porn ie masturbation, because i had an issue with an ex who became far too open after i brought porn into the relationship, causing me to regret it. My ex was a massive douchebag.He seemed to understand my requests thoroughly. Our sex life and use of porn together was to be separate from his personal use of porn to supplement me. I figured most guys were raised not to be so open about masterbating to their girlfriends because it hurts our feelings. After about three hours of foreplay, wine, and a rather really fun time, he starts rambling on about the porn he watched by himself the week prior, going into crazy details, said he shot a load over his shoulder pretty much. Started talking about a bunch of stuff i wasn't ready to hear about, an exactly the stuff i said would hurt my feelings. I just wanted time to adjust and feel comfortable with a few sessions together. About a week passed and we had a small disagreement about something irrelevent. He was spending a week at my house while his place was being treated for fleas. When he came home from work everyday he seemed very stressed out and insisted on a lot of space. I was rather annoyed that i was basically sitting in the back of my own house while he occupied the living room because he needed space for seemingly nothing to do with me. I decided i was letting it bother me too much. When he came home from work one night, he told me about his day, and then i told him i spent my evening watching self improvement videos, and that i wanted to work on myself so that i could be a better girlfriend. I've been battling relationship anxiety most of my life and i felt that i was finally in a relationship healthy enough that i can focus on these said issues. I told him that he's never given me a reason not to trust him, so any trust issues I've expressed at earlier times were on my list of things to work on. I honestly was excited to be doing these things. He didn't much listen to anything i said, instead said he didn't have the energy to hear about my issues, i was exhausting him, then he went to bed. I sat there for about five minutes reassuring myself that he just had a long day and i shouldn't take it so personally. I've researched coping skills for anxiety to address these moments, then i went in there to join him. When i got in the room he was chilling on the bed watching porn and jacking off. The door was wide open. I was pretty mad about it. I had just spilled my heart out to the guy, and then that's how much he cared. The next day we were still mad at each other. Out of anger i guess, he says he masterbates daily whether he's in a relationship or not, and that my house is too small for him to Jack off in. Smh. I was mad for days and ready to end it due to the complete lack of respect. But since then he's said everything he could think of to work things out. So now here i am trying to work through the stress of it on my own and needing a third opinion. Is it unreasonable that i ask he allow me a grace period to get comfortable watching porn together, thus holding the remote the first few times? He insulted my choice in videos saying they weren't his type, but also said that he's never had a girlfriend willing to watch it with him before. I figured it was a small request for such a big payout on my end. And second, is it unreasonable that i don't want to know about his personal masterbation habits? I know it sounds dumb i brought porn into the picture but don't want to hear about it like that, i just feel a guy's masterbation habits when no one's around is separated from our sex life and i felt i expressed very clearly that i wanted to keep it that way. I know guys do it, I'm not sheltered, but most guys are decent enough not to toss it in their girlfriends face. I thought i was spicing things up but now i feel like he's pushing the boundaries we agreed on and he seems clueless as to why that's bothering me. He wants me to forgive him and i feel fully capable of doing so, but he doesn't seem to get my point and that makes me wonder if forgiving him is good for us or just enabling his hurtful behavior. Even if this relationship doesn't work out, i hope to learn how i should have handled things better or different, and why the last few guys were ungrateful at my attempts to give them what seems like every guy`s fantasy.
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foreplay, jealous, my ex, never had a girlfriend, period, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 September 2018):
 If you have issues with porn why on earth did you introduce it in to your relationship and feel the need to have total control over it? Honestly it is not every mans dream. I have never once watched porn with my husband and I never intend to, even if we did, I think I would just laugh it off. What he chooses to do in his own time is up to him. We have a healthy and happy sex life. I know he doesn't watch porn but if he did then it wouldn't bother me.
You are destroying your own relationship by opening up this can off worms. You cannot control what he watches, yet you seem to think it is okay to watch it with him as long as you are in complete control, yet you still come out off it feeling bad.
Walking in on him masturbating, yes that was uncalled for on his part, but you are probably driving him crazy with all your double standards.
