A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I married in April of last year for the second time. My first marriage occurred when i was very young, wayyyy too young. It lasted less than a year and i view it as a mistake made due to my age and immaturity. This time, however, i really felt like i had found the "one." I dated my current husband for over two years before we were married. Soon after we were married, his attitude toward me changed. I became his property. I was told often that i would do this or that because "i was his wife and it was my job." The jealousy became outrageous and he began following me even on simple errands such as to the grocery store. I had never given him any reason to distrust me. On the other hand, he was very sweet to me at times and we had tons of fun together travelling and doing other things, and most importantly, he was the BEST with my son from a previous relationship. Then i created a problem...or in some ways i feel like i was pushed to create this problem. I began to turn to a male friend of mine with my troubles. He always understood, always listened, and genuinely cared, all things my hubby had stopped doing. One thing led to another and eventually this friend confessed that he was in love with me. We never cheated physically, but i did become very attached to this man emotionally. My husband left in November, a decision we both agreed was best. Since then, i have been seeing the other man and have developed sincere feelings for him. He treats me like a queen and always has my best interest at heart. The problem is, having been separated for 5 months now, and reflecting back on things, i really am questioning my decision. I miss my husband at times, although i dont miss the distrust and questioning all the time. Most of all, i feel guilty for my son, who misses him terribly. We have remained friendly and i am pretty sure that if i offered he would be willing to work things out. I just dont know if i am willing to go back to that life. It had gotten bad and even physical on several occasions. I'm not sure i am willing to lose the other man that has been there with me and for me through it all. But i am not content with my decisions and ending a second marriage in less than a year. I feel like i have to try to be able to forgive myself or feel right about it. At the same time, if it was bad before, is it unrealistic to even consider that we may/could make our marriage work NOW??
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female
reader, citris +, writes (7 April 2008):
 This is tough. It sounds like your husband was starting to show some very disturbing behaviors, however if you really want to try and make it work, and in your heart you believe that it can, I would say make sure that he gets counciling before you move back in together. The risk that he could become physically abusive towards you is high at this point, and he obviously did not see you as a separate and whole human being but a slave of his that he owned who should do as he said. This is not a healthy relationship to be involved in.
If I were you I would move on with my life the best I can. If your son has developed a close bond with your second husband, try to keep them in each others lives if you feel it is healthy.
About the man you are seeing now, that' is as I said before entirely up to you.
it's not easy being torn between two people you care for. you'll find the right path, give it time and do not rush into your decision!
Best of luck to you!
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 Hi,
yes it is unrealistic. You have to ask yourself why do think it would work. Is it the abuse, the controlling behaviour, the jealousy? I'm not being sarcastic as i think these are powerful emotive forces which make a person dependent. We see on this site so many times how women feel the need to go back to the man who abused and controlled them.
Don't make this mistake, count yourself lucky you split up, he will only revert to his old ways if you go back to him, and while your son may like him, he will eventually be very disturbed seeing his mother being bullied like this.
Be brave, stay away.
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