A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so I’ve been single for 3 years I have been completely okay and comfortable with it and I have enjoyed it. But sometimes I don’t like it so much because I’m ready to settle down, I wanna get married and have another baby I have a 7 year old and she wants a sibling and I’m just overall ready for a family. But I’m also scared of being in a relationship because it’s been just me and my daughter for so long and I don’t want that to change I guess. And another reason I'm scared is because I'm afraid that I will meet someone and start a relationship with them and then later on they become abusive or kill me or do something to my daughter. I know it's crazy things to keep me from wanting to meet anyone but that's how I feel. But I have tried dating apps and no guys catch my interest at all. Me and my ex are still friends even after being broken up for 3 years. We still talk and we hangout, but we don’t see ourselves getting back together. All my friends and my mom think we should get back together and my mom especially is a firm believer that me and him will end up together and that we belong together or we still wouldn’t be in each other lives. And my mom is usually always right but I don’t see me and my ex getting back together. We are closer now then we was when we was in a relationship. I have even told him that I want to meet someone and he supports it.So my question is, how can I change the way I feel and think about dating and what can I do to make finding the right person easier. Also how do I know if I have found the right person? At this rate I really feel like I will be single forever I haven't been single this long since I was 15 years old!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to mention that my ex isn't my child's father. My daughters father and I broke up when she was around 8 months old. My ex and I doesn't have any kids together. Sorry for the confusion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2018): You're singing the single-mom blues like so many who come here. I know those dating apps don't offer very much promise; because after-all, you're dating other humans. Humans have flaws, and many are there; because they aren't very good at maintaining relationships once they find someone.
You are creating a lot of things in your head about dating; because you are rationalizing to yourself to keep from getting depressed. You do realize your thoughts are way out there, right? However, you must remain sensible, vigilant, and protective out of common-sense, not unsubstantiated fears.
Youth doesn't offer us a lot of patience. I was born during the previous generation; and I wasn't saturated with high-technology, or have access to websites that offer droves of people-types like shopping on Amazon. Nor were people mesmerized by their phones or devices; while sitting in-front of you on a date. I have experienced that, and they kept calling me to find-out what went wrong? Duh?!!
I always tell you poor exasperated young-folk to persevere through the dating-drought. Be patient. Don't "seek relationships;" because they happen randomly and unexpectedly. Stop being on a mission. You simply date, enjoy the company, and have some fun. Meanwhile, you're evaluating and studying the personality and ways of that guy you agreed to date. You must stay level-headed enough to see things for what they are; and not for what you wish they were. Hard to do, but I had to learn how; so will you!
Single-parents probably out-number singles without kids; considering many don't marry before having families. So you have to count on chance-encounters and pray a little. Ask for those traits and characteristics in a man that you want and need; while making sure you have your act together enough to match what you ask for. You also have a child; which means whomever comes into your life has to be a role-model and set an excellent example of a man. Whether anything comes of your love-connection with him or not! You'll be teaching her what kind of man she should look for in the future.
You will not be single forever. How can you be single forever; when there are approximately 325.7 million people in the United States, as of 2017? We're an over-populated nation. The key is timing. Not how long!
People are spoiled by hookup apps that you can track-down a boink-buddy within feet of you. Sex is too much of the incentive for many single-men. They have to mature beyond hookup apps and porn. So the pickings seem slim; but they're out there, sweetheart. You've been fortunate not to run into the worst of them. It's good to keep a good relationship with your ex; for the sake of co-parenting and keeping the biological-father of your daughter in her life. That's not about you, it's about her.
You have to be visible and available. Take aerobics classes, pickup a hobby like woodworking, go to country fairs in your state, and jog where you know lots of young people congregate to stay fit. Exposure is the key. Just being visible where you see young people, good people. Not clubs or bars! Take night classes, if you don't have your degree. If you became a mom at 15; I wonder if you completed high school and college? You can meet a lot of nice men; while getting an education.
No more kids before you are married. Don't start thinking about your ex for that purpose. It wouldn't be a very good idea. Dating-droughts end. Sometimes divine providence steps in to allow you time to prepare yourself for what you need and deserve; but you have to be psychologically-mature, and emotionally-fit when love comes knocking. Don't get a pessimistic attitude; then you will settle for anyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2018): I raised my daughter as a single parent and like you stayed single a long time also with worrying about bringing a man into our lives with similar reasons to you.
I am with someone now and trust me when I say it will happen when it's meant to. Have faith in that and when you do meet someone take time to get to know them and to introduce them to your daughter. Don't look for relationships in bars, be proactive in hobbies and doing fun things and he will come along when you least expect it.
You're a fantastic mum who clearly puts her daughter first, please don't try and make something happen because it will not be or feel right if you do.
Best of luck and ps mum's are not always right, don't settle for anything less than what you want
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2018): You're still so young. There really is no rush. If you were truly ready, I don't think you'd have the irrational fears you do.You're worried about your daughter, which is great, but can be relatively easy to resolve just by dating someone for 6+ months before even considering introducing them to your child. So many introduce them after a few dates of a couple of months, but there's no rush and can do more harm than good.The fact you think you'll be single forever just because you've been "happily"(?) single for a few years is an immature way of thinking about it. You became a mother very young and haven't had any adult space as a single woman.I think that, when dating as a single parent or someone who isn't ready for throwing themselves in, you just have to let it happen organically. Try new classes and hobbies, but for the fun, not specifically for dating. Just let things happen on their own and make sure not to add that second child any time soon (please wait until you're married to someone or have at least been together for 3+ years).
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