Him needing space in your home is not a good sign for a healthy relationship. I have lived together with my husband for 5 years and we don't need space from each other after work. It may be a case that he is fed up with your double standards and listening to you saying you are trying to be a better girlfriend and that he should be thankful in someway. If this relationship doesn't work out I hope you take from it that you cannot control your boyfriend and you shouldn't introduce things in to your relationship that you are not comfortable with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2018): Look you do not have to watch porn if you feel uncomfortable with it, I am 45 years old and have only watched it once with a previous partner, we had a laugh watching it but since then I felt no need to watch any more with him or the person I am with now.
You do what you feel comfortable with in your boundaries and if the other person finds you incompatible and vice versa you address it. I really don't understand why you feel watching porn together is so important. My boyfriend I know has watched it, says he doesn't now and whether he does or not away from me I am not bothered about, so long as he isn't addicted and it affects us that is his personal business.
Your relationship seems a bit odd and I think you are giving him mixed signals, you want to spice things up but when you do you don't really like it and you don't like his honesty when lets face it his tongue got loose on wine and no doubt the heat of the moment.
I agree maybe the door could have been closed or he use the bathroom, but as has been said if you was comfortable with him you could have spiced that scenario up but you was on a crusade telling him you was working on yourself, something I hazard a guess you tell him in all areas, including watching porn.
Just chill out, do what you feel is comfortable, the idea of it all is with partners you talk about what you do and don't want to do and what you both want to do you go for it ONLY if both parties are willing and it is safe to do so. In one way you seem to accept he will watch porn and masturbate daily but then you act all disgusted and upset if it is not your choice and you catch him doing it, DON'T ASK about it and make your boundaries clear so there is no confusion on either side!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2018): There's a saying, that goes "you can't have your piece of cake and eat it too". First off, you're making a mountain out of a mole hill with your obsession about people masturbating. Men and women use various means to masturbate and it's mostly just physical pleasure. You know it, we all do. You're curious about your partner's personal space and then when he's being open about it on being asked by you yourself you have a problem hearing about it! If you hate porn and masturbation so much, why did you bring it into your sex life? 'Use of porn to supplement me' ? That is wrong way of looking at masturbation. No one can replace the intimacy, emotional connection and love of sex with just physical stimulation."Insulted my choice by saying they're not my type" LOL. So if anybody has choices that are different from yours, they are insulting your choice! Now people cannot have preferences is it? You sound so dramatic! these are choice in porn videos that get him off, not even something to do with one's aesthetic sense or taste (like fashion or reading preferences.. that they need to be judged. I feel sorry for you. I guess your understanding about masturbation, sex and how human sexuality works is poor. Men are not aliens from a different planet .They have pretty much the same humans as women. Why so insecure? Just like how you don't have any personal connection with people in porn, he too does not. They are merely representative visuals and characters to our minds like in a movie. As long as one is not addicted to it there's nothing to worry about. The focus should be on a happy relationship and emotional bond. You could watch adult movies with each other for fun too. Why should the talk about masturbation offend you when it's a part of your sex life? If you feel the type of porn he watches is graphic, then it is a matter of disgust as opposed to 'feeling hurt'.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 September 2018):
 If porn is a touchy subject for you and your ex has given your grief over it then why on earth did you want to bring it into your bedroom with the new guy?
OP I don't know if you realise it or not but you're trying to self-sabotage your relationship. Has this been a pattern with you? Are you unhappy with your boyfriend and looking for ways to hurt him?
The fact that you stuck to just solo female porn videos means that you were absolutely setting him for a fall. You wanted to see how he would react to the women and then you could pounce on him and confirm your suspicion- that he uses porn, masturbates alone by himself while fantasizing about other women and that he has eyes for other women and not just for you, as you would have wanted.
I'm not sure you're in the right head space for a relationship right now and I don't think you have the maturity to deal with one either. Something has happened in the past which has disturbed you terribly regarding your self-esteem and your self-worth and you have a huge, gigantic problem with pornography. It's complicated because you're the one bringing it into your own relationship now but as I said before, you're trying to self sabotage you're relationship. It's like a test that you're setting up for the guy. If he passes the test then YOU feel relieved. If he fails, then well hell hath no fury.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 September 2018):
 Seems like I'm not the only one who finds YOUR behavior cringe-worthy, controlling and yes, manipulative.
The whole.. "We should watch porn, but I get the remote, I control what we watch, don't SHARE... honestly? It's ridiculous!" I have to ask what on Earth do you do when watching a show like Game of Throne with him? Lots of sex and full frontal!
HE opened up to you. And all you can think of is putting your fingers in your ears and go "nanana I don't want to know!!" well, YOU let the cat out of the bag... HE is your partner, not a prop!
Talking about your "self-help videos to be a better GF" as if he now OWES you for doing that. Really, OP? Work on yourself for YOU!
While the ONE thing I do agree with you on... him masturbating after not wanting to listen to you... would turn me off too. But I absolutely think it was a tit for that. He knew exactly how you would react and he knew you would follow him for another lecture. And that was petty of him. But you DO know you could have turned THAT situation totally around to your MUTUAL enjoyment, right?
He "INSULTED" you by not approving of your choice of porn? WTF! No, it just wasn't his cup of tea! And YOU knew that. Playing dumb doesn't suit you.
He has even apologized even if he did NOTHING wrong.
And I think something when as "simple, yet very intimate" as watching porn together with a partner that you are INTIMATE with, turns into this kind of melodrama, then I think you should take it off the table completely. YOU weren't ready to watch porn with him. Thus you set up all kind of ridiculous rules and controls, so when he did ANYTHING "wrong" in your eyes" you could throw a tantrum and end the attempt.
Listen, OP
If you really don't WANT to know what turns him on (in porn) or share something pretty private (as watching porn together) then DO NOT do it. Setting up a ton of rules...? no. Sex in a relationship is not just about ONE person. Doesn't mean that YOU can't be the one to pick out (let's say) the first movie, but it's a SHARED experience. I don't watch porn. My imagination isn't lacking. It's OK to try new things and then decide... this is not how I imagined it or I no longer want to do this and then TELL him. Next time (if there is to be one) FIND an erotic massage movie instead. That way you and your BF can watch and recreate without having to try and pretend you are porn-stars or make things weird. But also remember a night of "fun and games" are not just about you and what YOU like.
I think YOU need to apologize to him.
It really doesn't matter what other men did to you in the past... YOU CAN NOT take that out on your current BF! That isn't fair or right. THAT is something YOU need to work on and deal with. It's NOT for him to fix.
As for working on yourself. KEEP that up. FOR your sake, not for his. While he might benefit if things help you, they certainly don't help him it you hold it over his head.
I have some advice: apologize to your BF, if you don't REALLY feel ready to watch porn WITH him, then tell him, don't "fake" being OH SO sexually liberated when you are not. (NOTHING wrong in not being sexually liberated! or feeling awkward about watching other men/women fake having sex).
Lastly:
Find a GYM that offers yoga lessons and go for it. I think you can benefit SO much from it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2018): I know when people need tough-love and straight answers; and my dear, you need them. That's what you need, and that's what you're going to get.
I carefully read your post. I made sure I remained open-minded, and reserved harsh-judgement with my response; because you seem very sincere about seeking an opinion.
You come across as very controlling; and try to be cunning, while seeking to manipulate your boyfriend. You set traps, and then when you don't get the outcome you wanted; you scream bloody murder.
All that nonsense about watching porn together. Give me a break! It was nothing more than a setup. A way to use his guilt against him; and as a way to manipulate. "See, I'm a good girlfriend! I give you permission to watch porn. As long as I get to monitor and choose what you watch."
That thing about not telling you about his masturbation habits. If you can watch porn, that shouldn't bother you!
You are going to go through boyfriends like a box of Kleenex with a head-cold. You spend too much time looking for faults; and you think you've covered yourself by claiming you watch videos for "self-improvement." If I had to judge by the post you wrote; I think you should drop the boyfriend, and go full-throttle on self-improvement.
You, like far too many women these days; think you can make men into what you want them to be. By using cunning and manipulation. By becoming victimized by his mistakes, and being accusatory when you can't pry-out all his secrets. You are too quick to find fault; and you harbor far too many insecurities for any relationship to be healthy or successful. You want full mind-control over men.
News flash! That will never happen! No matter how stupid he is!
All it takes is being self-confident, learning how to trust, and finding a mate who has the character, trustworthiness, and personality you want when you find him. Not someone you can mold into your notion of the "perfect guy." How can you remake someone else, when you yourself need work?
You can't "train" a guy like a puppy to be the kind of boyfriend you "think" you want. Rollover and play dead on your command. No more than some guy can come along and try to force you into obedience and submission to his control. Telling you what to wear, how to act, how to talk, or what to do. There are far too many mind-games and manipulation going on in relationships these days; and people have to get a grip.
You should be dating for the purpose of having some fun, and for some healthy male-companionship. Meanwhile, be picky and selective about the personality-traits or habits you can handle.
Pace your feelings when you meet a guy. Don't fall too quickly. Wait until he has been given sufficient time to earn trust. Earning your trust doesn't mean catering to your insecurities; or being on his guard whenever you're in the room! Carefully choosing his every word, for fear of offending you. Not even looking in the direction of another woman. Everyday of his life with you shouldn't be a pop-quiz! Testing him on this and that, and blowing a fuse when he makes mistakes! Punishing him over your last boyfriend!
Dare he hear, speak, or see evil by mentioning another woman! There's hell to pay!
You don't get to carry his balls around in your purse to hand them over to him when you want him to act like a man!
You don't understand men in the slightest. You've picked a couple of bad-apples; and they've sent you over the edge.
I don't think you need to be in a relationship. It might be better if you just work on yourself for awhile. Get-over some emotional scars or wounds inflicted by some bad experiences you've had with men in the past.
Be self-reliant and independent enough to feel safe in your own skin; and not look for relationships as a place to hide and feel safe. You're not a victim, if you have mishaps in a relationship. Misunderstandings happen, and mistakes are made by both sides. He's tolerating you just as much as you're tolerating him!
You're trying way too hard. You need to be single for about another year; while you get-over whatever some terrible guys must have done to you. You can remain single and have light romances and date. Just hold-up on getting into serious relationships. That douche-bag ex left too much baggage behind, and you're still dragging it around.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2018): I'm very concerned that as a couple you need to give him space.. if my husband had said that or did that with me even at the start of our relationship no matter what part .. he have space alright .. but he wouldn't be in my house.. I mean why the devil are you doing that.. couple are couples for a reason you are together. You work come home cook eat chat laugh have bookie together. What a loser . Tbh morning you put is healthy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2018): HiYou told him explicitly what you didn't want him to do and he agreed. He doesn't have a memory problem I'm assuming? Can you imagine this kind of behaviour happening in a truly loving relationship? So therefore there is one conclusion I can come to. Regarding his other behaviour too. He is abusive. As soon as you tell an abusive man your inner thoughts and feelings.....they pretend to listen and understand.. . . . and then wham. Suddenly they are doing EXACTLY what you had said you had a problem with and pretending not to know that he's hurting you. Also he's coming home to YOUR house and you have to sit in the back to give him space to get over his day? Would you EVER behave like that towards someone? So entitled and arrogant? And you had to resort to coping strategies for anxiety before you could join him? That tells me a lot.And there he is doing EXACTLY what he knew would hurt you and doing it when he thought you would probably find him doing it. And now he can see that you are not happy, he starts to play nice and ask for forgiveness. In my opinion he is not masturbating because he wants to. He is doing it because he knows it will push your buttons. You made the mistake of trusting him with your inner thoughts and feelings. He could masturbate in private if he wanted to, he just wants you to see him, doing what you asked him not to. You specifically said that you didn't want to hear details about the porn he had watched and yet he did so, with glee. Okay, he doesn't have to bend to your every whim, but you asked him not to do these things and he agreed. If he felt it a necessary part of the relationship to relay every detail about the porn that he has watched to you and masturbate in front of you, then he should have said so and you would know what you were up against. But he doesn't feel the need to relay all the details about the porn he has watched. He does it because he knows you don't want him to. He wants to piss you off. And now he has, and you're angry, he wants forgiveness. And I bet you anything you like, as soon as you forgive him, he will do it again. Or something else to push your buttons. This is what abusive men do. The very fact that he has got you lurking about in the back of your own house because HE needs space also tells me everything I need to know, to know that he is abusive.A decent person would explain their need and go out for a while or just put up with not having space because to make you feel unwelcome in your own home is not on. He is doing this to control you. See what he can get away with. His behaviour is making you unhappy. It is designed to. It's what he wants. Please read up about abuse. Emotional abuse (which is what he is putting you through right now), verbal abuse (has he ever called you names?) mental cruelty and physical abuse. I honestly think that this is what you're up against here But if you arm yourself with information on the subject, you will be able to decide for yourself. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2018): We live in a world that throws out cheer banners for men watching porn and basically tears apart any woman who says she feels uncomfortable with it or doesn't like it . Be strong stand up and admit you don't like it and don't want to bemina relationship with a porn user . Believe me millions of womenAre getting fed up with the double stand that says we must be okWith that horrible mysogynistic industry . You just have to be strong enough to say that your right NOT to like it's is just as valid as his right to like it . Even thought the porn loving public will generally boo you and tell you to shut up There was a time when smoking was considered ok by the majority and even healthy. There was a time slavery was considered ok by the majority , people grow and learn but sometimes it takes a long time . It just so happens that at this stage in history most men and even many women think watching women be called wh...red , so..ts , spat onAnd penetrated in multiple orifices by multiple men counts as entertainment . They know thenindustry had a reputation for using underage and trafficked women yet they watch having no way of knowing whether the 'entertainment they are watching is Of age or trafficked . They justify it through saying the womenAgreed to be paid . Yes yes , people who work whoSweatshops agreed to be paid but that doesn't make it right !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2018):
I don't think you should have went near the porn thing at all if you had previous issues. Just don't open the box. Don't try to be something you are not. Guys don't need their girls to watch porn with them and you shouldn't feel pressured to do it.
I think he was really insensitive and disrespectful to you. I wouldn't tolerate that. The fact he'd complain that its not his type was a warning he's not respecting the rules you asked. But guys are different to girls and he probably just thinks its his kinda chat or whatever.
So yeah I think he's a douche about it. But you need to be clear about what you want out of it too. Its hard for both of you. Its a touchy subject and I would find other things to spice it up and stop trying to be a fantasy woman.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (2 September 2018):
 I find the whole thing rather (likely unintentionally) manipulative on your part. Why did you repeat history that was completely unsolicited by your guy? You said you have problems with other ex's introduction to porn, and then you went down the porn route? You controlled the videos so you would be offended by the videos, but then you got offended anyway because they weren't the thing that he chooses to get turned on by. I assume if you looked together for something mutually enjoyable, you would have been offended throughout that process by seeing what he likes. Compound that to you ONLY want to see videos with women, BUT have sensitivities to women's bodies. You two drink wine, presumably to loosen up and then when he becomes open, you get upset about it? Also you want to dabble in getting to know his sexual side more but get offended just to HEAR he masturbates? I don't understand.
Look..maybe you're leaving out info (like did the relationship FEEL stale? Did he SAY he wanted to spice it up, or was it just some random projection of your preexisting relationship insecurity?). But when you say you're pushing yourself out of your comfort zone for his benefit, for this BIG pay off (of what, sex?) it just sounds like (A) you're holding it over his head like he now OWES you something for your unsolicited sacrifice and (B) you resent him for your own offer to push yourself, when no one asked you to.
I have a feeling that when you talked about the self-help videos you got deeper into past issues than you reference here, and possibly, even if you were excited, it came off as a stirring up of old insecurities/beefs that he thought were over. That said, I'd be irritated at walking into my boyfriend jerking off with the door open, especially if it was some kind of "vengance move" rather than an indiscretion. Can't tell from context which way that falls, but definite words would be exchanged.
Honestly think you opened a pandora's box here and would just say hey look I think I bit off more than I can chew and can we just go back to the way it used to be?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2018): Sorry but I am a bit miffed as to why you feel you have to watch porn with him? If you are not comfortable with it why do it, just doesn't make sense to me. There are many ways you can spice things up, role play, toys etc why do you feel it has to be porn? But if you feel that is what you want to do then personally I don't see why you shouldn't be in control of what you both watch, it is his choice what he chooses to watch on his own, if I was going to watch porn with my partner I would also choose something that is gentle and not hardcore. I agree with you that your boyfriend should keep his masturbation to himself, why did he not go to the bathroom and close the door? I have never seen my partner do it and no he doesn't talk about it either. I have to say I do find his openness a bit strange and while I agree men do masturbate when in a relationship or not I would be a bit peeved to be told he does it every day and to see him as you did I think is disrespectful.It sounds taking all that aside you like him and can see he has positive aspects as well but sorry he does come across as being a bit selfish and not fully supportive of you in the few ways you have described. If you was thinking of settling with him long term these things need to be considered but it doesn't sound like you would do well living together so are you sure you are compatible? That's my take on your post, I am sure others may agree, disagree and give you more food for thought....
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